# Writing > Short Story Sharing >  Barbara

## Granny5

I know this needs work and I would appreciate any suggestion anyone has.
Thanks in advance.

*Barbara*

Part I

Barbara looked out the window at the dusty Army base watching for her husband to arrive. He had been in Korea for 6 months and was due home today. The small housing unit she and her three girls occupied was spic and span, the two older girls were all bathed and dressed in new dresses she had sewn. The baby, only 4 months old, was dressed in the hand me down gown that her two older sisters had worn. Barbara had taken care with her hair and dress. She had been so lonely here, no friends, no family. But now her husband was coming home and things would be better.
Barbara had moved from her beautifully quaint hometown in Germany to this God forsaken land of mosquitoes and dust. Where were the old buildings and the trees? What were the people of this new land thinking when they cut down the forest to make farmland? All was not bad here though. There was so much food. Anything one could possibly want was at the grocery stores. Everyone had backyard gardens that grew the most beautiful vegetables. And everyone shared! No hording. There was plenty for everyone. 
Barbara had come to the U.S. as a new bride. She had met her husband just after the war while he was stationed in Germany. Her first husband had been killed in the War, leaving her with a child to raise. Hunger and poverty was still a way of life in Germany and she was lucky to find a husband to take her and her child away from it all.
Now she lived in the middle of nowhere, she knew no one, and she was lonely. 
Genes family was not the accepting people he had led her to believe they were. There was still a great amount of hostility toward the German people because of the War. The year she had spent with his family was one of the worse she had ever endured. Everyone made fun of her hunger and her accent. The ways she had been taught to keep house and take care of her babies was different and considered wrong. She was an outsider, compared to all other women in the family and always lacking.
Before he was shipped to Korea, Gene had moved them to an Army base in Texas. The housing would be cheaper and the medical care for her upcoming childbirth would be better. There would be more help from other Army wives. Barbara was glad for the move, thinking anywhere would be better than the Mississippi Delta where they had been living. But the dust and desolation was the same in Texas as in Arkansas. She was hoping that they would find a better area of the country to live and raise their children when Gene was discharged. 
The last year had been hard for them both. Just 6 months ago Gene had buried his twin brother while on leave from the Korean War. Hal was killed the same day Gene had arrived at the same base Hal was stationed. Angry and hurt, Gene had lashed out at her and his family before and after the funeral service. The last days of his leave had been filled with drink and hurtful fights. Hopefully, the anger and drinking had subsided while he had been away. It was the prayer she had prayed everyday since he had been gone.

He was home! Happy to see his girls and to be home from War, no sign of anger was visible. And there was no sign of drink either. Now they would finally start their life together. Feeling safe in his arms again, Barbara was happy for the first time since he had shipped out. She and the girls prepared a celebration for his homecoming. The dinner she fixed was all she had hoped for. Everything turned out perfect. The girls were so excited to have Daddy home. Everyone was happy, laughing, hugging and just generally in a wonderful mood. 
As she readied the girls for bed, she hummed a lullaby from her youth and laughed at everything they did. Brushing their hair, washing their faces, and putting their gowns on them was not a chore tonight, but a pleasure. Tonight, after the children were asleep, she would be with her husband for the first time in half a year. Love poured out of her like a fountain, making her feel giddy. As Rose, the oldest, said her prayers her Daddy watched from the doorway. God bless my sisters, God bless my Mommy, and God bless my Daddy and thank you for bringing him home to us. Oh, and God bless Uncle Peck for helping us while Daddy was gone. Amen
Barbara felt the air change immediately; her imagination surely. Gene grew quiet, saying nothing else while Barbara finished getting the girls to bed and the baby to sleep. Tension was in the air, but she didnt know why. What was wrong? What had changed so suddenly? 
Barbara made coffee and served Gene a piece of the cake she had made for his homecoming. But coffee wasnt what Gene was thirsty for. Where the bottle came from Barbara didnt know. It must have been in his bag. By the time she carried the tray with coffee and cake into the living room, he seemed to be well on his way to being drunk.
So, Brother Peck has been here to help you while I was gone? he asked quietly.
Yes, he and Dolly came twice while you were gone. They stayed the night both times. He did some work on the car and Dolly just visited with me and the girls. It was nice to see them. They have always treated me well. Barbara replied. In her mind she was wondering, what could be wrong about that? Uncle Peck was Genes older brother. He and his wife had driven to Texas to check on Barbara and the girls twice in the time Gene was overseas. How could that be upsetting to Gene? Surely, in this country, brothers looked after each others families when they were unable to do so themselves? 
She could tell Gene was angry, but didnt know what he was angry about. Nervousness caused Barbara to chatter on about anything and everything. Trying to stay busy and figure things out, she tidied up the small living room as she chattered. Gene just looked at her and drank from his bottle. 
Finally she could stand it no more. She sat on the sofa and took his hand. What is the matter, Dear? Has something upset you?
Why would I be upset? Is there something I should be upset about? Did something happen while I was gone that would upset me? he snarled.
No! Nothing has happened. Ive missed you and the girls have missed you. Now that
youre home Linda will be able to get to know her father. Donna is the one I worry about.
She is so quiet since youve been away. Now she will come out of her shell and be the little girl she was before you had to leave.
Their Uncle Peck seems to have made an impression on them. Did he make an impression on you?
Tears welled in her eyes. He hadnt changed. He was angry at the world and at her. She had done nothing but love him, give him children, take care of his home. And he was angry. What could she do? How could she make things the way they were before his brother was killed, when they were first married? Barbara stood and picked up the tray with his untouched coffee and started toward the kitchen. Why had it turned out this way?
Gene stood up and started toward her. The air was charged and Barbara felt raw fear even though she knew she had done nothing wrong. Her last thought was please dont let him hurt my babies.


Part II

Rose woke to the sound of something breaking and a cry. She wasnt worried because her Daddy was home and he would take care of anything bad. She had missed him so much when he was gone. Now that he was home they would have so much fun, like when he was on leave from his job in the Army. They would go to the zoo and play in the park everyday now. Thinking about all the fun allowed her to drift back to sleep even though she could hear her mother crying. Her Mother cried most nights so it was something she was used to hearing. But she didnt have to go to her tonight. Her Daddy would take care of the tears.
Sometime in the night Rose was awakened by her Daddy. He smelled funny. His eyes were bright and strange looking. Wake up Rose, we are going somewhere. 
Where, Daddy? 
To see Granny. Come on now, get up and get dressed. Call me when youre dressed and Ill come carry you. Get you sister up and help her get dressed too. Now hurry!
Rose dressed and woke Donna and helped her get dressed too. She could hear the baby crying and wondered why her Mother didnt pick her up and comfort her like she always did. Sleepy and confused, Rose did as she was told, then sat and waited for her Daddy to come.
Rose never saw her Mother again. Years later she could recall just flashes of the last night she was with her Mother; the sound of a crash, a scream, broken furniture, a broken lamp in the living room floor, her daddy carrying her and her sisters to the car. She remembered a braided rug that covered the faded tile in the living room. It was rolled up, like her mother rolled it up when she cleaned the floor. Her Daddy carried it to the car and put it in the trunk just before he drove away from the little apartment where they had lived. She remembered her Daddy taking them to his mothers house, her Granny, and leaving them. He left the same night that he dropped them off and was gone for a very long time. On and off through the years he would drop by to visit for a few hours and one time he even brought a new wife to meet the girls. But he never stayed long enough for Rose to ask about her mother. Besides, she was afraid to ask, afraid he would get that scary look in his eyes again. Granny always said that she ran off with another Army man, but Rose knew that this wasnt true. Her Mother would never leave without her and her sisters. Years later, Gene showed up in the middle of the night and loaded the girls up and took them to California. They didnt even get to say goodbye to their friends at school. They were there one day, gone the next. Kind of like their mother.

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## motherhubbard

That was just excellent. I loved the ending and the way it left me, it just left me and nothing was resolved. So sad and unresolved. I’d like to read a story about rose now. I love when a story leaves me wondering what could happen next and wondering how the characters turn out.

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## Granny5

Well, that is just the way it ended. I haven't seen Rose since the night they left Arkansas. I have talked with her on the phone and internet, but not recently. The girls were my sisters for ten years then they were gone. Donna passed away from lung cancer at 22 and Linda has been back several times but I've lost touch with her in recent years. Thank you for reading it, Baby.
You've probably heard it before. It's is a sad story.

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## Poppy

I wish there was another chapter. This was a thrilling read. Very good work.

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## Granny5

> I wish there was another chapter. This was a thrilling read. Very good work.


What would I do without family? :FRlol:  
Thank you Poppy.

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## Granny5

I know this needs work and I would appreciate any suggestion anyone has.
Thanks in advance.
Granny

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## barbara0207

I was really captured by the story. The way you told it was full of suspense, you evoked emotions like pity, fear, anger and disgust.

But at the end of the story you leave the reader alone. I had read the comments first so I knew that things would be unresolved, but I didn't expect that there wasn't an ending at all. It seeps away like a stream in the desert. I don't mean you should write a happy ending, as you would in a detective story. But your ending is just a report of what happened in reality - you go just as far as you actually know the story. Couldn't you use your imagination to write an ending of some kind?

Um, I think I haven't made myself too clear, but at the moment that's the best I can do.  :Smile:

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## Granny5

Barbara, I understand completely what you mean. I have been working on it for a few days. The rest of the story is unresolved. I am working on an ending, but it remains unresolved so I'm not sure if it will help the story or not. Next week I'll post it if I get it readable. Thank you for taking the time to read it and to comment. This story is about my uncle and his wife, gone before I was born. It is a true store as far as we can accertain. Everyone who would know what really happened are gone except for Rose. She just recalls bits of that night. But, I am trying to continue the story. Thanks again.

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## applepie

I didn't forget to read. I promised I would, but I've just found the time to do it. I'm a little ashamed to say that your story brought tears to my eyes (I'm not the weepy kind, so that's why I was a little embarassed). It was such a sad tale, and it was made all the more so because it is true. I know how different husbands can be after being gone for a long time, and then they are not the same when they return home. My hubby never was in any combat, and he still changed. I've known some men who have seen combat in Iraq and the differences in them when they come back are heartbreaking. My only suggestion is to write a little more as if it is a narrative. If you talk about even yourself as the story teller a bit, then you can add an ending more like Barbara mentioned. Very nice Granny, and thank your for sharing.

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## motherhubbard

OK- I’ve been thinking. If the story were about rose instead you could go on to tell something about how rose resolved the issue or how she didn’t or something that is the end of the story Barbra. Or it could be about gene and end with his funeral- that was something. I don’t know, sometimes I think that nothing has a clear beginning or a clear ending. My beginning doesn’t start with me, there was you and there was granny and grace-a… and where does it end? There are the kids and grand kids and so on. I do know that you are a fantastic story teller and I loved reading this.

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## Sweets America

I actually like the story the way it is, with this ending. It is so strange to know that it really happened. I usually like mysterious endings, and this one was good, in my opinion. It sometimes ruins the effect to try too hard to find explanations. Here, I don't think it's about giving explanations, it's more about telling a story, with its emotions and mysteries, and I think the fact that we might never know what happened is part of the story itself.

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## Granny5

> OK- Ive been thinking. If the story were about rose instead you could go on to tell something about how rose resolved the issue or how she didnt or something that is the end of the story Barbra. Or it could be about gene and end with his funeral- that was something. I dont know, sometimes I think that nothing has a clear beginning or a clear ending. My beginning doesnt start with me, there was you and there was granny and grace-a and where does it end? There are the kids and grand kids and so on. I do know that you are a fantastic story teller and I loved reading this.


Thank you Baby. I'm thinking on it. I'll come up with something maybe. As for me being a good story teller, I think I'm a better oral story teller than writer. And you have an interest because it's part of your family history. Not everyone has the same interest.

Meg, Thank you for taking the time to read it and comment. I know it needs more but I haven't figured out how to go about it. But, I'll figure something out.

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## applepie

> Meg, Thank you for taking the time to read it and comment. I know it needs more but I haven't figured out how to go about it. But, I'll figure something out.


Good luck to you Granny in figuring it out. Sometimes it can be so easy to know something is missing, but it is much harder to figure out what it is that you need to add in order to make the story complete. Just add what feels right to you. I thought it was a lovely story to begin with, and I'm sure any additions will be equally as enjoyable.

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## AuntShecky

Hi, Granny,
You may have stumbled upon a theme that is both timely
and timeless. Don't give up on the story, as you seem to
realize that writing is a process, rather than an open-and-shut activity.
You did solicit suggestions so here are a few:
Why is there a bifurcation between the two parts of the story? Can it be compressed into a more seamless narrative?

When I was young (so very, very long ago!) I was taught that the first rule of fiction writing was show, not tell. Trust the power of nuance, and let the action, characters, dialogue do the work of the plot.

Stylistically, you could vary the types and length of your sentences. It is less taxing on the reader not to plough through strings of simple, declarative sentences. Mix it up with a few compound, complex sentences, participial phrases, etc. Also, there should be a clearer break between paragraphs, but this might be a general technical problem with posting text online.

Keep working on this, Granny; as I said, you've got something here.

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## PrinceMyshkin

I'll begin with a disagreement with the previous comment. I thought the shift of point of view - though abrupt - was absolutely appropriate. YOu shift from the over action, that is what anyone might have seen and heard if they had been privy to Barbara's mind and then were looking through the window and saw the beginning of the brutality and maybe even the murder.

But the shift to Rose's point of view communicates to us that children never fully know what adults, not even their parents, are up to; and more than that, that even if Rose had witnessed the murder, she could not possibly have comprehended it. In fact through her eyes we do learn, from the rolled up carpet, that Barbara has been murdered and carted away.

What's missing, I think, is something about Rose's relationship with her father when she became a young woman. I can accept the fact that someone Gene got away with the murder. I don't even need to know whether there was any sort of police investigation into Barbara's disappearance, but I have trouble accepting that there was no evidence of guilt or a hardening in Gene, something in his behaviour that made Rose wonder at times. 

There are strong hints of a dysfunctional past in Gene's relation with each of his brothers. That needs to be gone into even if only a bit more. Does Rose never again see her uncle? Does Gene manage to ostracize him from the family? I believe that Gene, even more than Rose, is the center of this story and even if you cannot get into the mind of a murderer, you ought to provide us something we could use to guess at it.

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## Pendragon

Brings back some rather touchy memories of my own...never really resolved to my satisfaction, though I believe I know the truth.

But as for your story. It has all the right elements of a good suspense story, although I would agree with Jerry that background on the couple's relationship prior to the crime, and prior to the drinking would be helpful. I am, unfortunally, far from surprised that the man got away with it, given that the woman was a German National and the time period and location. 

Any speculation on closure to the case, I would not write without my friend's precise permission. People are mistaken to think that childen forget or do not know exactly what has happened. Often they do only too clearly, and the only way to deal with it is denial of what they know to be fact. I would not try to end the story without imput from your friend if possible. 

You write very well. Invent a detective and solve crimes!

Pen

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## mtpspur

I was roaming the site when I came across Pen's commentand he rarely fails to intrigue and enlighten. I was spellbound. The sense of foreboding and unresolved and probably very unpleasant situations. My congratulations on a very sincere and approrpriately understated story that is uncomfortable in its ramifications and yet so compleiing and your courage and trust in your yourself and the audience on the net here.

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## gothic

Granny,almost all the respectable lit-netters have already given sufficient comments and suggestions on the story,what is there left for someone like me to say? The story is already fascinating one,with all the necessary shifts and blows and most importantly an unfinished finishing,that leaves an enduring impression on the reader. and the story undoubtably has it.

Hoping to read another work like this from you soon! :Smile:

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## Granny5

mtpspur, gothic, everyone,
thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this story. I appreciate so much everyones kind comments and imput. It's such 
a joy to have found such a wonderful and helpful community!

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## gothic

nothing to thank for granny.we are here to share our writings as well as our innermost feelings,aren't we?that's why I just love this community!It's not everywhere you get such well wishers,you know.

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## Pensive

Very interesting story, Granny5, though very sad I found the death of Barbara. The emotions of little girl and the urge in her to get to meet her mother also were very emotional. 

But I do agree with PrinceMyshkin's comments as well. There are many questions this story leaves unanswered (making me even more curious!). I think he has put them well, so I would just second them and I also hope you do write something about Rose too.  :Smile:  Would like to read it.

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## Granny5

Thanks, Pensive, for taking the time to read Barbara. I've put it away for a while to think about. Maybe I can come up with something to explain the whole story. I appreciate your help and comments.

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## tamora

Granny, I was immediately intrigued by this story and your unique way of writing it. A sense of foreboding crept up on me while I was reading and the suspenseful elements kept me going until the end. It is a great story! Everyone has posted wonderful suggestions and on some level I agree with many of them. I actually read this story last night and have been thinking about it for some time. At first, I also found myself wanting more and wondering about the possible conclusions to this story. But after giving the matter some thought, I believe that if a more in depth conclusion had been given to me, this story would not still be haunting me tonight.

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## Granny5

> Granny, I was immediately intrigued by this story and your unique way of writing it. A sense of foreboding crept up on me while I was reading and the suspenseful elements kept me going until the end. It is a great story! Everyone has posted wonderful suggestions and on some level I agree with many of them. I actually read this story last night and have been thinking about it for some time. At first, I also found myself wanting more and wondering about the possible conclusions to this story. But after giving the matter some thought, I believe that if a more in depth conclusion had been given to me, this story would not still be haunting me tonight.


Thank you, tamora. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on the story.

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## MAXIM

Oh! Granny, you have written such a compelling piece that I just have to write to you. It is written so superbly, the tale of the brutal, suspicious man, and his wife and daughter, so full of innocence. After such sad and heart-wrenching story, do write a happy story completely opposite of this one. I first read Tamoras comments and curiously started reading the story. I can guess how she must have felt after reading this story.
 :Thumbs Up:  
Maxim

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## Granny5

> Oh! Granny, you have written such a compelling piece that I just have to write to you. It is written so superbly, the tale of the brutal, suspicious man, and his wife and daughter, so full of innocence. After such sad and heart-wrenching story, do write a happy story completely opposite of this one. I first read Tamoras comments and curiously started reading the story. I can guess how she must have felt after reading this story.
>  
> Maxim


Thanks so much, Maxim. I appreciate you kindness and encouragement.

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