# Writing > Short Story Sharing >  Short Story Belonging

## pump_face

Hello, new here but would love to get my short story read and any feedback given.. This story is my practice for my Trial HSC exam so i need to perfect it because im looking for a good mark. Thanks guys


Tonight, things feel different. My stomach refuses to settle, and the storm outside doesnt show any signs of stopping. I open my eyes slowly and find comfort in the warm eyes of my mother. 
How much further? I ask.
Her reply comes slowly, and a barely audible whisper, 
Not long now darling, go back to sleep.

My mind drifts in and out of reality, images of my friends, and my home flash before my eyes. The war at home is cast out of my mind as visions of my brother and I flood through my thoughts. We were collecting flowers, Darma and I, not too far away from home. The fields we would walk through were suffocated by weeds, but this was my land and finding just one flower would brighten my day and make me forget about the terror that the rest of my people were facing. On this day my brother was feeling extra curious and we adventured on for miles. The land around us gradually turned scarred and black and a feeling of unease had begun to creep up on me. As we continued through the ghostly territory I began to see signs warning us of danger, the hazard signs burning into my mind. Darma was about twenty metres away from me when it happened. He was jogging backwards, a lopsided smile running across his face, when I suddenly spotted the metal explosive half covered in dirt. I screamed for him to turn around but it was too late. I loved my brother.

I wake up to my mother holding me tightly, my brothers last scream still pounding in my ears. These dreams has been plaguing me for months, and my family decided that leaving my home country, the place where we all grew up, was the only way to start a new life. My mother looks down at me, I can see the pain in her eyes and I know she wishes that she could steal all my memories of that day away to relieve my suffering. As I begin to drift off to sleep again I am startled awake by the sounds of muffled footsteps and low growls which seem to be coming closer. Suddenly they are upon us, yelling at me in a language I dont understand. All of this reminds me of my home where bad things happened, the horrors seem to follow me wherever I go.

Everything is grey. The walls are grey, the roof is grey and the floor is grey. This place was not built for happiness; this is not the Australia we were told about. I approach a man I met on the boat and ask him what is happening. He responds that we in are in trouble. When you come to Australia on a boat without telling anybody you are in a lot of trouble. I dont understand what I have done wrong... I am only nine years old. How could I cause so much trouble?

Its dinner time now, we are marched through the grey hallways and made to sit and eat. I dont want to eat, I want to find my mother. Looking around the big room I feel like I am on stage performing. Millions of eyes are watching me, watching this little girl move around trying to find her mother. I finally find her, in the corner sitting by herself. She tells me that we are in prison, and not allowed to leave. I am scared, prison is for bad people that do bad things, my mother and I are not bad. The men in grey walk up to us and separate us, taking me back to my room and my mother back to hers. 

After what seems like forever my mother and I are together again, eating what these people call food. She tells me that because I am a child, I will be allowed to leave this place but her, and the other family that we came with, will have to stay here for a long time. I begin to cry, where will I go? What will happen to me? The grey men dont like it when I cry; I get marched down the halls back to my room. The last thing I see is my mother with her head bowed, weeping. 

As I walk from the place with the other children, I am unsure of my future. This country was meant to bring happiness to my family, but instead it has taken the last person close to me away from me. The building is now shrinking away behind us and I take one more glance at its grey walls. Selamat tinggal keluarga... Goodbye my family.

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## Captain Pike

This was a sad portrayal of a tough life. One thing. I think a comma might help to refine the meaning of the following sentence.

When you come to Australia on a boat without telling anybody you are in a lot of trouble.

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## Alexmiotti

My mind drifts in and out of reality, images of my friends, and my home flash before my eyes.

This part and the word "visions" when talking about the brother made me think that the entire story was a flash back and it was only at the end after rereading the story did I realize that they had been on a boat in the beginning

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## Alexmiotti

But overall I enjoyed the descriptions, the entire thing played our like a movie scene in my mind's eye

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## Visual.BLooM

> Darma was about twenty *meters* away from me when it happened. 
> 
> ( A typo fixed unless you wrote it that way on purpose?)
> 
> I wake up to my mother holding me tightly, my brothers last scream still pounding in my ears. These dreams has been plaguing me for months, and my family decided that leaving my home country, the place where we all grew up, was the only way to start a new life. My mother looks down at me, I can see the pain in her eyes and I know she wishes that she could steal all my memories of that day away to relieve my suffering. As I begin to drift off to sleep again I am startled awake by the sounds of muffled footsteps and low growls which seem to be coming closer. Suddenly they are upon us, yelling at me in a language I dont understand. All of this reminds me of my home where bad things happened, the horrors seem to follow me wherever I go.


Now, this paragraph I have singled out for a specific reason: Could a child which seems to be rather innocent in nature, be able to understand how her mother might want to erase her memories and relieve her suffering? Is this maybe too much of an insight into her mother's feelings? Of course, I'm not saying that the girl wouldn't know her mother is worried about her, but this specific wording makes it feel like the daughter is more 'worldly' in her perception. While this is not wrong, it feels to me like it contrasts with the rest of the perspective. 

Well, I gave me two cents, dunno if it's helpful. Good luck!

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