Thought On My Mind...

[MexThorn]

Hola everyone

I was sitting in class bored out of my mind... I was thinking about what has happened the last couple of weeks. I don't know where I have been it's like I wasn't in my body. I feel like I was sitting on the outside watching in.

Last week I had a lot of expierences that I cannot explain. I had my first time, I lost a friend, I felt emptyness, and I felt closure. I feel that I could of done more but I don't know how and it's too late. Now i'm puzzeled and trying to figure out the reasons for everything that happened.

I have a qoute I always say... "Somethings get better at the cost of others getting worse." I honestly believe that there is a balance for everything. When something good or pleasureable takes place it's paid with something opposite. I guess I feel guilty so I blame all the bad things I have done leading up to my latest depression. I smoked, drank, got high, and lied. Maybe it's a sign to do better or maybe I just need to make a revolution and change my life.

I had a friend living at my house. We didn't start out as friends. My mother's friend's son who is my age was locked up in a juvenile facility and ran away from the program. His mother helped him escape and left him with his dad to hide out. He was not really a bad person but just didn't know how to express himself. He really needed a lot of attention and all he always got was negative attention. He would act out and didn't like anyone to say anything to him that he didn't like. He couldn't live with his dad because his dad lived with his aunt. He lived with another aunt, his dad's friend, his cousin, and his grandpa. Nothing worked. Everyone would kick him out when he would act out. Nobody would try to help him. My mom suggested he live with her when she finishes her house. So the police wen't to his grandpa's home and he couldn't stay there anymore, so he came to live with us while my mom's house was getting finished. He lived in my room. I didn't like sharing my room with him. We fought about everything. He was complete opposite from me. Over time we just started getting along and became friends. When something would happen I would try to talk to him and listen to what he had to say. I was the only one in my house who understood him. We ended up trying a lot of new thigns toghter. One day I went to get some ice cream and when I came back he was leaving. My grandma kicked him out for calling my little brother a bastard.

I felt so bad that night. I felt like I lost something I wouldn't find ever again. I didn't go to school the next day, that next morning I kept thinking about what happened and where was I to do anything. I just couldn't figure out the reason for his exit. Were we getting too close and something doesn't want me to get hurt. Should I not fall inlove with someone I could never be with. Am I being protected or watched, what is the reason? I still don't know. I have talked to him a few times since he left. I don't know if I will ever see him.

I have a girlfriend I really like and get along with well. She will never know what went on with my friend that left my life. I ditched school to spend time with her because we go to different schools and don't get to see each other a lot. She has a way of giving me a strong sense of comfort. I only get that from her. Yesterday we ditched school and went bowling. Everything seemed fine but she called me later in the afternoon and told me her and her mother had got into an argument. I don't know what exatly happened but she said her friend told her that it was my fault. I haven't talked to her since. I called her back and her mother answered the phone and told me not to call her ever again. I can't stop thinking that I caused something.

I don't understand what happened. I know everything I have been doing is not right. But why must I pay this heavy fee. I feel so lonely and sick. I have a pain within and don't know how to treat it. My stomach is in knots and my mind won't stop thinking. It's hard to consentrate. All I think about is what did I do wrong? Why do I feel this way? I just want to make things better.

I told a friend who is a former girlfriend but has been there for me through everything. Talking to her and telling her everything really took a huge load off my mind. Talking about the situations has helped me move forward. I don't know why I keep playing these random emotional thougts over and over in my head. I feel like I need mental rehab. I'm not crazy or mental nor bi-polar like my friend seems to think because we fight and I try to lighten up her attitude. I really don't like shrinks. I rather talk to someone I know than a stranger that will make me feel uncomfortable.

If you have read this thank you. I really apreciate it. I know my life is boring but I thought I would share some thoughts that have been playing over and over again in my mind. If you have any advice please share it with me I would really like to listen.


-Mex

[Anon22]

Things will get better... trust me... but you have to becareful because it is true that you can make them worse. If you want things to get better you have to at least help improve that chance. Thus, smoking, drinking, etc. obviously won't work considering the fact that later on they will have consequences on your life. You have to be hopeful, but you can't expect your life to get better if you do bad things. Don't skip school, because later on you might regret it. You have to be hopeful about the future, hope everything will turn out all right, but use the present to help the chances for the future turning out all right to rise. In other words, you can't expect for life to magically put the pieces of the puzzle together, you have to put them together yourself. Ask her why is it that it's your fault (or considering the fact that one of her friends told her...) and try to figure out what happened to him by asking.