# Writing > General Writing >  FAQs 2012 update

## hillwalker

*FAQs*

Certain new members have recently got their fingers burnt on here so we have decided to update the LitNet FAQ page in order to ensure everyone is fully aware of how LitNet operates.

*1 What is LitNet?* 
Lit Net is not a dating site for perspiring writers – it’s a self-help support group for aspiring writers.

*2 Why should I join?* 
It’s FREE and you don’t have to wear a silly uniform (unless you really want to).

*3 What else is so good about LitNet?* 
It’s less addictive than Prozac and has fewer side-effects. There is a risk of CPS* developing in those of a nervous disposition and some members suffering MBS* complain of repetitive strain injury and swollen ankles. Slight nausea has also been reported on occasion.
You are, of course, advised not to operate heavy machinery while navigating this site.
**see FAQ9*

*4 Are there any other benefits for being a member?* 
LitNet has a Loyalty scheme that is not widely publicised. Once you post more than 5000 posts you get 99% discount on Amazon (please note, offer currently only applies to FREE Kindle content)

*5 So it’s a fun site?*
Fun is rationed out on a strict basis. If we have too much fun *Admin* usually intervenes and closes the thread.

*6 Can I post my Haiku on here?* 
No. It won’t be Haiku.

*7 So am I allowed to post poetry that rhymes on here?* 
No – under the terms of the 2011 Gibraltar Convention on Human Rights rhyming is forbidden.

*8 How do I go about choosing my avatar?*
This is one of the hardest questions to answer. Some aim to attract members of the opposite sex by careful selection of a particularly attractive headshot (see my own example on the left). Others go for the shock element by choosing a more candid self-portrait. If in doubt use the picture of a well-known celebrity and pretend it’s you. 

*9 I’ve just posted my first ever poem on here but no one has read it or commented on it so far. What am I doing wrong?* 
One possibility is that you have succumbed to CPS (or Crap Poem Syndrome) and everybody is too embarrassed or discreet to point out how bad it is.
However, it might also be due to the fact that so far you have not responded to other writers’ pieces. This is a reciprocating site – the more feedback you give the more you will receive in exchange.
It’s worth pointing out that over-commenting can lead to MBS (Multiple Back Scratching) where you feel obliged to respond to every piece out of politeness. This is a self-replicating virus for which there is no known antidote other than temporary withdrawal or hypnosis. Most trained therapists recommend RSS as the path to recovery – Restraint, Selectivity and Sincerity. 

*10 I have just written my very first novel (I never ever wrote anything before) and it took me almost a whole weekend. Can I get proper reviews on here? And how do I get it published?*
Welcome, sucker. Regrettably this site does not support self-promotion or encourage self-publication. My advice – ‘Don’t go in the water’. The smell of blood carries and you could well end up as shark bait.

*11 I have an assignment/thesis that I have to hand in by tomorrow on ‘War and Peace’/Magic Realism. I don’t have time to read anything right now and I’m not very good at essays. Can someone on here please do my homework for me?* 
No. There is anecdotal evidence that students who get members to do their assignments for them score lower than average in their SATs. 

*12 Is this a friendly site?* 
Up to a point, but be aware that when you log in you are entering a jungle. Some of the natives are less friendly than others. Safe areas are patrolled by wardens armed with dart-guns to keep the usual suspects at bay (the Personal Poetry and Short Story Sharing forums are cordoned off) but anywhere else (Reading and Discussion for instance) and you are strictly on your own.

*13 Who are the ‘usual suspects’?* 
You will come across certain well-established members as you navigate these pages:

_AuntShecky_ – allegedly an American. A cross between a crusty school ma’am and a cheer-leader. She keeps us all in check but you should see her shake those pom-poms.

_Bar22do_ – gets the award for the politest poster on LitNet ever. Fond of fancy fonts and enigmatic poems.

_Biggus_ – who actually does not exist. The name refers to a group of illegal Albanian refugees working in a sweat-shop in Tunbridge Wells for the minimum wage. They write witty seasonal poems.

_blank|verse_ – seldom seen in daylight. Carnivorous. Has the ability to blend into the undergrowth – once described as the ‘king of the poetry jungle’ by David Attenborough.

_DarkMuse_ – semi-vampiric; the guardian angel of this site. Writes exquisitely but get too close and she’ll go for the jugular.

_Delta40_ – Queen of the Delta Blues – hence her name. Antipodean Artist of the Year 2010 and 2011. Once gave Barry Humphreys a black eye after he addressed her as ‘Possum’ at a fund-raising barbie.

_Haunted_ – the Princess of New York City. Read enough of her poetry and she’ll break your heart.

_Hawkman_ – ex-RAF fighter-pilot (allegedly shot down the Red Baron). Now resides in a dark and gloomy garret with two peregrine falcons and a budgerigar. Nature poetry his speciality – the voice of reason when all around are losing their heads.

_He who must not be named…_ – egotistical writer whose work is blighted by Tourette Syndrome. Allegedly earned his degree in Literature by post from the University of Palookaville.

_Hillwaker_ – don’t believe a word this guy writes. Still has all his own teeth and is likely to bite if you wander within range.

_Jack of Hearts_ – or Jack the Lad. Child prodigy – writes cutting edge material in ink distilled from a mixture of Jose Cuervo and the blood of Puerto Rican virgins.

_Jerrybaldy_ – the thinking man’s poet. A cross between Ted Hughes and Les Dawson (though with the striking good looks of neither I’m reliably informed)

_MANICHAEAN_ – a reincarnation of Graham Greene. All his writing is sponsored by Malaysia Airlines and Gordons Gin.

_MarkBastable_ – the patron saint of LitNet. _‘Bow at his feet all ye who pass this way.’_

_MystyrMystyry_ – the Wizard of Oz. Writes under the influence of Fosters and grilled shrimps. Has a landlord.

_PrinceMyshkin_ – him heap wise man. Seldom seen in the wild. The coefficient of cool, calm and collected.

_smerdyakov_ – as you might guess from the name, a boy of the broth from Ireland. Has Guinness running through his veins. Is particularly fond of words beginning with the letter ‘O’.

_Steven Hunley_ – if Hemingway had been born 50 years later he would probably have ended up playing bass guitar in the Grateful Dead and writing like this guy. Regularly binges on spinach.

_WolfLarsen_ – unfortunately we have no information to date – awaiting latest Press Release from his agent.

*14 Can I give feedback on any thread?*
Yes – all except this particular one.
This thread has been generated by an automated metafiction programme that is not programmed to answer. Do not reply to this thread.

*15 If I want to cancel my membership what do I do?*
You have obviously failed to read the small print. LitNet is actually a cult formed by L Don Rubber in the early 1950s and members are obliged to remain members for life.

H

_Any matters concerning defamation of character or libellous statements should be addressed to our Legal Department at Sodthem, Soothem & Screwthem, New Bond Street, London, UK. All calls charged at premium rate._

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## Lokasenna

Fantastic!

For half a second, I thought you might be serious - and I was getting genuinely excited about the Amazon discount...

Well, it brightened up my day, anyway!

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## Varenne Rodin

I realize I am not important enough to be a "usual suspect" and will no longer tolerate this aggression. Membership cancelled!

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## hillwalker

> I realize I am not important enough to be a "usual suspect" and will no longer tolerate this aggression. Membership cancelled!


So sorry *@Varenne*. You're one of the more exotic creatures that frequent the General Writing threads. You should consider yourself lucky you're not included in this list of miscreants.


*@Lokasenna* - who's not being serious??


H

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## Varenne Rodin

> So sorry *@Varenne*. You're one of the more exotic creatures that frequent the General Writing threads. You should consider yourself lucky you're not included in this list of miscreants.


Forgiven, you little cutie-face.  :Biggrin:

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## smerdyakov

This is brilliant! I lol-ed all the way to the end (and I hardly ever lol).  :Smile:

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## KCurtis

Excellent, it doesn't scare me a bit!!

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## Mutatis-Mutandis

There seems to be a few people missing from usual suspects--StLukes, JBI, Neely, JunpierWoolf, BeinvenuJDC, and someone else. . . . 

Great post, though.

And I think you meant Scherherzade for no. 5.  :Nod:

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## Varenne Rodin

I forgot to say I think this is great exactly as it is.  :Smile:

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## Charles Darnay

I think this is exactly what newbies need to read.

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## Darcy88

Funny stuff Hillwalker.

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## Pensive

:Biggrin: 

The Amazon discount had me tricked for a while as well.  :Tongue:

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## hillwalker

Thanks *@smerd, Darcy88 and Pensive* - some light-hearted relief was the response I was aiming for after such angst-laden vitriol recently spilt on this forum.

*@KC* - if you take the trouble to say you're not scared then that means you're petrified. Come on, admit it.

*@Mutatis-Mutandi* - Well yeh, some are missing in action (including your good self) but I was focussing on the Poetry/Short Story threads since that's *my* natural habitat. And don't tell her, but you're exactly right about *Scher*. 

*@Charles Darnay* - you don't think it would drive them away? Good. I'd hate for that to happen.

H

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## Mutatis-Mutandis

> *@Mutatis-Mutandi* - Well yeh, some are missing in action (including your good self) but I was focussing on the Poetry/Short Story threads since that's *my* natural habitat..


Ah, that puts my mind at ease, or at least my vanity.

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## AuntShecky

This is pretty good, but could use a good edit.
For instance, *#3* lacks the line: "Women who are pregnant, nursing, are thinking about getting pregnant or will have a date tonight or sometime in the future should not use LitNet, as well as men, women, children, and other unclassified human entities who exist as a result of a previous pregnancy. 

Report any unusual instances of fame, finances, or a sudden reverse in critical acclaim, as these may be symptoms of actual talent. 
Consult your physician or your attorney* if you notice any swelling in the ego.

* WOMAN: Have your lawyer call my lawyer.
WOODY ALLEN: I don't have a lawyer. Have your lawyer call my doctor.


May I please be granted special dispensation for *#7*?


And finally, *#13* -- about your thumbnail description. (I guess the closest yours truly will ever get to a blurb in _Playbill._)
Yes, je suis Americaine, but all 535 members of Congress passed an unanimous resolution making it unlawful for me to mention the fact.

As to the rest, well, let's say I wish I did have some "pom-poms" to shake, if you catch my drift.

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## MANICHAEAN

Hill

Thanks for lightening up the beginning of this year with your piece. I laughed out loud, upsetting my gin & tonic and disturbing the flight crew. You seem however to have missed out one of the more significant of the usual suspects, namely "country doc." He is in a class of his own when reviewing the threads of others. ROAR.

Mention might also be made of those, who seem to copy and post, page after page of religious doctrine with seemingly no real intent at discussion. I do however smile at the tomes of Turkish Ottoman history submitted by "mesolzhenitsy." He is not trying to convert a soul, and his video of himself playing Davids Harp would redeem him anyway.

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## Hawkman

Hi hill,

Very amusing, if not entirely acurate  :Biggrin:  With regard to my listing in your Ususal Suspects, you seem to have confused me with Dafydd Manton in your bio. My area of service was altogether more watery - lol. It was my father who was RAF, although he flew bombers. 

Like me you will have grown up in that period when the most popular enquiry in the playground was, "What did your dad do during the war?" Considering that the vast majority of schoolboys' literary intake was derrived from "Tuppeny Bloods," amongst one's contemporarys, it was perhaps unwise of me, having wearied of this enquiry, to respond that my father had been a U-boat commander, especially when living in a British port and Naval Base. The fact that I was believed, and subsequently treated as a pariah, has forever coloured my perception of the level of intelligence prevalent in the general population. 

Typically, when I told my father of this many years later, he roared his head off and was quite tickled at the thought of being described as a U-boat Ace. Interestingly, there are at least 3 U-boat commanders with similar sounding surnames, so maybe the photos of him in his RAF uniform are fakes! It might explain his predilection for Wagner....

Live and be well - H

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## hillwalker

Thanks for entering into the spirit of the piece *@Aunty* – so you really are American? (kidding)- and so what if your pom poms aren’t what they used to be. You still give good feedback.
Special dispensation for #7? Mhmm.

Let me think.

No.

*@MANI* – hope I didn’t cause too much turbulence. And my oversight of certain members was not intentional – a case of selecting those who are around most of the time and deserve some flak.
As for the doorstep religious peddlers – they’re harmless of course so don’t need any warnings posted.

*@Hawkman* – I was actually confusing you with Biggles – apologies. For some reason I assumed your knowledge of aircraft and love of all things winged came from your WWI exploits. :-)
Funnily enough when I was knee-high to a pigeon our neighbouring small-holding was occupied by a family of East German refugees who had three sons and I remember trying to beat up the youngest, Wolfgang, after arguing whose dad was the best soldier. I reckoned mine was because he won the war. Wolfie thrashed me, of course, but we became great friends.

Thanks for all your comments.

H

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## Haunted

Hill, this is a riot. I was doubled over laughing and almost rolled off the Empire State Building.

This FAQs couldn't come soon enough. I was wearing a uniform the whole time, I didn't know! Question: will we get banned for PWN? (Posting While Naked)

I confess I have had a few bouts of CPS. They released me after performing a lobotomy. So if you find me scattered brain, now you know why.

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## hillwalker

> Question: will we get banned for PWN? (Posting While Naked)


You probably need to check with the Moderators - or failing that post a few pix in your album and let's hold a poll! :Blush2: 

H

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## PoeticPassions

Quite clever, Hillwalker. If only everyone on here had a sense of humor... well, actually it wouldn't be as interesting. I like the weirdos as well, with the ultra-confusing posts.

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## Jack of Hearts

Classic. And it's only good for another six months, get it now.





J

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## mona amon

This is the funniest thing I've ever read on Litnet.  :FRlol:

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## Jack of Hearts

This version's only good for another three months!






J

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## zoolane

It absolute brilliant and very funny.

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## xtianfriborg13

Wow, thanks for this one, I'm now educated about the site.

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## Jack of Hearts

These are due for an update. Alas, our little community crumbled...






J

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## MANICHAEAN

Bliss it was Jack, that very dawn to be alive. There were some interesting characters treading the Lit Net boards in those days.
Best regards
M.

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## Steven Hunley

> Bliss it was Jack, that very dawn to be alive. There were some interesting characters treading the Lit Net boards in those days.
> Best regards
> M.


Yes, many of them are still around...like me. How can I have missed this piece? Where was my head? What was I thinking? It was the Golden Age of Litnet. So I like spinach. So what? Lottsa real he-men like me like their veggies. And I never binge. I'm bingeless. Funny stuff indeed! Well, I never!

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