# Writing > Short Story Sharing >  Legacy of Blaze--first chapter

## glennr25

Hey guys, I'm back! I know this is a short story forum, but I wanted to share the first couple of chapters of my nearly finished novel.


* Chapter 1*

Breaking into the apothecary was sure to get Seth’s hands chopped off. But he had to take the chance. Inside was the only thing that would stop the nightmares that were driving him crazy. 

He checked his watch when he was outside his apartment building. Traveling on the main roads was too risky at night, patrols would be everywhere with curfew in effect. But even that wasn’t a sure thing. Since his mandatory microchip implant he felt like he was being watched day and night. 

Every other day he would watch from his window as guardsmen entered into people’s homes, wondering when it would be his turn. They’d take them out by force and throw them into a black tinted van. They’d never come back. Most people who opposed the Empire never did. They said they didn’t do it because it was fun, but because it kept everything in order. They made sure to remind people every day with lessons, sometimes over the television, but most times everywhere you went. He was kneeling down next to one now in a rat infested alley as he waited for a patrol to pass by. Lesson # 1: Anyone who steals from the government steals from the people. Punishment: Your hands get chopped off. 

Once the patrol was out of view he took his flashlight out from his back pocket and gave the signal. A few seconds later three rapid flashes came from the alley across the street, the pendant around his neck lit up bright green with each one. He made sure the coast was clear before crossing, keeping low to the pavement. 

Suddenly he heard a shriek come from one of the houses in front, sending him sliding behind one of the cars parked on the curb. There was a struggle, then he saw a woman dart across the street. “We’ve got a runner,” said one of the guards. Seth heard the guard’s shock rifle charge, the hum it generated tickled his ear. Then a blue bolt shot out and the woman went down flat on her stomach; her eyes looking straight at Seth as her body twitched on the cool asphalt. He sucked in his breath.

The guard laughed. “She made it pretty far. Must be some kind of record.” 

“Go on and reel her in so we can get out of here. I’m hungry.” 

Seth listened for the footsteps, they were coming from the hood of the car. Two guards, one waited on the sidewalk. He slid under the car and watched as they dragged the body back to the van.

When they were gone he got out from under the car and went over to the alley. Rita and Darius were waiting. “Stupid, what was she thinking running off like that?” Rita said. He shone the light on her. Her blue eyes sparkled. Rita Higgins was sixteen like him, but you wouldn’t know it from the way she carried herself. Always cool and collected. Something she picked up while training with Father. He disappeared five years ago, right around the time Marridis Cash took over the world. But not before he taught Seth everything he knew. Martial arts came in handy at times like these. 

“Maybe she knew she was going to die anyways,” Darius nervously said. Seth shifted the light onto him, he was still kneeling down behind one of the trash cans. Darius James’ eyes and skin were a coffee-colored match, and he was burly, thanks to his football training. He was the fastest person Seth knew, but cautious, always cautious. Which also came in handy. 

They hurried through the alley and came out on the opposite end.

The apothecary was a dark-medieval-looking place that went well with the black smog that hung low in the sky. A sign hung over the front door that read THE EMPIRE’S APOTHECARY with a weird looking symbol that had markings along the edges, written in a language that Seth had never seen before. Ads of the great King, Marridis Cash, could be seen plastered all over the face of the building, although he wasn’t really a King. It was a little joke they shared between the three of them. Whenever they would see a new ad, they’d say, “There goes the King of Kings” or “All hail the great King.” They would usually bow with their arms extended. It helped lighten up their sad existence, even if it was just for a few minutes.

“This place has just taken the top spot of creepiest things I've seen in my life,” said Darius.

He was right, there was definitely something funny about the place. And it wasn't just the odd-looking architecture and symbols. It was something else. Something Seth couldn't quite explain. And sure enough, as Seth got closer to the building, burning red eyes flashed through his mind, a familiar dark hooded figure appeared, but this one looked different from the ones in his nightmare; he had long pointy ears, milky pale skin, and a grin of pure evil. 

The sheer pain sent Seth down to the concrete, knees first, as he grasped his ears with both hands to try and stop the ringing noise. 

Darius and Rita hurried over to him. “Are you okay, what happened?” the two of them asked with a duo of worried looks on their faces. After the pain subsided a bit he got up off of his knees with the help of them both. 

“It looked like one of the dark figures from my nightmare,” said Seth, his hands trembling. “But he seemed different from the others somehow…darker. It felt…it almost felt like he was watching me.”

Darius took a couple steps back. “Whoa, I've never heard of nightmares doing that before. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all.” 

“It could be a sign,” said Rita, with an alternative, unsurprisingly to Seth. “What if the thing you saw in your head doesn't want you to get the book and that’s why you saw him just now?” She always had the right thing to say whenever things were at their worse. Seth had long figured out that she was always just craving for an adventure. And here they were just when things couldn't get any weirder, Rita was ready to head into the abyss. It would usually take Darius and him to talk her out of her crazy plans. But this time Seth couldn't argue with her; he had to find a way to get the images out of his head no matter what. 

“Maybe you’re right, maybe you’re not. Either way this is the best chance I've got in getting rid of this.”

Seth walked to the front door window, his green eyes reflected off the glass with the help of the streetlamp across the street. He cupped both hands and peered inside. There were potions and bottles at the far end of the room, a bunch of tables with chemistry equipment scattered all over, along with a shelf-full of books. It was too dark to make out anything else. He didn't notice any guards, which was odd because it was a shop owned by the Empire. His gut didn't like that, but his head kept telling him to move on for the sake of his sanity. They went around the castle-looking-building to see if they could somehow slip through a back door or something. 

A high chain-link fence greeted them. He was the first to go up, and as he made his way over, Seth caught a camera whizzing at the far corner of the shop, the red glow from the lens giving it away. As soon as he noticed it, he barrel-rolled behind some bushes. Upon closer inspection, the camera seemed poorly placed, hitting a blind spot once it turned away from the fence. He signaled to Rita and Darius where the camera was as soon as he saw their heads in view. They ran over to him. “You see that door over there?” Seth said, pointing at the door about twenty yards—on the other end of the building—just below the camera. Darius and Rita nodded. “We need to get there as fast as we can once the camera stops and starts moving away from this corner. We have about fifteen seconds to make it there before it comes back around and catches us.”

“Don’t you find it odd that there’s only one camera and nobody guarding the place?” said Darius. 

“It does seem weird,” Rita replied, moving around her feet to get a good position to run. “But we got this far, we’re not backing out now.” 

The camera was coming back around. “OK, get ready,” said Seth. "One…two…three…Go.” He went first, with Darius and Rita following right behind, as they barely made it with three seconds to spare. Seth peered through the window; all he could see was what looked like a maintenance closet and a door that he figured led to the main room. Rita reached into her pocket and pulled out a lock pick. Another one of the many attributes that amazed Seth. 

“Wait,” said Darius. “What if there’s an alarm?” 

Seth looked inside one more time. “I don’t see any wires coming from the door.”

Rita shoved the metal wire into the door knob and said, “If there aren't any guards around and only one camera, what makes you think there would be an alarm, genius?” 

Darius shrugged. “What if they meant for you to think that?”

“Well,” she said while jerking the pick around, “I guess we’re about to find out.” After a couple of minutes of moving the pick inside the keyhole, just before the sound of metal scratching metal was starting to get annoying, there was a click and the door opened. “See, no alarm.”

He clicked the flashlight on and opened the door to the main room. The first thing Seth noticed was the dizzying smell of chemicals, there were more odd symbols on the walls, and lots and lots of books and potions. 

“OK,” Rita said while making her way to the bookshelf. “Let’s find the book and get out of here.”

“You don’t have to say that twice,” said Darius. “Do you know what it looks like?”

“It should be very old, and it should be entitled, ‘Alchemy.’”

Darius shot her a suspicious look. “Wait a minute, how do you know this again?”

“My parents know someone who used to work here before the Purge,” she explained. “He told me that there was a book with instructions that could help with getting rid of nightmares.”

Seth looked through the hundreds of books using the flashlight. There were books about chemistry, transmutation, anatomy, and history. Each one looked as if they were hundreds of years old, with an inch thick of dust at the top of the bookends. “Stop,” Rita demanded. Seth did just that. She bent down to grab an old dusty book. “Here it is.” She turned around and blew the dust all over Darius's face. 

He coughed. “Watch it.”

The book was an old brown color, with a star symbol under the title, and a cover that looked like it had been ran through a shredder. Rita opened it as Seth kept the light on it. The pages were littered with the same strange symbols found around the walls in the shop. As Rita flipped through the pages, the images started flooding through Seth’s mind again. He stumbled a bit, catching himself on the bookshelf. Rita and Darius stopped and started to head over to him, when he waved them away. ”I’m okay. Keep looking.” They both looked at him for a minute, but eventually picked up where they left off.

”If it’s not too long,” said Rita as she flipped hastily, “maybe we can just rip the pages out and leave the book.”

“Good idea,” replied Darius. “That would save us the trouble of carrying it all the way back home.” 

Rita’s eyes widened when she finally stopped. “Got it!”

The door knob to the front door started to rattle just then. 

“Someone’s coming!” Darius warned. All three of them scattered, looking around for somewhere to hide. They settled behind one of the book shelves in the corner of the room just as the door was starting to swing open. Seth clicked the flashlight off.

The door opened with a loud creak, followed by heavy footsteps that sent a vibration running along the wooden floor beneath them with each step. Seth peeked through one of the creases in the bookshelf but couldn't see anything just yet. Whoever it was, they seemed to be making their way over to the bookshelf, their bookshelf. Rita was beside him, clutching the book for dear life, and Darius was crouched down, bullets of sweat forming on his brow. 

The guard stopped in front of the bookshelf where they were hiding, his boots grinding on the wooden floor like nails on a chalkboard. The sound of his breath so close, Seth could smell what he had for breakfast. 

This is it, he said to himself, Darius and Rita are going to get caught. He should have kept his big mouth shut and suffered through the nightmares instead of getting his best friends involved, now they won’t see their families or the light of day for the rest of their lives. If he had to he would distract him, give Rita and Darius enough time to get away. 

But to Seth’s surprise, the guard turned around and walked back towards the door. Seth got a good look at his face as the light from outside glanced off of him. 

Once the door closed, the three of them scurried to the back of the shop, and outside, where they jumped the fence with the book in hand, just missing being imprisoned for life; the guard’s grin still fresh on Seth’s mind.

----------


## Calidore

Two questions before I read it:

1) Your last nic is still showing "banned". The reasons why are none of my (or anybody's) business, but did you get a mod's okay to post here again?

2) Do you want criticism or just positive feedback?

----------


## glennr25

1. No. Will get on that right away.

2. Never asked for positive feedback before, I asked for objectivity. Decided to give the site one more chance though.

----------


## AuntShecky

> Then a blue bolt shot out and the *woman went down face-first; her eyes looking straight at Seth* as her body twitched on the cool asphalt.


How is this physically possible?

----------


## glennr25

Basically, she was lying on her stomach. I could say she went down flat on her stomach, but I don't think it holds as much weight. I'm also not going to describe every bit of that scene. Face-first can mean anything by itself. But by me following it up with *her eyes looking straight at Seth*, you should get an idea of what position she's in.

----------


## Calidore

> 1. No. Will get on that right away.
> 
> 2. Never asked for positive feedback before, I asked for objectivity. Decided to give the site one more chance though.


True, you didn't, but you didn't respond very well to objectivity that wasn't positive feedback.

And now you're ignoring your banning to give _us_ one more chance? Doesn't sound like much has changed. Best of luck to you.

----------


## glennr25

> True, you didn't, but you didn't respond very well to objectivity that wasn't positive feedback.
> 
> And now you're ignoring your banning to give _us_ one more chance? Doesn't sound like much has changed. Best of luck to you.


Cal, you must not have read all my posts then, because I acknowledge the objective feedback I received, not so much the subjective ones. Anyhow, that's neither here nor there, if you don't want to provide feedback then you don't have to. I'm only here to provide, and receive, feedback on stories. If you don't want to interact with any of my stories, that's your choice.

----------


## Grit

> Cal, you must not have read all my posts then, because I acknowledge the objective feedback I received, not so much the subjective ones. Anyhow, that's neither here nor there, if you don't want to provide feedback then you don't have to. I'm only here to provide, and receive, feedback on stories. If you don't want to interact with any of my stories, that's your choice.


Pardon my interruption, but a question in my mind was urging to be asked.

How exactly do you expect one to read your story "objectively" as opposed to "subjectively"? All beings are by their own nature subjective. I would put forward that you are asking for a critique that is impossible.

No matter how impartial one may try to be while reviewing your work, their life experience, personal blue-print, world views, cultural influences and societal upbringing will all affect how they feel about it. 

I'm not sure than what you really want from your readers, except perhaps some who enjoy your work. That is a fair enough wish but I would not attack those who simply do not jive with your writing.

----------


## Delta40

I found the use of apothecary misleading at the beginning as it put me in a different timeframe when this is so obviously in the future. It is over written in places and could do with more simplified sentences. But although it isn't my cup of tea, you have a plot.

----------


## glennr25

> Pardon my interruption, but a question in my mind was urging to be asked.
> 
> How exactly do you expect one to read your story "objectively" as opposed to "subjectively"? All beings are by their own nature subjective. I would put forward that you are asking for a critique that is impossible.
> 
> No matter how impartial one may try to be while reviewing your work, their life experience, personal blue-print, world views, cultural influences and societal upbringing will all affect how they feel about it. 
> 
> I'm not sure than what you really want from your readers, except perhaps some who enjoy your work. That is a fair enough wish but I would not attack those who simply do not jive with your writing.


Personal views is OK just as long as it doesn't get in the way of objective feedback. But when you start comparing works with other works and other works before that, you're not doing anything to help the writer at all. You're just comparing the work to your favorite stories and movies. Anybody who posts on this thread should not be OK with pure subjective feedback. If you agree then I don't think you understand the definition of "constructive criticism."

----------


## glennr25

> I found the use of apothecary misleading at the beginning as it put me in a different timeframe when this is so obviously in the future. It is over written in places and could do with more simplified sentences. But although it isn't my cup of tea, you have a plot.


I agree, it may seem misleading, but it was definitely intentional. Appreciate the feedback Delta, I'll definitely look into simplifying some of the sentences.

----------


## Grit

> Personal views is OK just as long as it doesn't get in the way of objective feedback.* But when you start comparing works with other works and other works before that, you're not doing anything to help the writer at all.* You're just comparing the work to your favorite stories and movies. Anybody who posts on this thread should not be OK with pure subjective feedback. If you agree then I don't think you understand the definition of "constructive criticism."


Do you not seek to be a creator of original works? Every reader compares the story they are experiencing to every other story they've ever experienced. It is not a conscious thing. I would argue that by comparing your story to others they know of, by pointing out the similarities, they are helping you to create more original work. By bringing awareness to the aspects of your story that may not be organic they are helping you grow to new heights. Isn't growth constructive?

----------


## glennr25

> Do you not seek to be a creator of original works? Every reader compares the story they are experiencing to every other story they've ever experienced. It is not a conscious thing. I would argue that by comparing your story to others they know of, by pointing out the similarities, they are helping you to create more original work. By bringing awareness to the aspects of your story that may not be organic they are helping you grow to new heights. Isn't growth constructive?


Nothing is original. Every story that is written shares aspects with stories that came before it. Now, if the plot is exactly the same as past works(e.g. Harry Potter with Star Wars and Ender's Game; Hunger Games with Battle Royale) then I can understand the subjective feedback. But picking out small elements of a story and comparing it with stories that came a half a century ago is not helping any.

Anyways, are you here to argue, or to provide feedback?

----------


## Grit

> Nothing is original. Every story that is written shares aspects with stories that came before it. Now, if the plot is exactly the same as past works(e.g. Harry Potter with Star Wars and Ender's Game; Hunger Games with Battle Royale) then I can understand the subjective feedback. But picking out small elements of a story and comparing it with stories that came a half a century ago is not helping any.


Yet some stories achieve originality. The statement 'every story has already been written' is confused. Every archetype has been observed in multiple stories for ages, yes, but every story has not been told. I read just awhile ago an original fantasy trilogy. _The Mistborn Trilogy_. It struck me as highly original, despite the volume of epic fantasy I have read. It is like you say, the difference is in the details. I would then argue that having details in common with popular stories would be something to be avoided, and as a writer I would thank anyone who would be so kind as to point these details out to me.

----------


## glennr25

> Yet some stories achieve originality. The statement 'every story has already been written' is confused. Every archetype has been observed in multiple stories for ages, yes, but every story has not been told. I read just awhile ago an original fantasy trilogy. _The Mistborn Trilogy_. It struck me as highly original, despite the volume of epic fantasy I have read. It is like you say, the difference is in the details. I would then argue that having details in common with popular stories would be something to be avoided, and as a writer I would thank anyone who would be so kind as to point these details out to me.


You're right, the difference is in the details. Mistborn is a great series, but there are a number of stories it borrows elements from. One of which being Lord of the Rings. Also, the idea of the hero failing is not original at all. I still don't understand how Mr. Sanderson's intriguing series was allowed to be marketed as such. It's been done on numerous occasions throughout a number of different storytelling platforms.

----------


## Calidore

Grit: It's worth pointing out that Glenn never attacked me personally (or Hawkman AFAIK), just our criticism. Though you don't get banned just for being argumentative.

Glenn: We spent a great deal of time and effort in the other threads trying to explain the difference between original use of old ideas and unoriginal use/outright cliche, but you were never willing or able to see it. Further, our pointing out of plot holes and things that made no sense in context was ignoring the big picture to nitpick insignificant details.

You talk about objectivity vs. subjectivity. It's also important for a writer to be able to tamp down his own (natural and unavoidable) subjectivity about his own work and look at it objectively, especially when evaluating outside input. As long as you're unwilling to do that, you can't be helped, and you will never get better.

----------


## glennr25

Here's a good quote on originality in storytelling: 

"Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery - celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from - it’s where you take them to.” 
― Jim Jarmusch

----------


## glennr25

> Grit: It's worth pointing out that Glenn never attacked me personally (or Hawkman AFAIK), just our criticism. Though you don't get banned just for being argumentative.
> 
> Glenn: We spent a great deal of time and effort in the other threads trying to explain the difference between original use of old ideas and unoriginal use/outright cliche, but you were never willing or able to see it. Further, our pointing out of plot holes and things that made no sense in context was ignoring the big picture to nitpick insignificant details.
> 
> You talk about objectivity vs. subjectivity. It's also important for a writer to be able to tamp down his own (natural and unavoidable) subjectivity about his own work and look at it objectively, especially when evaluating outside input. As long as you're unwilling to do that, you can't be helped, and you will never get better.



How original can a space opera short story be, Cal? Be serious. I thanked everyone for their objective feedback. Go back and read the posts again if you don't believe me. 

How helpful is it to compare my story to the thousands of Sci Fi stories that have come before it, stories that have long been forgotten? There are hundreds of authors that have stolen ideas from Doctor Who and Star Trek and Twilight Zone. As for plot holes, the ones that you, and I believe Hawkman, pointed out were explained. If you would have taken some time to think it over, then you would have probably figured it out on your own. 

But I understand completely why you would compare "Decision" to past works. I'm a Sci Fi fan myself, so I do the same when I go watch a new Sci Fi movie or read a new book. So if you didn't like the story, that's fine, I understand. It's just hard to gauge what I need to change when the feedback is constituted mostly of comparisons. 

I agree that every writer has to look at his work in an objective manner. But if I were to compare everyone of my stories to stories that came before, I'll drive myself crazy! All I do is write what's on my mind, that's all I can do. If it's good it's good, if not, then I'll save it in my folder and write another story.

----------


## Calidore

> Here's a good quote on originality in storytelling: 
> 
> "Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with *inspiration* or *fuels your imagination*. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery - celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from - *it’s where you take them to*.” 
> ― Jim Jarmusch


That is a good quote. I've bolded the parts that relate to our conversations. That's what we've been telling you--use what you take as means to your own ends, not as the ends in themselves. 




> How original can a space opera short story be, Cal? Be serious.


_Extremely_ original. You've fallen back in this excuse in every conversation, and it's only an excuse because it's dead wrong. No genre or subgenre restricts any author to only using cliches or regurgitating ideas. If you want to write this kind of story, you need to read lots more of the best ones, and instead of seeing only the old ideas, look at what that author is doing with them.

Let's look at mysteries, which are a much more restrictive form than sci-fi. The alcoholic private investigator is an extremely common trope. But read James Lee Burke's astonishingly good Dave Robicheaux novels for an example of how to take a template and create something completely non-cliche out of it. Cop novels are also a standard, but then we have Carol O'Connell's completely original anti-heroine Kathleen Mallory, whose personality and behavior bend the entire template in fascinating ways.

My point is, you _can_ write a completely original space opera using old ideas _if you are willing to make the effort_. When talking about one of your other stories, you said you'd written it in twelve hours, as if that's something to be proud of. Honestly, all that actually means is it's not nearly done yet. I remember telling you, either in that thread or a different one, that writing is harder than you think it is, and I think you need to remember that. It's the willingness to work that separates the men from the boys, and the published from the not-published.

I'll give you a quote as well, from Robert Graves: "There is no such thing as good writing, only good rewriting."




> How helpful is it to compare my story to the thousands of Sci Fi stories that have come before it, stories that have long been forgotten? There are hundreds of authors that have stolen ideas from Doctor Who and Star Trek and Twilight Zone. As for plot holes, the ones that you, and I believe Hawkman, pointed out were explained. If you would have taken some time to think it over, then you would have probably figured it out on your own. 
> 
> But I understand completely why you would compare "Decision" to past works. I'm a Sci Fi fan myself, so I do the same when I go watch a new Sci Fi movie or read a new book. So if you didn't like the story, that's fine, I understand. It's just hard to gauge what I need to change when the feedback is constituted mostly of comparisons. 
> 
> I agree that every writer has to look at his work in an objective manner. But if I were to compare everyone of my stories to stories that came before, I'll drive myself crazy! All I do is write what's on my mind, that's all I can do. If it's good it's good, if not, then I'll save it in my folder and write another story.


As stated before, the purpose of those comparisons was to show either how different their stuff was or your stuff wasn't. Writing what's on your mind is only a start; it's certainly _not_ all you can do. Comparing your stories to earlier influences so you can distance your work from them is very important. Wielding the Hammer of Structural Integrity without mercy is also very important. Another thing I said before: if you'd spend as much time polishing your stories as you do arguing incorrectly that you can't possibly do better, you'll do much better.

----------


## Delta40

I read, live, become inspired and write.

----------


## glennr25

Thank you for clarifying that for me, Cal. I'll make sure to put more time into my future work. I guess I've just been a bit impatient with a couple of my stories--forgot to put them away for a while and come back to it with fresh eyes. But don't think I don't appreciate the fact that you took the time to post on my stories, I do.

----------


## AuntShecky

> Basically, she was lying on her stomach. I could say she went down flat on her stomach, but I don't think it holds as much weight. I'm also not going to describe every bit of that scene. Face-first can mean anything by itself. But by me following it up with *her eyes looking straight at Seth*, you should get an idea of what position she's in.


Her face is facing the sidewalk, so how can her eyes look straight at Seth? Either she has eyes on the back of her head, or he's right there on the sidewalk underneath her.

Just trying to picture this --"objectively."

----------


## Calidore

Maybe simply "fell forward"?

----------


## glennr25

> Her face is facing the sidewalk, so how can her eyes look straight at Seth? Either she has eyes on the back of her head, or he's right there on the sidewalk underneath her.
> 
> Just trying to picture this --"objectively."


But isn't the cheek part of your face?

----------


## glennr25

> Maybe simply "fell forward"?


 I could definitely change it to this.

----------


## glennr25

Went ahead and changed it to *went down flat on her stomach*. Thanks for pointing that out Auntshecky, I've had a few other people read it and they never pointed that out, so I figured it was an OK line.

----------

