# Reading > Who Said That? >  Funniest quotes

## Levenbreech Vor

Who do you guys think has the funniest quotes.

I'd vote for Douglas Adams.

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## Reichenbach

I'd second that, if you want some really cool quotes check out this site, it's great . . . www.mytheme.com

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## starrwriter

Dorothy Parker. When she was informed that former President Calvin Coolidge had just died, she quipped: "How could they tell?"

I also love the wit of Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain.

Wilde: "A good friend stabs you in the front."

Twain: "Whenever I get the urge for strenuous exercise, I lay down until the feeling goes away."

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## subterranean

What did he say anway?




> Who do you guys think has the funniest quotes.
> 
> I'd vote for Douglas Adams.

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## Levenbreech Vor

I second Mark Twain, he is really funny.

Also Woody Allen is way up there on my "funny quote ladder"


Levenbreech Vor

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## okmit

Will Rogers: Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" untill you find a rock.

"An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you just found out."

"Rome collapsed because it had a Senate,now whats going to happen to us with a Senate and a House."

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## Mortis Anarchy

"A zebra does not change spots!" :FRlol:  
-Al Gore

"OBGYN's out there that can't practice, their, their love with women!" :FRlol:  
-W. Bush

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
-Arnie

"Thats a good looking mummy! If I were single I would ask that mummy out on a date"
-Clinton

Good times. I just watched a show on the stupidest/funniest quotes ever said. :Biggrin:

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## RobinHood3000

Twain, Wilde, and Churchill - the quotation trifecta.

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## Mortis Anarchy

I agree...Wilde has some of the best quotes ever!

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## androcles

"Then let them execute me in my absence"

Brendan Behan, on being informed that the I.R.A. had sentenced him to death in his absence.

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## Sparrow

I absolutely adore Oscar Wilde; I find him very funny.

I don't really have a quote that I find the most comical, but for some reason I laughed so hard when a character in The Thee Musketeers said, "Ah! You have killed me!"

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## mmaria

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. (Einstein)

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## Delta40

"I am nobody
Nobody is perfect
Therefore, I must be perfect!"
- Anon

This guy - Anon - well he wins hands down everytime if you ask me!!! He says alot of quirky things throughout the ages....

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## weltanschauung

> I second Mark Twain, he is really funny.
> 
> Also Woody Allen is way up there on my "funny quote ladder"
> 
> 
> Levenbreech Vor


_I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying._






> I absolutely adore Oscar Wilde; I find him very funny.


_ I do not play cricket because it requires me to assume such indecent postures._

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## pgwodehousefan

OSCAR WILDE (fall on your knees....worship the god)
WOODY ALLEN
Here's a genius neglected on this thread-WODEHOUSE, his dialogue is embellished with hysteria-inducing gems.

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## Pecksie

Was it Oscar Wilde who said 'I can resist everything except temptation'?  :Smile:

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## AuntShecky

What about Groucho?

"I never met a man I didn't like, but in your case I'm willing to
make an exception."

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## free

Nature has given us two ears, but only one mouth. 

- Benjamin Disraeli, Henrietta Temple

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## YesNo

"Facts change, but opinions don't."

Walter Cronkite

Quoted by Harry S. Dent, Jr, "The Demographic Cliff", page 227.

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## free

'Who loves not wine, woman and song,
He is a fool his whole life long!' 

William Makepeace Thackeray, A Credo

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## stlukesguild

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress .. But I repeat myself." -Mark Twain

More true than ever.

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## stlukesguild

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
-Will Rogers

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## stlukesguild

Don't forget Ambrose Bierce:

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

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## mortalterror

Back in high school I was a big fan of Ambroce Bierce. I liked his definition of Exile so much I wrote it down in my journal:

EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. 


An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply:

Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly received. War with the whole world!

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## free

I don't remember who said this, excuse me.  :Smile:  It was a certain public speaker or lecturer and it goes like this:

Many times I noticed people looking at their watches while I was speaking, because they could hardly wait for the speach to end, but once I saw a man not only looking at his watch, but putting it on his ear to cheque if it was working at all.

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## MANICHAEAN

Timothy Timex.

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## mesolzhenitsy

> Timothy Timex.


https://www.google.com.tr/search?q=t...FcMWLAod4jAN8A

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## UlyssesE

Since Twain, Wilde, and Churchill have already been thoroughly named... how about the surprise entry of Socrates?

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher." A quote applicable to those in any type of relationship  :Smile:

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## SkagBoy

This from Stephen King has always tickled me:

_I'm the literary equivalent of a big mac and fries._

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## stacy55

"A jealous women does better research than FBI"..

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## stacy55

Also, this one "Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything".

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## MaryLee

_If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?_ but I just don't remember who said that

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## Pompey Bum

> _If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?_ but I just don't remember who said that


It's a good question, but the answer, of course, is Braille.  :Smile:

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## AsierRed

Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

MARK TWAIN, about Jane Austen

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