Originally Posted by PeterL That section seems perfectly unrealistic. To start with she is taking an entry level Biology course, but she's 24. What's up there? Leland transferred from Harvard, but he'd been living in a tent on some beach;definite cognitive dissonance there, after all Harvard doesn't have a beach; although it has shore along the Back Bay/Charles River. It was my impression that you wanted them back together, and the course was just a vehicle for them being together. Well, I changed the course, like you suggested previously. I wasn't what to let her take in college, barely becoming one myself, so how would I know what class to pick? I got you to help me with that. Well, I hadn't meant for him to still be going to Harvard while he was in a tent on a beach...but maybe...to clear it up, I think I could say he left Harvard after fighting with his dad and moved somewhere his dad didn't know, or something. I'll figure that out...don't worry.
That section seems perfectly unrealistic. To start with she is taking an entry level Biology course, but she's 24. What's up there? Leland transferred from Harvard, but he'd been living in a tent on some beach;definite cognitive dissonance there, after all Harvard doesn't have a beach; although it has shore along the Back Bay/Charles River. It was my impression that you wanted them back together, and the course was just a vehicle for them being together.
Originally Posted by PeterL I'll upload an edited version later today. While I was editing, I realized that the classroom part needs to be changed. Put it in a different location. You could have her working as a bank teller, or something like that. Eh? But why?
I'll upload an edited version later today. While I was editing, I realized that the classroom part needs to be changed. Put it in a different location. You could have her working as a bank teller, or something like that.
Originally Posted by Beautifull Well, yes...that makes sense...Okay. I'll fix that...I think that's perfect. And did I make a mistake I was not aware of?? I'll check that out. Check it out...tell me what you think. And of you give the okay for the changes, I was thinking of posting it as a short story in the forums to get more responses...do you think that's a good idea?
Originally Posted by PeterL Bio 101 and age twenty-four do not fit together. If she is 24, then she should be taking upper level or graduate courses, not introductory courses. You might want to have her as a grad student in Creative Writing maybe. Lee could explain his presence because he decided to chuck working for the old man at the brokerage house and become a writer. That would put them together, but you would have to completely rewrite the part about the class. Nearly all graduate courses are small, with a dozen students being a large class. You might have Eliza being told to help the new guy figure out the ropes. The proper punctuation for dialogue is: "dialogue comma" tag. If you are putting tags after the dialogue, then the tag is not a new sentence, except with question marks and exclamation points. Like this: "A tent," He simply said, "I live close to the sea you wanted to drown yourself in." Well, yes...that makes sense...Okay. I'll fix that...I think that's perfect. And did I make a mistake I was not aware of?? I'll check that out.
Originally Posted by PeterL Just clean up the grammar,etc.and start submitting it. If you like, I'll edit it for you. I'd like that very much.
Bio 101 and age twenty-four do not fit together. If she is 224, then she should be taking upper level or graduate courses, not introductory courses. You might want to have her as a grad student in Creative Writing maybe. Lee could explain his presence because he decided to chuck working for the old man at the brokerage house and become a writer. That would put them together, but you would have to completely rewrite the part about the class. Nearly all graduate courses are small, with a dozen students being a large class. You might have Eliza being told to help the new guy figure out the ropes. The proper punctuation for dialogue is: "dialogue comma" tag. If you are putting tags after the dialogue, then the tag is not a new sentence, except with question marks and exclamation points. Like this: "A tent," He simply said, "I live close to the sea you wanted to drown yourself in."
Twenty-four is old enough. That would put her in the grad student range. The problem with people under twenty is that they seem like kids. That's O.K. when one is a kid, but children are nearly flat characters. Just clean up the grammar,etc.and start submitting it. If you like, I'll edit it for you.
Originally Posted by PeterL What did you change? anything important? Few mispelled words and a phrase or two that didn't fit with the rest of the story...maybe a few describing words too. Nothing big. I didn't really add anything.
Originally Posted by PeterL As a whole, the story is fine. It needs some copy editing, but everything does. The structure is good, except that the first little bit before she starts to jump may be longer than necessary. Then there was the matter of her shrieking and he didn't immediately wake up; I think that gasping might be better. At that point, I was surprised that she didn't just leave. There she was in a strange man's bed, and she hadn't wanted that, at all. I don't know what you would do in a situation like that, but I would leave instantly. If she left, then he would have to meet her again. The ending was effective and appropriate. The change happened in the main character, so a dream was a fine way to work that out. The characters were as good as one expects in a 2700 word story. The characterizations were mostly done through their actions and dialogue, rather than telling the readers what they were like. There isn't a lot that this story needs, except for editing. You might consider making them a little older, having characters that are students often limits the audience. You could just make them graduate students, or you could give them jobs. There is a problem with Leland that typifies quite a few relationships that women have. She accepted him with wondering whether he might actually be a serial murderer looking for his next victim. Women frequently act that way, so you might not want to change it, but it might suggest an extension for the story; the part where she is in the emergency room of her local hospital with massive bruises and a broken arm. I just noticed again the new word "conversate". There certainly isn't any reason for it, but it would mkae an occasional change from converse. Yes, the gasp would be better...I was trying to find a word appropriate for it, but I started writing this when it was 12 midnight, so my brain was as good as not working well when I was trying to find synonyms. She did leave, but later...maybe I should have her head hurting or something from the bash from the wall? Of course, I don't like writing and telling who they are. I like them to speak for themselves. College students are alright? I thought maybe by putting a college class and professor for the teacher, it would make it obvious...and the fact that she was 24. Is that too young? ah...I handn't really thought of that....With Leeland's character, I wanted to make him carefree and always upbeat, but since it's the first time writing a carefree person, I'm not sure if I caught it right. Also, her little 'ability' helped her to...I guess you can say trust him. She puts a lot of faith in her ability. Yeah, the Word dictionary was telling me it wasn't a word, but I liked it, and people understand it, so it's okay. Thank you for reading my story Peter. I can always count on you. I'm really glad you liked it as a whole, especially since you've been nagging at me to finish a story.
What did you change? anything important?
As a whole, the story is fine. It needs some copy editing, but everything does. The structure is good, except that the first little bit before she starts to jump may be longer than necessary. Then there was the matter of her shrieking and he didn't immediately wake up; I think that gasping might be better. At that point, I was surprised that she didn't just leave. There she was in a strange man's bed, and she hadn't wanted that, at all. I don't know what you would do in a situation like that, but I would leave instantly. If she left, then he would have to meet her again. The ending was effective and appropriate. The change happened in the main character, so a dream was a fine way to work that out. The characters were as good as one expects in a 2700 word story. The characterizations were mostly done through their actions and dialogue, rather than telling the readers what they were like. There isn't a lot that this story needs, except for editing. You might consider making them a little older, having characters that are students often limits the audience. You could just make them graduate students, or you could give them jobs. There is a problem with Leland that typifies quite a few relationships that women have. She accepted him with wondering whether he might actually be a serial murderer looking for his next victim. Women frequently act that way, so you might not want to change it, but it might suggest an extension for the story; the part where she is in the emergency room of her local hospital with massive bruises and a broken arm. I just noticed again the new word "conversate". There certainly isn't any reason for it, but it would mkae an occasional change from converse.
It's always better to be communicative, as you are
I am firmly determined to break all standards. I'll destroy whatever area where I am a little typical
Originally Posted by Maximilianus You do have a talent to communicate I don't know much about the role that a color may play in all this, but the talent to talk you have it Thanks......although I'm wonderig if that is a complement or not...
Originally Posted by Maximilianus No, no, I'm not typical at all. I break all established standards nope, you still are a little typical in some areas. Originally Posted by Maximilianus Yea, I meant that type exactly... the type that I am not right.
You do have a talent to communicate I don't know much about the role that a color may play in all this, but the talent to talk you have it
Welcome!
Originally Posted by Beautifull typical male. No, no, I'm not typical at all. I break all established standards Originally Posted by Beautifull okaaay....by a "dfferent type of man", do you mean...? Yea, I meant that type exactly... the type that I am not
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