watching it come down

[inbetween]

hey
here is someting I just produced
it's pretty fresh and there's something about the third stanza I don't quite like,
perhaps you will see what I mean and even have ideas how to solve my little problem

concerning other advices.. I want them but, please, always geve reasons.
if you just tell me what to change I will hate you for that.
I want to read things like: "if you'd do this and that, that would cause this and that effect" "it would make it so and so if you'd do this and that" .... you surely undersand what I mean.
and even more than those advices I want to know how this poem makes you feel.. what picture came up in your mind while reading, that's what I'm really interested in.

that's enough of an introduction...



Watching it come down

The leaves, they fall
The wind does howl
The trees, they seem to frown.
And I, I stand
And stand alone
Watching it come down.

The branches creak
The wind does shriek
The trees, I hear them groan.
And I, I stand
And stand alone
Watching it come down.

The branches, they break
The wind does shake
The trees which soon shall fall.
And I, I stand
And stand alone
Watching it come down.

And I, I stand
And stand alone
Watching it all come down.


thank you for reading my poem and thinking about it.

[hillwalker]

Ok - firstly how to fix stanza no. 3

For it to match the rhythm of verses 1 and 2 you need to remove a syllable from that opening line :

The branches, they break

If you remove 'they' it should cure that problem.

BUT there are others that need more drastic action.

The wind does howl
The wind does shriek
The wind does shake

No has ever talked or indeed written like this in the last 100 years or so. I know you have chosen this archaic form of expression to make it fit - but it sounds artificial and clumsy. As to repairing the damage, that's not so easy, but as it stands the poem suffers because of it.

The repeated refrain is not quite so bad (despite the repetition) but again

Watching it all come down.

What is 'it'? You are listing a number of elements presumably bringing to mind a winter storm, so in that case it should be 'them' you are watching, not 'it'.

You have made an effort to write a poem that relies very much on rhyme and meter and because of this you have been forced to employ some weak expressions. Perhaps writing free verse where there's no need to rely on strict form will allow you to share your thoughts more easily and explore more deeply how the elements of nature manifest themselves and make you feel.

H

[inbetween]

thanks for thinking so much about it
concernig the language.. well perhaps it's not the language but me who is artificial and clumsy... (that can't be changed!)
and really .. I watch IT come down.. believe me

[YesNo]

It looks like trees are being removed and you don't want that to happen. That's what the content brings to my mind.

I agree with Hillwalker on "The branches, they break". The meter would sound better as "The branches break".

Also, I sort of agree with him about the three lines where "The wind does". The lines don't have to start with "The wind", but could vary the pattern a little.

However, all of these things are excuses to make changes and make the final poem even better. They are opportunities.

Since it seems that there is more than one tree coming down, the last line could have "it" replaced with "them" which should make it more powerful.

The third stanza implies to me that more than one tree will be felled. So "it" could also be changed to "them" there as well.