# Writing > Short Story Sharing >  'Fragment'...le mé féin

## SnámhDáÉan

I've never really had anyone judge anything I've written. 
So...anybody? I would greatly appreciate anything...strong, harsh words if possible.



Between active conception (the fruit industry badly managed and choked with bureaucracy), he was still prepared to buy several containers of citrus fruit (the physical union of egg and sperm), subject to the supplier eradicating a lot of backstabbing, says one rational soul (infused into a suitably organized body, since disappeared from Europe). Theyre not the most pleasant lot, and this distinction occurred in the context of a purely commercial deal.
What I dont understand is why they dont discuss the Immaculate Conception; the living are grieving for themselves too said a local entrepreneur, who would not be worth talking to, telling Ethiopians of sandwich bars. Zalmay Khalilzads death serves as a harsh reminder of the promise about food produce (accepted only because he was offered a lot of money to improve and speed up authority). The poor quality of popular believe suggests police and educated tourists drafting a timetable in playing the devils advocate despite a booming government, said the beasts, munching crops and small children.
We are the low end of poor quality, especially the children, in every nutritional nightly feeding drama. Its been a while since weve seen  if anything  a very powerful hyena man with an intrinsic regard for the thinness of civilisations veneer. Equality has demanded the hanging of girls in the few ungentrified streets, just waiting for boys night out to start: the spectacle itself consists of throwing scraps of animals at those freakin females. But a limited amount of days keeps thing under control; I want people to feel that they, and these girls, articulate the latest fashions, and, given that the hanging girls are photographed  a real rarity in Hollywood  improvisation flourishes. I want people to feel that these girls do best, that they have something that isnt everywhere. Although it should be accepted that the active physical conception is badly managed and choked with fruit, there is a lot of backstabbing (highly competitive lot).
Contrary to poor belief, vicious animals, especially children, move through ungentrified streets, munching crops, eggs and sperm (the rational soul is the Ethiopian fruit fly). In response to meeting the coming year, more authority is offered a lot of money to speed up practical changes despite a booming government. That fact, and the knowledge that he asks some lies and a limited number of days keeps things under control.

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## Vada Dagon

You want someone to judge what you wrote and then you gave this fragment of a novel.


Im breaking your fragment into smaller chunks to in order to demonstrate something.




> Between active conception (the fruit industry badly managed and choked with bureaucracy), he was still prepared to buy several containers of citrus fruit (the physical union of egg and sperm), subject to the supplier eradicating a lot of backstabbing, says one rational soul (infused into a suitably organized body, since disappeared from Europe). Theyre not the most pleasant lot, and this distinction occurred in the context of a purely commercial deal.


This flows nicely and seems like it fits together but I am confused as to what you are talking about. In fact, Im not sure I understand the whole fragment you included here. 

Your first sentence above 




> Between active conception (the fruit industry badly managed and choked with bureaucracy), he was still prepared to buy several containers of citrus fruit (the physical union of egg and sperm), subject to the supplier eradicating a lot of backstabbing, says one rational soul (infused into a suitably organized body, since disappeared from Europe).


It makes sense until you go into the egg & sperm part. I am not sure if this is suppose to be a fantasy and hence fruit and citrus copulate much like mammals do or if is just a reference to the origin of life. Citrus in fact come from seeds which do not require sperm and egg. In essence Citrus plants are hermaphrodites (having both sexes within itself) with the ability to self fertilize (meaning doesnt need another plant to create life). 
Here is a website to give you some ideas 
http://www.ultimatecitrus.com/pdf/tncitrus.htm

However it could be that you are not talking about the Citrus at all but about the buyer himself or perhaps it is an fantasy which involves a different reality in which we currently live. The problem is that as the reader I have no idea what you are getting at with that parenthetical statement.

The second part of the fragment I quoted above is a very nice sentence which seems to have absolutely no correlation to the purchase of Citrus, the egg and sperm or the bureaucracy that is mentioned. 




> Theyre not the most pleasant lot, and this distinction occurred in the context of a purely commercial deal.


We need to know who is not the most pleasant lot in order to be able to follow your thought. You do not need to divulge everything but you could add to the sentence the bureaucracy or whatever it is your are referencing which is not most pleasant. If referencing the Citrus you could say Theyre the most sour of the lot,.

I continue
You have a very nice way of writing but you need to give us a clue as to what you are writing about. You can keep us in the dark to the overall picture but you can still provide us with minor clues here and there so that we are following your train of thought. No matter how clever the reader, they will not be able to discern what you are trying to tell them if your symbolism is not reveal in some general sense. 




> What I dont understand is why they dont discuss the Immaculate Conception; the living are grieving for themselves too said a local entrepreneur, who would not be worth talking to, telling Ethiopians of sandwich bars. Zalmay Khalilzads death serves as a harsh reminder of the promise about food produce (accepted only because he was offered a lot of money to improve and speed up authority). The poor quality of popular believe suggests police and educated tourists drafting a timetable in playing the devils advocate despite a booming government, said the beasts, munching crops and small children.


Up to this point this is all I know:
Some guy buys fruit
There is reference to an organization that perhaps is corrupt
Someone has died for a false promise
There are tourists, police and government involved
Have no idea what the whole story is about.

Even Kafka with its strange stories or even stories like 1984 by George Orwell which have a psychedelic effect to them 

http://www.liferesearchuniversal.com/orwell.html
http://www.kafka.org/index.php?manuscripts

Here is a fragment from Kafkas Metamorphosis 
found at http://www.kafka.org/index.php?id=162,164,0,0,1,0

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. He was lying on his hard, as it were armor-plated, back and when he lifted his head a little he could see his domelike brown belly divided into stiff arched segments on top of which the bed quilt could hardly stay in place and was about to slide off completely. His numerous legs, which were pitifully thin compared to the rest of his bulk, waved helplessly before his eyes.


What has happened to me? he thought. It was no dream. His room, a regular human bedroom, only rather too small, lay quiet within its four familiar walls. Above the table on which a collection of cloth samples was unpacked and spread outSamsa was a traveling salesmanhung the picture which he had recently cut out of an illustrated magazine and put into a pretty gilt frame. It showed a lady, with a fur hat on and a fur stole, sitting upright and holding out to the spectator a huge fur muff into which the whole of her forearm had vanished!


Gregor's eyes turned next to the window, and the overcast skyone could hear raindrops beating on the window guttermade him quite melancholy. What about sleeping a little longer and forgetting all this nonsense, he thought, but it could not be done, for he was accustomed to sleep on his right side and in his present condition he could not turn himself over. However violently he forced himself toward his right side he always rolled onto his back again. He tried it at least a hundred times, shutting his eyes to keep from seeing his struggling legs, and only desisted when he began to feel in his side a faint dull ache he had never felt before.

Notice how even though we are almost having a trip or a nightmare with the protagonist the stream of thought makes sense and we can follow what is going on.
I have no idea what is going on in your fragment.

I hope my criticism helps. You have the ability to write very well, just need to bring your thoughts to the reader so that they can share in what it is you are trying to tell us.

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## Scheherazade

_1984_, _Metamorphosis_ and _The Trial_ are available on our Forum too:

http://www.online-literature.com/orwell/1984/

http://www.online-literature.com/fra...metamorphosis/

http://www.online-literature.com/for...lay.php?f=5219

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## Vada Dagon

> _1984_, _Metamorphosis_ and _The Trial_ are available on our Forum too:
> 
> http://www.online-literature.com/orwell/1984/
> 
> http://www.online-literature.com/fra...metamorphosis/
> 
> http://www.online-literature.com/for...lay.php?f=5219


Uhmmm.... Ooops!  :Blush:   :Blush:   :Blush:  
Guess I should'va checked here first.

Thanks!

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## SnámhDáÉan

> I hope my criticism helps. You have the ability to write very well, just need to bring your thoughts to the reader so that they can share in what it is you are trying to tell us.


I really appreciate your criticisms, thanks very much for your time.  :Wink:

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