# Writing > Personal Poetry >  effortless

## cacian

love
and lust
the stalk 
of rust
bares bust
one expects
gust the
other dust
the weather
forecasts
musk is pleasant
when
it conquers resin.

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## Pompey Bum

Okay, so very good. That's exactly what I meant by using more imagery. "Stalk" and "bares bust" get the point across much better than if you stopped to explain it. I think the last word needs to be resentment, though. Resent is the verb form, and you technically need a noun. Besides, resentment is a gift. It's a slant rhyme with pleasant and has an internal rhyme of its own, which would help you end on a less forced but no less musical couplet. Anyway, that is my obligatory one criticism. Nice poem.  :Smile:

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## cacian

Pompey thank you for the feedback.
I agree about the word 'resent'.
I meant to say 'resin;. It is now rectified.
Thank you again.  :Smile:

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## cacian

......

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## Shadowlight

Have you ever considered following a more fluid metered rhyme scheme? 

Not to be abrasive, but I find that this rhyme is so staccato in the way it reads that it feels like my mind is tripping over itself to decode it. This " feel" makes it hard to want to reread it extract the meaning. The stop and go nature over your method feels like running, coming to a sudden stop, running again, and then tripping scraping one's knees.

It's a shame really, because I think that many of your poems have some really interesting content, but because of the structure I can't muster the motivation to read into them. 

Sometimes it can be really hard to let go what we create, especially when our developments become exclusively our own, but sometimes that in of itself can become a vanity and not a viable offering to others. 

I'm honestly hugely curious what you could produce if you just gave a little leeway on the rythme structuring. I really think you have some strong thoughts and emotions to convey, but I think this inhibits you.

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## cacian

Shadowlight I thank you very much for taking time to read and comment.
Your constructive feedback has been very useful to me and so would take on board what you said.
It is true once one has one a style it is very difficult to let go of it.
Hence your ideas about how one can move or improve is well done. I will take on board you suggestions and
work around for future posting.
Thank you again.  :Smile:

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## Shadowlight

I will be looking forward in anticipation your next offering. SL

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## Pompey Bum

Same here. As you know, I'm a huge fan. I like SL's suggestion that you try some metrical verse at some point. I remember from the old Abba thread that you like to dance, and really, meter's not all that different. You just learn the pattern and let it happen naturally. As with dances, there a many patterns. The most natural to English, iambic pentameter, is simple to pick up but powerful in use; just as a waltz is an easy dance to learn, but it can produce glorious (or beautifully simple) things. You may want to consider it for at least some of your poems.

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## cacian

> Same here. As you know, I'm a huge fan. I like SL's suggestion that you try some metrical verse at some point. I remember from the old Abba thread that you like to dance, and really, meter's not all that different. You just learn the pattern and let it happen naturally. As with dances, there a many patterns. The most natural to English, iambic pentameter, is simple to pick up but powerful in use; just as a waltz is an easy dance to learn, but it can produce glorious (or beautifully simple) things. You may want to consider it for at least some of your poems.


Hi there Pompey and thank you for the ideas and advice. I am not very good with following forms I get a bit distracted not sure why trying to follow the meters but I should give it a shot to see what happens.
Thank you again  :Smile:

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