Feedback Please - Untitled

[ktd222]

I don't understand the part about the wise man who just listens. How could anybody know how wise someone is if that someone just listens?

Obviously, listening is important, but it's certainly not enough. It sounds great to say that, but it doesn't really mean anything. And since it opens the poem, I found it enough to dissuade me from reading the rest.

It is not about anyone else. It is about you. Someone can tell you what kind of destruction men have done to the environment, but the impact will not be as real as if you see, listen to the environment yourself. Wisdom comes through not telling, but experiencing.

[Countess]

It's what ktd222 said. I took Jon's suggestion and hacked off some parts (which feels much like amputating my limbs - but if I don't need a foot it really must go). I'm playing with Pendragon's suggestion of moving the "wise man" section as well.

I've also re-structured it, and have a better vision for the ending. Thanks, everyone, for bothering about it. I'll keep it posted - unfortunately, my life is busy and I don't get on here half as much as I want to.

[ReynardKitsune]

it flowed so well and nice! i like it