# Writing > Personal Poetry >  A Short Collection of Trashy Poems

## Haunted

**comments welcome!*

*
. . . . . . . . .

Rather than littering Litnet’s poetryland with multiple threads I’ posting all my poetically unworthy poems here and add as more comes along. 

The significance of these pieces is that they are written after I joined Litnet, to which I'm thankful for being largely responsible for reviving my old hobby. 

Most of these are archived from various poetry contests here. The contests offer me a lead to home in on, it has become regular writing assignments and ones that I have come to look forward to. Please feel free to comment and criticique.

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## Haunted

*INTRODUCTION



if you must know...
I am your best nightmare*

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## BienvenuJDC

> *Introduction*
> 
> 
> 
> if you must know...
> I am your best nightmare


Tis true
Tis pity...Tis pity, Tis true

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## Haunted

> Tis true
> Tis pity...Tis pity, Tis true


er........ahhh

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## Maryd.

Nice darl... But you aren't my best nightmare. But my favourite dream. :Nod:

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## Haunted

> Nice darl... But you aren't my best nightmare. But my favourite dream.


aw thanks, I'll make sure it'll stay that way !

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## Janine

Good for you starting this thread, *Haunted.* It sounds interesting. However, I love your poems. I would never call them trashy.

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## Haunted

thanks Janine. I'm glad you enjoyed them. I'll be posting another one in a little bit...

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## Haunted

*D22 westbound*



the bus runs
every three years

no one takes it unless 
they’re out of options

the bus stop is just
a pole and a metal sign 
and a bullet hole
right through the center
where it hurts most

away from the bus stop
a black squirrel crossed
the single lane highway
unscathed

a top down convertible
obliviously chasing summer

a dirt truck slows down
and waved 

then it starts to rain cold rain
drops roll off my duffel bag
packed in a heated moment
but I’m drenched

my t-shirt wet and clingy
my tits showing through
I’m ****ing freezing 

I’m rethinking
my options

I’m looking 
for my cell



hello..........

you still want to um...
.................rent a movie?

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## PrinceMyshkin

D22 West: I was kept intrigued by the narrative and the final lines of dialogue are very poignant.

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## blank|verse

There are some great moments in this, Haunted; I enjoyed:



> a top down convertible
> obliviously chasing summer


and


> and a bullet hole
> right through the center
> where it hurts most


and the wet t-shirt part was brilliantly honest and funny. The conclusion is also nicely achieved.

On the whole, I feel your writing is too prosey and the lines don't really have any rhythm or feel to them; but they are peppered with some wonderful phrases and observations.

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## hillwalker

Loved this - echoes of last moth's 'Bus Stop' poem contest. You obviously couldn't enter that since you had set the topic and were obliged to judge the entries. But it's interesting to see there was an inspired idea or two behind the choice you set.

I agree with BV on his choice of favourite images. Slices of time deftly drawn - and I for one feel the scatter-shot style, prosaic suits the scenario.

H

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## Bar22do

I love this poem, its kind of "dry" tone (in spite of the rain!  :Smile5: ), its effective direct language devoid of "beauty" - I think I felt its depth... thanks for it - Bar

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## Maryd.

I think there's more to this than meets the eye... Hey Haunt... Baby?

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## Haunted

Thanks Prince, BV, H, Bar and Mary, I enjoy reading all of your comments!






> D22 West: I was kept intrigued by the narrative and the final lines of dialogue are very poignant.


Prince, it means a lot coming from you, thanks! 






> There are some great moments in this, Haunted; I enjoyed:
> 
> and
> and the wet t-shirt part was brilliantly honest and funny. The conclusion is also nicely achieved.
> 
> On the whole, I feel your writing is too prosey and the lines don't really have any rhythm or feel to them; but they are peppered with some wonderful phrases and observations.


BV, thanks, you're right on. These are voice poems, I keep the language simple and direct. I do pay attention to the rhythm so I'll revisit this and see what's lacking.






> Loved this - echoes of last moth's 'Bus Stop' poem contest. You obviously couldn't enter that since you had set the topic and were obliged to judge the entries. But it's interesting to see there was an inspired idea or two behind the choice you set.
> 
> I agree with BV on his choice of favourite images. Slices of time deftly drawn - and I for one feel the scatter-shot style, prosaic suits the scenario.
> 
> H


yes H, it dawned on me that I could still write it as a writing exercise. Thanks for your kind words!






> I love this poem, its kind of "dry" tone (in spite of the rain! ), its effective direct language devoid of "beauty" - I think I felt its depth... thanks for it - Bar


Bar, thanks so much! Dry tone in spite of the rain... good one!  :Biggrin: 
I don't use much poetics, embellishments get in the way of what I want to say. I keep my pieces very bare bone. 






> I think there's more to this than meets the eye... Hey Haunt... Baby?


you must be reading my mind, my twin pea!

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## Haunted

previously posted in the Picture Poetry Contest





*Victorias other secret* 



thrusted out of stone
a pair of machismo torsos
gratuitously oversees 
a very private portal

on this side of the 
weightless fabric

skin...soft curves...
a cleft most coveted...

on the other side
mounting 
anticipation

lacy silky scanty showy thingys 

do they cover as much 
as they reveal?

but for these two 
stoic voyeurs...
_you can look but you cant touch_
; )

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## Maryd.

Sounds unusually familiar. Well done lassie.

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## Haunted

thanks Marydee!

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## Haunted

*Ghost Fog*

1.

it was me 
last night

just outside 
your window

but deep inside 
your dream


2.

on the snowy bank 
trees have long dropped
their green overcoats

shadows of bare limbs 
tightly entwined


3.

what happened next
will remain in the dream


4.

why... 
the next day 
always comes at 
the wrong time


5.

dawn drifts in
loosely clad in a
lavish white sheet

feel it
...the fog

so soft yet 
so corporeal
you can wrap your 
arms around it

and thats all 
is left of 
me

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## Maryd.

Love them girlie. However I really appreciate number 3 and 4.

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## Haunted

Thanks deary!!

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## BienvenuJDC

......hello.....

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## Haunted

hi  :Smile:  Thanks for visiting my trashy thread again  :Biggrin:

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## BienvenuJDC

I love the Ghost Fog poem...

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## Haunted

I started writing this for the recent Subject Poetry thread. The subject is piles of files. But I was struggling with it. Not sure if its there yet....







*paper chase*



it looked majestic

a mighty mountain 
of black accordian files
each expands 
in hopes of fulfillment 

but theres always some things 
that get buried 

how far down in the pile 
depends on how high
the level of pain

somewhere 
in cavernous darkness
is a page from an old
New York Times magazine

its to show to my father
he would be proud

if only he had waited......


~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~


these days
things are looking
very different

fragile
.......futile
between _life goes on_ 
and _whats the point_
lies a moment of reckoning:

even a mountain 
can be brought down 
by just one word



SHRED

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## Maryd.

Oh my, my dear, you have me in tears here. Thanks.

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## Haunted

I'm so touched by what you said, Mary. Its been a very difficult piece to write, thanks for allowing me to share with you.

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## Maryd.

You are very talented my love. I take my hat of to you for being able to write such a fine piece of work.

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## Haunted

thanks again Mary, you're very kind.

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## Jerrybaldy

Hi Haunted
have just read all your poetry here and enjoyed it very much. You have a very different style to much I have read and you can count me as a fan.
cheers
JB

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## Haunted

aww Jerry, thanks so much for your vote of confidence!!! I take feedback seriously and I value every comment. Yours just made my day! Please feel free to critique my future postings, even if it's a criticism it'll still help me. Thanks again  :Smile:

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## angliholic

> *INTRODUCTION
> 
> 
> 
> if you must know...
> I am your best nightmare*



If I know you are
the best nightmare,
I'd rather dream of Angel.

If you must know ...
your worst lamb
I am.

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## Haunted

> If I know you are
> the best nightmare,
> I'd rather dream of Angel.
> 
> If you must know ...
> your worst lamb
> I am.





the Angel in your dream
is not an angel...
but you 
already know that
don't you

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## angliholic

> the Angel in your dream
> is not an angel...
> but you 
> already know that
> don't you


That makes the two of us:
As the angel in my dream 
Is not an angel
So the world is not the world
That I see in the sun!

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## Haunted

> That makes the two of us:
> As the angel in my dream 
> Is not an angel
> So the world is not the world
> That I see in the sun!





so where's 
the best place
to view the eclipse 
of the sun

your world
or mine?

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## Haunted

*Love Story*



lets do something 
different today

lets take a trip 
to September of 1948

lets dress up 
as a Hollywood couple

lets do a stunt
and scale the steepest cliff

lets pose for the camera
and kiss like theres no tomorrow

lets write our own script
of seduction, love, lust and betrayal

lets rehearse our lines
for the riveting, tear jerking last scene 

lets give me your best acting 
pretend you love me more than you love her

lets make a pact
that you will not hold me back on my way down

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## Maryd.

OMG Haunted. I love this one... I so love it. It is your best so far... Mwah my love.
(Let's make a pact - xo)

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## Haunted

thanks so much Mary! mmmwahhh dear!!!

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## Bar22do

This is very good, IMO, and poignant as it nears the end... thanks. Bar

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## dafydd manton

Hell hath no fury like a woman argued with, so I'm putting my neck on the line here, but I must take issue with you. Trashy, Indeed!!! Oh no they're not, not by a very long way. I've just read through them all, and there are some bits that are absolutely outstanding, in amongst a forest of exeedingly good. The imagery of the bus-stop sign with the bullet hole "just where it hurts most". The last line of D22. The lacy, silky, scanty, showy thingys really struck a chord (that sounds terrible, but you know what I mean!) and Ghost Fog in it's entirety. However, the jewel in the crown is Paper Chase. I've been there, and you've put it all so delicately and poignantly. Wonderful. Keep going, cariad fach!

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## hack

Another strong piece, Haunted.
If we are allowed to choose a
favorite, I adore D22. It is a fine
bit of work...peace...

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## Haunted

Bar, I value your opinion, thanks!

dafydd, how can I argue with you! Thanks! And so sorry you too had your own version of paper chase...

hack, thanks for taking the time, your kind comments are greatly appreciated!

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## Jerrybaldy

You have great imagination Haunted. Your head must be a very weird and wonderful dwelling  :Smile: 
keep them coming
JB

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## Haunted

Thanks Jerry. Mostly mush inside my head but I can be inspired, especially with a comment as encouraging as this!

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## Haunted

* forecast* 


its hypnotizing
how the red cloud 
morphs ethereally 
into a hundred 
free flowing silk threads
as the scented water 
gently blends with 
the blood

by the time it turns 
into a sunset pink
the morphine 
should kick in

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## Maryd.

Haunted your work is always quite thought provoking. Well done again chickie...

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## Jerrybaldy

Hey Haunted
Im seeing a close up shot of a syringe and the blood pouring back in, creating a bloody morphine sunset. A Haunted sunset. Your words painted it in my minds eye. In fact im having problems getting it to fade . Beautifully done, Haunted.

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## Haunted

Thanks Mary! 

Jerry, I like your line better, "bloody morphine sunset". You are good!

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## dafydd manton

Various images pop in to the mind, all of them moving! Keep it going! Oddly, it made me think of an old friend, dead now, who virtually survived on morphine, but still stayed positive, albeit a touch fiery. She was always known as The Welsh Dragon, because she was so sparky, but what a character!! Thanks.

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## Haunted

Dafy thanks for the encouragement. I'm trying to get back into writing, it's good therapy, just what I need right now.

Morphine is a double-edged sword. For the gravely ill, if given morphine they might never wake up. So use it wisely, unless one is a dragon, like your friend. My condolences.

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## Jerrybaldy

Haunted 
you have many dimensions as this whole thread shows. I like them all. No sychophancy. Just like what you write.
JB

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## Haunted

yes Jerry, I confess, I'm multiple personality  :Wink5:

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## Haunted

*penitentiary* 



the long slow deep
scratch marks
on the dilapidated wall
tell a story

on the ground
broken fingernails
lay as material witness

theres no set schedule
for torture

the anticipation 
is part of the torture

screams echo 
in the empty cell
at times its only
in the head




outside
freedom awaits
in silence

there are
no visible scars
no feelings
nothing

its a different kind
of emptiness




so many times
I wake up not knowing 
which side of the bars
Im on

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## Maryd.

You my dear Haunted... I have no idea why you call these poems Trashy. They are all exceptionally good. But this one is better. This has now become one of my favourites. I love it. It's how most people feel, but deny. Well done again chickie.

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## NikolaiI

this is really beautiful poem dearest,
i know the feeling.
but don't worry this world is illusion. the soul is real. truly  :Smile:

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## Haunted

Mary, thanks for believing in my work! The trashiness will return, I promise. 

Nik, I'd like to think that this reality is just an illusion. I'll always look to you for spiritual pureness.

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## Jerrybaldy

Well if you are on the inside, you instruct not to be rescued. And as the haunted lady, bars are no barrier. particularly like the first three stanza's.
Jerry
(reality used to be a friend of mine) (PM dawn)

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## Haunted

very observative Jerry... so, eh, what happened to your friend?

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## Jerrybaldy

ask PM dawn  :Wink:

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## Haunted

ahh I was going to ask too, what's PM dawn?

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## dafydd manton

I've got to say, Haunted, if I could write "trash" half as good as this stuff, I'd be feeling pretty pleased with myself! Keep the "trashiness" going, is all I can add!

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## Haunted

Dafy, you are too kind. There will be more trash and I hope you'll return for the next one! I edit the first post each time I add a new entry, just hover your cursor over the thread title. See you soon on the next trash day  :Wink:

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## Haunted

*overnight snow*


we werent aware
the rain changed 
over to snow 
and snow melted 
into slush

my boots squishy
socks soggy
all the while standing 
on tiptoe 
for the longest
goodbye
kiss

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## PrinceMyshkin

How gracefully this moves. Thank you.

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## dafydd manton

I may be miles off the mark, and I may be reading too much in to this, but with a combination of the poem and your avatar, I can see a fond farewell on some awful, winter railway station, then a long absence. Done a couple of those! No matter whether I'm right or wrong, it's a beautiful piece of work. Thanks for sharing it. (Trash, indeed!)

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## Haunted

I appreciated it, Prince!!

Dafy, I adore the visual you described and the storyline, why didn't I think of that! When I was writing this I was thinking of my driveway and then the scene moved to a New York City side street. The slush there is something else!




> (Trash, indeed!)


 I love it when you talk trash! Thank you for your nice comment  :Smile:

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## Maryd.

Ah my Haunted once again, you show class and style.. Keep those trashy treasures coming. Mwah.

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## Jerrybaldy

Ahh its trash day again  :Smile: 
Loved the unexpected kiss at the end. There is a whole world of pleasure in an unexpected kiss.

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## Haunted

thanks Mary, be careful what you wish for, there will be more.  :Smile: 

yes Jerry, it's trash day again! I'm so pleased that the unexpected ending worked for you, thanks!

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## BienvenuJDC

> *overnight snow*
> 
> 
> we werent aware
> the rain changed 
> over to snow 
> and snow melted 
> into slush
> 
> ...


Some things are worth every second...and they would make the most miserable conditions worth remembering...and cherishing

I wish I had it in me to write right now...

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## Haunted

Bien thanks so much for taking the time!

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## Bar22do

This goodbye kiss goes into eternity as if by the power of levitation, at odds with the law of gravity totally inadequate to bring and keep the moment down to earth.... 

Beautiful. Bar

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## Haunted

Thanks Bar! I must say that your comment is way more beautiful than the poem you were critiquing.

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## Haunted

*the little dancer*


she waited 
till everyone’s out of the house
then ran into her parents’ room
pulls out their bedsheets

within seconds
she’s in a white gown with a very long train
waltzing with Prince Charming 
the love of her life

_focus........._

she waits
for her cue
Massive Attack’s Angel

ta tata ta dat
ta tata ta dat
from the heavens she descents
in a jet black patent leather bra

she’s a sensation in slow motion
her sinuous body waves
her soft and firm tongue rolls

on hands and knees she moves
along the edge of the stage
right into their fantasies
they wait till they bust
just to feel her in the flesh
they stuff 20s in her string bikini
still they want to give her more...
every tom dick and johnny

but tonight 
the pole 
is her only lover

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## dafydd manton

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi! A lovely poem about a fall from grace. Or is it? I wouldn't like to judge the girl! Thanks, Haunted.

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## Haunted

Fall from grace indeed. Childhood dream versus reality. Thanks Dafy for your comment!!

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## PrinceMyshkin

I wonder, is that last line meant to be a double entendre? Nicely done, I appreciate the transition from her innocent play-acting as a child to the somewhat less innocent play-acting expected of her as an adult woman.

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## Haunted

You certainly can say that Prince, I opened it to interpretation. I really appreciate your feedback!

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## hillwalker

A clever piece, Haunted. And who knows what ambitions children have - as you say, dreams v reality? - great musical accompaniment as well

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## Haunted

thanks Hill, glad you enjoyed the music  :Biggrin: 
I was reflecting how simplistic the world is to a child, and how things really are when one grows up  :Frown:

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## Jerrybaldy

From angelic girl to pole dancer. I guess every pole dancer was an angelic girl but not all angelic girls become pole dancers. I would dance for a handful of twenties and I was an angelic boy once  :Wink:  
Soundtrack wise, Massive Attack are Bristol's finest, so appreciated that too  :Smile: 
Another very enjoyable trash day, lady haunted.

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## dafydd manton

Probably highlighting one great nightmare for Dads with daughters! It's a horrifying thought, I promise you.

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## Haunted

hey Dafy, I thought you weren't going to judge her  :Frown: 

Jerry the angelic boy? ROFL. I definitely would give a 20 to see you dance. 
Massive Attack is from Bristol?! What a small world!

thanks Daf and Jer for stopping in on trash day  :Wink:

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## Jerrybaldy

I'm dancing, I'm dancing

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## Haunted

oooo...here's a 20 for the dance, another 20 for you to go get some clothes afterwards...

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## Maryd.

Hey Haunted, this one blows me away girlie... Yahoo...

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## Haunted

thanks my darling  :Smile:

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## Maryd.

You my darling just keep producing such fine work... I melt everytime I read something new.

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## Haunted

now that's going to make me want to write more, mwah for the encouragement, my darling girl.

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## Jerrybaldy

Do i get 40 if I dance clothed from the start?

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## Haunted

sorry that's not going to work, you have to work for every 20 you're going to get

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## Maryd.

You tell 'im, girlie...

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## Jerrybaldy

working, working. Gyrating exposing for an extra 10 covering for an extra 20. I could be good at this..

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## Maryd.

> working, working. Gyrating exposing for an extra 10 covering for an extra 20. I could be good at this..


You crack me up Jer...  :Thumbsup:

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## Haunted

how about some undulations for variety, Jerry. Mary and I are cheering for you!

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## Jerrybaldy

Undulating for all im worth here. My undulations are the best of all undulations. You have never seen undulations of the like. No man before or since has undulated like this. Cant stop , Im undulating.

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## Haunted

don't they have indecency laws across the pond?

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## Maryd.

Clearly not... Jer is out of control...

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## Jerrybaldy

oh no. we are the true land of the free. As long as you dont upset a minority, (majorities are fine) and as long as you dont smoke within a mile of a nonsmoker since your silly nonsmoking rules crossed the pond. Oh how I laughed some years ago at the report of a bar in california where smokers opened the windows and leant out to smoke. We will all live so long soon with our many methods that the world will smell badly of piss as we all wet ourselves in our lovely extended life's.  :Biggrin:

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## Haunted

I'll have to bring over some Depends next time I cross the pond. For now keep undulating...

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## Haunted

*comments welcome!*

new:
*the little dancer*



*A Short Collection of Trashy Poems*

Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION 
D22 westbound
Victoria’s other secret 
ghost fog
paper chase
love story
forcast
penitentiary
overnight snow
the little dancer

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## dafydd manton

H, I promise you I'll read through them all, once I've got the nauseating picture of Jerry dancing out of my mind.......polished pate reflecting light off the pole, woolly socks with holes in, that egg-stained tie. Good grief, somebody give him some money to put his overcoat on!

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## Haunted

LOL 
I'll hold you to your promise, Dafy  :Smile:

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## dafydd manton

Joe Reliable, that's me! (Ugh!)

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## Haunted

Joe Reliable is good! I don't care for Uncle Unreliable....

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## Haunted

I've been struggling with this poem. It started out in minimalist style but I felt I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say. It's autobiographical so I want to get this one right. Here's a rewrite of a rewrite http://www.online-literature.com/for...ad.php?t=55044 Please chime in and tell me what you think!!




*his green eyes*


they were never
this green 
or this tranced

emeralds 
as clear and dear 
as his love 
flawless 
wholesome

then 
why 

hes so distant
as though he didnt see me

I searched inside
those unfamiliar
iridescent pupils

so undeniably 
dilated

yet

here I am 
so in denial

so 
bro
ken
up

.
.
.
.
.
.

his vet 
says

their 
eyes 

never 
close 
right

when 
they 
d
i
e




~for Apricot~

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## dafydd manton

Oh Haunted. What a touching, lovely poem. I really felt for you, when I read it. Superb.

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## Maryd.

Oh, as a cat lover, I empathise with you, with this poem... You made me feel what you are feeling with the broken wording... Very clever effect

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## Haunted

Thanks so much Dafy, your comment is heartfelt.

Mary, my cat lover friend, love you dear!

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## Jerrybaldy

Haunted
I remember the original well and thought it was marvelous as it was. Nothing wrong with a bit of tinkering though, lost one.

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## Bar22do

> I've been struggling with this poem. It started out in minimalist style but I felt I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say. It's autobiographical so I want to get this one right. Here's a rewrite of a rewrite http://www.online-literature.com/for...ad.php?t=55044 Please chime in and tell me what you think!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *his green eyes*
> 
> 
> they were never
> ...


haunted, this precious piece fills me with anguish... my cat is over 15... but - your poem is a masterpiece in form and an infinity at heart! 

Thank you. 

Bar

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## Haunted

aww Bar, your comment touched me. Wish you all the best with your kitty, dear.

Jerry, you have such good memory, thanks for giving both of them a read!

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## Haunted

just updating the TOC...removing an unpostworthy poem from the list....

please comment, criticize, rant away, etc. If you feel the need to trash a trashy poem, go ahead, I can take the abuse  :Biggrin: 



*A Short Collection of Trashy Poems*

Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION 
D22 westbound
Victoria’s other secret 
ghost fog
paper chase
love story
forcast
penitentiary
overnight snow
the little dancer
his green eyes

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## Haunted

*September 2nd*


another 
month

another 
anniversary

today i will be
with my baby 

he 
died
seven months ago
on the 2nd

please 
don’t look 
for me 
today

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## dafydd manton

Haunted, you have this amazing ability to turn even the most hardened cynic to tears. I'm pretty sure than most of us would just like to give you a big hug, and try to make you feel better. Much love
Dave

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## Jerrybaldy

This must be about green eyes... 
love to you haunted, 
Jerry

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## Haunted

awww Dave, you're such a sweetheart <3

Jerry knows, this is indeed about green eyes...thanks my dear x

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## dafydd manton

I just feel for zou. I know the pain of loss of a loved pet.

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## NikolaiI

It's lovely though it is so sad, and it reminds us that life is so fragile and so valuable. It's a really good poem because it is a perfect expression of the feeling. And it's so sweet to make a day for remembering him.

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## Haunted

Thanks Nik. I know you would be one to agree that connectedness doesn't end with death. 

yes Daf, 2 and counting...

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## Maryd.

Sorry I missed this Haunted... My thoughts are with you. Mwah

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## BienvenuJDC

That is a very special poem...it was marvelous...
Maybe cats that are in heaven are able to read?

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## Haunted

Mary, so kind. mwah.

Bien, my cats read even when they were in this world, they pore over things I'm reading at the moment, books, junk mail, maps (especially maps). And they can speed read. They get done with their reading awfully quick, then without moving off their reading material they start taking a nap. I don't like to think that they went to heaven, sounds so far. They're just in a different dimension. I still hear/see them occasionally. Nik knows  :Smile:

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## NikolaiI

Yes, Haunted, you know my beliefs on it.  :Smile:

----------


## hack

You catch them in the corner of your eye, at the very edge of your vision.
Your eye knows that they should be there, and it sees them, long after
they are gone. I feel your loss Haunted, I am sorry...peace...

----------


## Haunted

Hack, your words touched my heart. I do, I really do..... *tears*

----------


## Haunted

*A Short Collection of Trashy Poems*

 introduction
 D22 westbound
 Victoria’s other secret
 ghost fog
 paper chase
 love story
 forcast
 penitentiary
 overnight snow
 the little dancer
 his green eyes
 September 2nd
existence
dinner date
don't take my baby
car talk
Google Earth
dead on

----------


## Haunted

This is previously posted as a contest entry, otherwise known as recycled trash. 




*existence*


i am a globe
of zapping blue lights
in the expanse of space
looking foward to when
the electromagnetic shell
bursts and blasts every
living atom in this orb
into magnificent
oblivion

----------


## hillwalker

A lovely blue bauble of creativity.

----------


## Maryd.

Oh dear Haunted, I love this one. Mwah.
Love the use of the colour as well. Nice one
xoxo

----------


## dafydd manton

Very imaginative, like Mary, I loved the use of colour, and the shape. Nic one.

----------


## Haunted

thanks guys, but I love Hill's winning entry more  :Smile:

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

> This is previously posted as a contest entry, otherwise known as recycled trash. 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *existence*
> 
> i am a globe
> of zapping blue lights
> ...


*I tried--Lord knows how
I tried--to square the
circle, using the same
amount of space as in 
your clever orb, but,
look: I came close, but 
couldnt do it. So, now
shamefully, I concede.*

----------


## hillwalker

Thanks for the nudge in the ribs *Haunted* - I hadn't noticed judging was over!

Yours still stands out as a work of beauty.

H

----------


## Jerrybaldy

A beautiful bauble (nods at Hill) that you should write anew at christmas and I will cut it out and hang on the tree.
Now wheres that bath poem .....
jerry

----------


## Haunted

oohh the bath poem, forgot again. I'll get on it. I"ll do a Christmas version if I remember...



Hill, didn't mean to spoil the surprise! Yours is the finest, most elegant minimalist poetry of the round. To steal some of the limelight if I may, I'm giving myself the Best Color Award  :Wink5: 



Prince....may I?

(sorry I had to sacrifice the opening repetition...)


*Lord knows how hard
I tried— to square the
circle, using the same
amount of space as in 
your clever "orb" but,
look: I came close but 
couldn’t do it. So, now
shamefully, I concede.*


 :Biggrin:

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

> Prince....may I?
> 
> (sorry I had to sacrifice the opening repetition...)
> 
> 
> *Lord knows how hard
> I tried to square the
> circle, using the same
> amount of space as in 
> ...


Oh, but you did a better job than I did at creating a square, although I think it now lack the exact number of pixels as in your original.

----------


## Haunted

> Oh, but you did a better job than I did at creating a square, although I think it now lack the exact number of pixels as in your original.


I didn't even notice that  :Frown: . 
Maybe they're just out to lunch. I'll do a roll call after 2pm.

----------


## dafydd manton

Nothing worse than a missing pixel, or a gnome. especially a square one!

----------


## Maryd.

Looks pretty good to me.
xo

----------


## Haunted

xo xxoo

----------


## Haunted

*A Short Collection of Trashy Poems*

 introduction
 D22 westbound
 Victoria’s other secret
 ghost fog
 paper chase
 love story
 forcast
 penitentiary
 overnight snow
 the little dancer
 his green eyes
 September 2nd
existence
dinner date
don't take my baby
car talk
Google Earth
dead on
postmarked 1948
My name is Jane

----------


## dafydd manton

Every one a gem that we may have read before, but worth visiting once again. Superb!

----------


## Haunted

have a new one, just can't decide whether to post here or as a separate thread....

----------


## dafydd manton

Separate thread - make it stand out!!!!

----------


## Haunted

did it!!! bathing beauty

----------


## Haunted

I just feel like posting an old mediocre poem...please trash away!




*dinner date*


1.

when our eyes 
met for the first time
they locked like the 
strongest deadbolt

we went to a movie
and left before 
it was over


2.

hair flows down 
your eyelids flutter
my hand......almost touching
instantly your lips part
you hungry...


3.

we had the
longest dinner 
ever


4.

your eyes queried:
would there be seconds

I glanced back:
what does your gut say


5.

just as in an old movie 
I wrote on a matchbook
then I left Room 1105
the door locked itself behind me

----------


## zoolane

> I just feel like posting an old mediocre poem...please trash away!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *dinner date*
> 
> 
> 1.
> ...




I love the poem it love tale about maybe couple relight passion but end verse it sort to 1 night stand.  :Hurray:

----------


## Haunted

thanks so much zoo! I was lamenting just how transient relationship can be.

----------


## Delta40

I like the halting flow of these short poems - the lingering look, time slowed then speeded up. her number on a book of matches.....well done with the desired effect

----------


## hillwalker

I like the 'locks' theme that starts with the deadbolt in v1 and ends with the door finally slamming itself shut in v5.

There's a lot left unsaid - a lot of gaps the reader is invited to fill in. Subtle, enigmatic. Like a film noir.

----------


## dafydd manton

The only person I know that can write in Monochrome. The scene as the hotel door shuts is heart-wrenching.... As Hill said, film noir, the saddest, grainy, flickering...

----------


## Haunted

Thanks Delta, glad you like the changing rhythm. 

Hill, thanks for the nice comment! It's amazing you mentioned the locks, I almost dropped the last line but then I remember the reason it was there was because it encapsulates a rather special encounter. 

Daf, how did you know, I'm monochromatic in many ways. I felt sad myself writing the end, but I'm not good at making things last.

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

I especially liked #4 with the double entendre on "seconds" but think
will there be seconds
should be _would there be seconds_

----------


## Haunted

thanks so much Prince, I changed it!

----------


## Jerrybaldy

I too liked stanza four in particular. The double entendre pointed out by Prince followed by the further double meaning of 'what does your gut tell you?' I couldnt find the outcome in the final stanza, but then I guess mystery was your goal  :Smile:

----------


## Haunted

Thanks Jerry, I had fun writing S4, being that I'm not good at all with dialogues. This is one of those "stories" that let you write your own ending. I guess it would be nice for the relationship to develop but when I was writing it, those words just wrote themselves. Not much surprise though coming from the queen of gloom and doom.  :Wink:

----------


## Haunted

*dont take my baby*


its new years eve
there's an end to everything

outside 
storm has moved out
just soft feathery residual flakes

inside 
the blizzard is tear blinding

_can I hold her_
he nods

(even with the blanket shes ice cold)

_another hug_
he nods

(she was once a big girl)

_its the holidays
I know you want to get home but
please
one last time_
he nods

(she's just a baby)

caringly he took 
her tiny emaciated body
her gray tabby tail 
that ends in a black tip
hangs down like 
an exclamation mark




~for Skippy~

----------


## Maryd.

Hey darl... I feel you. I know how I felt when I lost my Brandy (Australian Terrier). Feel for your dear.
xo

----------


## Haunted

Thanks Mary...and sorry about Brandy XO

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Hi haunted
You do so love your cats. Seeing as you mention new years eve I am hoping this is not a new loss. I particularly like your imagery in 'outside 
storm has moved out
just soft feathery residual flakes' 
Good to read some new haunted material, as always
jerry

----------


## hillwalker

This was very touching, Haunted. Not the kind of poem one associates with New Year's Eve - and you make the loss seem so visceral that no one who reads this can fail to feel some emotional blip on their radar.

H

----------


## Haunted

Jerry, this one is two years ago. Skippy left a year before Apricot ("green eyes").

Thanks Hill for the comment. Yeah, those New Year's eve party days are so over for me.

----------


## Delta40

> *dont take my baby*
> 
> 
> its new years eve
> there's an end to everything
> 
> outside 
> storm has moved out
> just soft feathery residual flakes
> ...


The last stanza is particularly heart breaking Haunted.

----------


## Haunted

Thank you Delta.

----------


## DieterM

I was very touched by that poem. As my dog is currently very sick, it made me relive all those horrible moments I've passed these last days.

Just one thing, in the last stanza, "caringly he took / her tiny emaciated body", shouldn't that rather read "caringly he takes..."? I ask because the rest of the poem is written in present tense... Best to you from another animal lover.

----------


## NikolaiI

It's a lovely poem but a sad thought. It's nice to think of the happiness you must have had with her.

----------


## Haunted

Dieter I'm sorry to hear your dog isn't well and I just hope this poem is more of a catharsis than an unpleasant experience for you. 

As for switching to past tense in the last stanza, that is intentional. I usually use present tense for narratives but the last stanza is more than that, it's an emotional event that cannot be undone or unfelt. It just feels right that it's in past tense as something that already happened in the past and the action is irreversible.

Thanks Nik. She was aloof but in her final days we became very close and I will forever cherish those moments.

----------


## Haunted

*A Short Collection of Trashy Poems*

 introduction
 D22 westbound
 Victoria’s other secret
 paper chase
 love story
 forcast
 penitentiary
 overnight snow
 the little dancer
 his green eyes
 September 2nd
existence
dinner date
don't take my baby
car talk
Google Earth
dead on
postmarked 1948
My name is Jane
all I ever want for Christmas
hazardous driving
fashionably speaking

----------


## Haunted

*car talk*


if you think I’m sweet
so is antifreeze

if you take me out for a drive 
consider yourself warned: 
I have no brakes

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

> *car talk*
> 
> 
> if you think Im sweet
> so is antifreeze
> 
> if you take me out for a drive 
> consider yourself warned: 
> I have no brakes


Fine, so long as he or she doesn't reach for the clutch!

Enigmatic but amusing poem.

----------


## Maryd.

Who needs breaks?
This one is not like your others. Very ineteresting my dear.
xo

----------


## Haunted

thanks Mary, I thought it would be nice to take a vacation from the death and destruction themes for something entertaining. But I promise, macabre will be back....




> Fine, so long as he or she doesn't reach for the clutch!
> 
> Enigmatic but amusing poem.


Thanks for your comment Prince. No worries, she only drives automatic. And aren't women as a whole an enigmatic species?

----------


## Delta40

I like the comparison to anti-freeze. I thought the other line said 'Consider yourself warmed' so it was nice to be thrown off balance.

----------


## Haunted

Thanks Delta, pleased that it threw you off balance with my attempt at a tough talking love poem.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

You once commented, in your self depreciating way, that all your poems are similar, so it is good, yet again, to see you prove yourself wrong  :Smile:  A car/woman analogy is an original thought and you made your woman dangerous to know, so therefore instantly attractive to all us silly men, who love the very idea of no brakes. 
cheers
JerryB

----------


## Haunted

Dangerous is good in the haunted world. So glad you like it Jerry.

----------


## Haunted

*Google Earth 
*



between the Atlantic
and the Pacific

+

between Blue Ridge Mountains 
and the Rockies

+

between thick groves
and desert dunes

+

between Interstate 540 
and County 83 

+

between a curvy driveway
and an odd shaped pond

+

between open french doors
and a puckered headboard

+

between your arms
and your voice

+

between a gasp
and a long sigh

+

there lies the heartland
where I long to be

----------


## Maryd.

One can dream I suppose.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Your last post before this poem seeked danger, this one seeks comfort love and warmth. It is where all thrill seekers seceretly long to be and you expressed it beautifully. I hope you find it in the most unexpected of places.

----------


## Delta40

Oh I love Google Earth. The broad concept right down to the precise location of where you wish to be Haunted. How wonderful! I fear I miss your poems on this thread and I am sorry if I do!

----------


## Haunted

Thanks Mary, dreams are yet the best place to be.

Very perceptive, Jerry. I do like to mix things up.

Delta, so glad you discovered it finally, thanks for your lovely comment!

----------


## Delta40

I'm going to try and copy this one day!

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

Oh! This just got better and better as we zoomed right in! I could practically see the pair of jeans that you had carelessly let fall to the floor before you got into bed!

----------


## Haunted

LOL Delta, I"ll trade for one of yours

Thanks Prince  :Smile:

----------


## hillwalker

Haunted - you know already how much I loved this one of yours. A masterpiece.

H

----------


## Hawkman

I really enjoyed Car Talk which, though light and jaunty, has bite. Google Earth too is a sound poem but I'm not crazy about the little grave markers between the strophes  :Biggrin: 

Live and be well. H

----------


## Haunted

Hill, I'm so relieved, I was afraid you might change your mind. Thanks again!

Hawk, so glad you liked Car Talk. I left out the catalytic converter...I'll save it for Car Talk the Sequel. Grave markers? I kinda like that, LOL. Thanks so much for your comments  :Smile:

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

> *Love Story*
> 
> 
> 
> lets do something 
> different today
> 
> lets take a trip 
> to September of 1948
> ...


Thanks to JerryBaldly I went back and looked for this, which I had missed before. The seeming spontaneity of it, the sense that every breath in it comes from a living, feeling soul is very, very moving, but

I must say I want to, I do, resist the despondency of that last line. True, I was somewhat prepared for it by

lets give me your best acting 
pretend you love me more than you love her
but it came more harshly than - in my naivete? - I was prepared for. Nevertheless, it all hangs together so well!

----------


## Haunted

Prince, by harsh you mean the glorifying of suffering / an effed-up ending? I take it as a compliment.  :Wink: 

oh, it also sounds like I got myself an official promoter of this poem, right Jerry?  :Biggrin:

----------


## Delta40

oh I adore the story concept of Love Story! you executed this particularly well as I was lulled into the facade of real romance only to find otherwise.

----------


## Haunted

Thanks Delta for the comment, you made my night!

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

> Prince, by harsh you mean the glorifying of suffering / an effed-up ending? I take it as a compliment. 
> 
> oh, it also sounds like I got myself an official promoter of this poem, right Jerry?


I didn't feel that you were glorifying suffering but that the ending reflected a harsher or more despondent view of the situation than the poem had prepared me for. We had just that one revelation of what the pretending might be intended to cover up - her lover prefers someone other than her - and _splat_!

Word on the street is that Jerry is not only gaga for this poem but that he's a fan of your others as well.

----------


## qimissung

Love "Google Earth," Haunted. You're very good at a seemingly breezy style, then you end with a kicker, either shocking or sweet.

----------


## kittypaws

I am so glad your poem was "quoted" cuz I was not here when it was written and Haunted...it is a stunner! Not so much in the ending, as it seems to me romances especially those of that era always had a tragic ending. 

The year 1948 was a leap year and it just so happened that on 29 September 1948 Laurence Olivier's Hamlet opened in the United States. 

Yes you are Haunted in an extraordinary way!

Kittypaws

----------


## Haunted

Not to worry Prince, it's a soft splat  :Tongue: 

Qim, thanks for gracing the thread with your comment, it means a ton.

Wow Kittypaws, you know some neat trivia! Thanks too for the kind comments.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

'Love story' is finding a new life. That makes me  :Smile:

----------


## Haunted

Must be the magic of 1948  :Wink:

----------


## Haunted

*dead on*



last I saw mom
in the morgue 
her eyes were shut 
she doesn’t want to see 
the man she married 
ever again


when my father passed
his eyes were open
still trying to figure out
where it all went wrong


growing up
a psychic saw me and said 
kid your eyes...they don't match
your mom and dad
fight all the time, yes?

----------


## Delta40

creepy!
I love the meaning you attach to closed eyes and open eyes in death and the implication of your own outlook being skewed both ways. Well done Haunted.

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

The reference to each of the parents' eyes is extraordinary and powerful but would you consider ending just before these lines:

your parents dont
get along


its true
eyes don't lie
which feel anti-climactic and explanatory to me.

Powerful poem!

----------


## hillwalker

I have to agree with Prince. I loved this poem when you entered it in the '_eyes don't lie_' comp but now you are free to remove the quote..... if you want to, of course.

H

----------


## Haunted

Delta, it creeped you out? ohhh. Welcome to my world. 
Thanks for the nice comment, much appreciated. 

Prince, yes I knew I overwrite, but that's so unlike me... but I do need "don't get along", that's the crux of the poem.

Hill you're right, thanks! I was debating whether to end after "don't get along", that's the stinger, what comes after that is commentary. I'll chop it down now.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Hi Haunted.
This was a revisit for me as I must have read it when it was part of the competition that Hill mentioned. 
Your mum's eyes, your father's eyes, your eyes. Closed opened and mismatched. Clever stuff. 
I see you have changed the end and wondered if 'fight' should be 'fought' as they are deceased. But then again the last stanza could be before they died...  :Smile: 

Eyes still open trying to figure out where it all want wrong is truely memorable, Haunted, great stuff. 
cheers
Jerry

----------


## Haunted

Good point Jerry, I overlooked the timeline which seemed confusing. I reworked it slightly. 





> *dead on*
> 
> 
> 
> last I saw mom
> in the morgue 
> her eyes were shut 
> she doesnt want to see 
> the man she married 
> ...

----------


## Haunted

*A Short Collection of Trashy Poems*

 introduction
 D22 westbound
 Victoria’s other secret
 paper chase
 love story
 forcast
 overnight snow
 the little dancer
 his green eyes
 September 2nd
existence
dinner date
don't take my baby
car talk
Google Earth
dead on
My name is Jane
all I ever want for Christmas
hazardous driving
fashionably speaking
of cat and men (a Christmas poem)
the anesthesiologist

----------


## Haunted

*postmarked 1948*



he says it’s sacred 
so they must...must keep it 
their sweet little secret 

whenever she misses him
she lays down on a bed of letters
this is where he is 
when he is not here

as soon as her eyes close
she can feel the steel tip
his love infused fountain pen
pushing hard and harder
into the exquisite stationery
leaving one unmistakable 
pregnant chad

afterwards she swoons over 
every trace of saliva he left 
on the linen envelopes 
each sealed with a lie

----------


## Jerrybaldy

A poem truely worthy of its post marked date haunted. The bittersweetness and then the hit of the final line and the third stanza particularly, are soaked in the class of your own fountain pen. I had to look up 'chad'. To then come up with a pregnant chad, well all respect to you haunted. 
Brilliant
Jerry

----------


## hillwalker

Loved this for the imagery of her swooning on a bed of letters - and the final line when the reader sees the desperation of her situation even if she does not. And it's written so elegantly.....

H

----------


## Maryd.

Sounds all too familiar Haunted... Nice one.

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

That repeated "must" in line 2 does wonders to prepare one for the revelation at the end of her awareness that he has been lying - all along. The "exquisite" stationary and the linen envelope are very effective details.

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunted. I like this poem, it's very efective.

"whenever she misses him
she lays on a bed of letters
this is where he is 
when he is not here"

However, lays, should be lies. Now I can see why you would not want to use lies, as the punchline of the poem is lie, so you could say, "She lays herself [down] on a bed of letters" The down is optional.

Best, H

----------


## Haunted

You must read minds Hawk, I was debating with myself, lie or lay, lay or lie.... I abhorred at the thought of having to use "lie" because of my lifelong hatred to repeat the same word twice in a poem, and also exactly as you said, it might take from the punchline. I would sacrifice everything for a knockout punchline...my house, my integrity, even grammar!

Thanks Jerry, your comment is so eloquent, did you write it with an old fountain pen? Hail to 1948! And those hanging chads, pregnant chads, they came right out of American politics. The fact that it works so well, I have all those stupid politicians to thank.

Hill, thanks for the comment. And yes, everyone knew except her, or maybe she just didn't care....

Thanks Mary. The way you said it...sigh.

Thank you Prince! After the linen envelopes I did try a line with 20% cotton paper but decided not to push it, it may look forced.

----------


## Hawkman

The best solution would be to say, "she reclines on a bed of letters"
 :Biggrin:

----------


## Haunted

Hawk, I totally forgot to make the change you suggested. I really like "lays herself down"...the optional "down" actually adds just the right pitch. But I opted to drop "herself", just want to keep it minimalist. 





> Hi Haunted. I like this poem, it's very efective.
> 
> However, lays, should be lies. Now I can see why you would not want to use lies, as the punchline of the poem is lie, so you could say, "She lays herself [down] on a bed of letters" The down is optional.
> 
> Best, H

----------


## hack

Wonderful Haunted.
...peace...

----------


## Haunted

I appreciated it Hack!

----------


## Haunted

I first wrote this to complete a Trilogy. I kept it short and sweet (maybe not) as a wrap up. But what I had in mind is more involved and certainly beyond the trilogy. Is this better as a standalone, or should I stick with the trilogy?





*my name is Jane*


water is my birth sign
I had no desire to
come back to land 

the waves pull and push
my vintage lipstick red gown
until the layers of chiffon
open up all around me
like a rose in the ocean

he should recognize me 
on the ten o’clock news

I feel a pair of eyes 
gaze into mine
hopeless for answers

my white knight
gently picks off 
my long dark matted hair
from my mouth

he notes the saline content 
in my water filled lungs
most definitely from the sea
but it could also be tears 

before he leaves the
temperature controlled room
he apologetically tags my toe
Jane Doe

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

Except for the change of tense in 

he noted the saline content
this is definitely the superior version of this poem. I'm not sure it fits in the Trilogy now but it's strong as a stand-alone.

----------


## Haunted

I fixed the tense, thanks Prince.

I feel better with this expanded version too. I didn't include in the trilogy more details because they wouldn't fit. This has a story of its own. So down with the trilogy, I'll get a wrecking ball....

----------


## zoolane

> I first wrote this to complete a Trilogy. I kept it short and sweet (maybe not) as a wrap up. But what I had in mind is more involved and certainly beyond the trilogy. Is this better as a standalone, or should I stick with the trilogy?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *my name is Jane and...*
> 
> 
> ...


I like this poem lot, it remind of recent peice I wrote 'The Slab' in short story about boy but was bit blunt.
Haunted your is one of 'Jane Doe' one place she will ever be. 
Favourite lines are. 2 verse and last one.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Excellent haunted.
I am still re-reading looking for clues - is your knight white as he is dressed in white jacket in a morgue?
The second stanza is a thing of beauty with our heroine drowning? in a visually stunning manner.
It stands alone and I will now have to fight myself for 'Jane' verus 'love story'. 
well done haunted
Jerry

----------


## Jerrybaldy

The salt on my blistered lips
crackles on the stem of my pipe.
My sou'wester glows by a sudden moon
briefly free from thunderclouds. 

Beneath a flapping throng of gulls
I see a woman like a taffeta rose
disappearing, reappearing
in angry whisps of spray.

I spin the wheel around.
I know her by any other name 
and I would never hold her back
as she is on her way down.

----------


## Haunted

Thanks zoo, I have to check out "The Slab". 

Jerry you got that right, the coroner wearing a white coat. I tried white coated knight /the knight in the white coat...but none of them worked so I went back to white knight. 





> *Jane*
> 
> The salt on my blistered lips
> crackles on the stem of my pipe.
> My sou'wester glows by a sudden moon
> briefly free from thunderclouds. 
> 
> Beneath a flapping throng of gulls
> I see a woman like a taffeta rose
> ...


I got goosebumps...This would be how she wanted to be found, if not rescued by a seasoned sailor, perhaps a captain, with blistered lips smoking a pipe. What vivid portrayal, it's got so much personality in just two lines. Love the imagery in S2. Had to look up taffeta. Beautiful choice of word and visual. It ends just the way it should. Thanks for remembering her wish in Love Story.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Wouldnt want such a poetic death to go by unobserved

----------


## Haunted

You did it justice, ah, you did right by Jane...

----------


## Jerrybaldy

I know I bang on about this like some chuntering old git  :Wink:  but, this is such a good poem and I think it would get a bigger audience as a single thread. 

Your poem completely inspired me.

----------


## Haunted

*never mind*

----------


## Jerrybaldy

New thread haunted, It is too good not to

----------


## Haunted

*all I ever want for Christmas*


(if I cant have you)

an advent candle night light
with infinite little fizzing bubbles
inside its delicate glass shell
to offer hours of obsessive gazing
magical nostalgic hypnotic 
watch as they rise to heaven 
how they cajole a myriad gold flakes 
into a glittery dance extravaganza
effervescing enough to make me forget
the dark walls that are closing in
while I try to escape the question of
how will I ever be able to love again

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

Of course one is tempted by the last line to wonder if the subtext of the poem is not so much the birth of Christ but His resurrection.

----------


## Maryd.

Haunted, love to see you delving into the subject of the moment. You certainly have Christmans in your own perspective. The Christmas farce has arrived

----------


## BienvenuJDC

The true "spirit" of Christmas...

----------


## hillwalker

This is a tragic sigh of regret (an entire sentence in one poem) which is almost hypnotic in the way it drags the reader into the vortex of the narrator's obssession with what she longs for but cannot have - made more menacing by being dressed up in Christmas baubles and bangles.

I'm not sure you need to include the first parenthesised sentence - unless the poem is directed at the '*you*' and no one else..... which I tend to think not.

You obviously had your sad shoes on when you wrote this.

H

----------


## Haunted

Thanks all for your comments!


*Prince*, very very interesting, I love that subtext interpretation, it wasn't intended though. 


*Mary*, Christmas is certainly on my mind, thanks for the uplifting comment!


*Bien*, I'm afraid that what you saw as the _true "spirit" of Christmas_ is only superficial. It's also an irony. The Christmas ornament is really a distraction from the cruel reality of loss. 


*Hill*, you amaze me every time with your bullseye interpretation. We must have the same wavelength, I actually used the word "vortex" in one of the earlier versions!!! And yes, you caught that too, I wrote this in one long sentence. Not sure why though, it just flowed out that way. I used "you" for two reasons. One is to reference the song All I Ever Want For Christmas Is You, so it doesn't look like I stole that line, it's intentionally not being original. Secondly I also want it to be personal and to speak directly to "you". As always thanks for your comment!!

----------


## Haunted

*hazardous driving*


I can’t see 
where I’m going
the windshield is
a sheet of ice

even after the ice 
been cleared
I still don’t know 
where to go

I don’t bother with
clearing the back window
because I stopped using
the rear view mirror

it's too hard to 
look back

----------


## Delta40

I like the hidden message in hazardous driving Haunted

----------


## Haunted

thank you Delta!

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

I admire the way you sustained the metaphor of driving a car, and the economy of this in general.

----------


## hillwalker

Brief but effective - driving along the road to nowhere.....


H

----------


## Maryd.

Ah you cheeky, you! Isn't it great when such a short piece can tell such a big tale. Well done again my friend.  :Smile:

----------


## Haunted

Prince, Hill, Mary, as always I appreciated your comments!

----------


## Jerrybaldy

That sounds a far better christmas than having him, haunted, as he will let you down, screw you over and leave your neck on a railway line. Before you know where you are you will be driving like a woman possessed. 

John reckons Jane deserves more . 
x

----------


## blank|verse

Well restrained and effective, *Haunted*. The ending opens the poem out nicely and works well.

I might suggest adding a full stop or other punctuation mark after 'mirror' in the last stanza to make the reader pause before the last line is delivered. And should line 6 start: _has_ been cleared?

Otherwise, a concise, well-written piece.

----------


## Haunted

*Jerry*, what makes you think that I'm not already driving like a woman possessed?

btw welcome back. John has spoken and Jane is pleased.

*b/v*, thanks for your comment, it does look like some punctuation or separation is necessary after "mirror". I'm not big on punctuation so I broke it off into it's own stanza. As for "has been cleared", it's too wordy for my ears, and "ice's been cleared" looks and sounds ugly with the apostrophe. So I'm just going to leave as is. (That also happens to be how some of us talk on this side of the pond.)

----------


## Jerrybaldy

I am sure you only ever drive possessed with no wipers no matter the weather and a screwdriver on the dashboard...

----------


## qimissung

I love your zingers at the end! Well done, good and faithful poet.  :Smile:

----------


## Haunted

*Jerry*, about the screwdriver on the dashboard, you just gave me an idea for a poem. I hope I still remember to write it after the screwdriver wears off.


*Qim*, I live and breath zingers, so glad you enjoyed them!

----------


## Haunted

*A Short Collection of Trashy Poems*

 introduction
 D22 westbound
 Victoria’s other secret
 paper chase
 love story
 forcast
 overnight snow
 the little dancer
 his green eyes
 September 2nd
existence
dinner date
don't take my baby
car talk
Google Earth
dead on
postmarked 1948
My name is Jane
all I ever want for Christmas
hazardous driving
of cat and men (a Christmas poem)
the anesthesiologist
Adam's apple pie
honesty

----------


## Haunted

*fashionably speaking*


I feel safe going out 
with my Steve Madden

combat boots are necessities 
’cos everyday could be war

but tonight looking sideways 
at two emptied wine glasses
I’m just gonna pull them off
dangle my feet over the side 
of the posh lip shaped sofa
and call for a truce

----------


## Maryd.

I have to admit I had to look up who/what Steve Madden is... 
Another fine one girl... You keep all these good poems up... I may have to move to America to be with my favourite poet.  :Smile:

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

I love the narrative casualness of this and especially the kind of impromptu last four lines.

----------


## hillwalker

I love the sly theme of '_combat_' that kicks off the piece and also neatly concludes it - is love not a battle fought between the sheets?

There's so much eroticism within the phrase *posh lip shaped sofa* given the context.

And to surrender so meekly after some vino! You're obviously a cheap date.

H :-)

----------


## Haunted

*Mary*, I'm going to crank up the poem machine, book your flight now! 

*Prince*, thanks. Yeah, formal somehow just doesn't go with Steve Madden. 

*Hill*, say it isn't so! It's $300 a bottle...okay, $75, but still! Once again, your interpretation is right on the money  :Smile:

----------


## firefangled

This is a worthwhile collection to tune into. Glad I did. You have an economical way of creating drama, great images (a little reminiscent of PaperLeaves) and arresting turns into the personal.

I'm definately a fan.

----------


## hoope

hi Haunted .. 

Nice poem .. i love it  :Smile:  

Lovely collections you go !

----------


## blank|verse

The syntax in the first two stanzas, with break awkward and noun article-less ('are necessity') make this as clumpy as those combat boots, which is either a nicely achieved use of form reflecting content, or an example of what is called the 'mimetic fallacy' (eg. that a poem about boredom should itself be boring).

But it's an effective use of synecdoche, the hard-*** boots representing the narrator's defensiveness. And the final metaphor is a brilliant touch. Nice work, *Haunted*.

----------


## Haunted

*firefangled* I'm blown away with your totally amazing comment, thank you so much!

*Hoope* so glad you enjoyed it : )

*b|v*, I gave 'are necessity' some thought but in the end decided to drop the article because it slows down the flow and really doesn't add any meaning to the line. On reading your comment I changed it to plural so it can go without an article. If it sounds clumpy it's not intended. I don't see how else I would change the line breaks so I'll leave it as of now. Thanks for your time, I appreciated your comment!

----------


## Hawkman

I have a bit of a problem with the transition form L2 -L3, but apart from that it's a cracking little poem, Haunted.

Best, H

----------


## Haunted

thanks *Hawk*, I'm get cracking on the next one

----------


## Bar22do

A well penned, effective and original take in this, Haunted. 
The "posh lip shaped sofa", as well as the last L are really great. 
The two lines in the middle render so well the usual feeling of threat from which N decides to rest in S3.

Like B/V I noticed your nice use of synecdoche.

Best from Bar

----------


## Haunted

*Bar* Thanks so much, the "posh lip shaped sofa" welcomes you and your comment. Cheers!

----------


## Jerrybaldy

I too had to google steve madden and he wasnt what I thought he would be. I love your 48 but so many of your poems are in the 20's in my head with all the class given to that decade and deserving of a screwdiver drinking, screwed up, loved, member of this brown painted room.

----------


## Haunted

Jerry, it's so uncanny that you mentioned the 20s because that's exactly what I have in mind for a poem incubating in my head. I see that you officially moved to 1948. I'll get you a screwdriver.

----------


## Haunted

*of cat and men*


in the old world brick fireplace
red tongues hungrily consume 
the bitter drafts that sweep
across the family room floor 

on the warmed fringe throw rug
a cat and a dog in a world of two
eyes closed in hearty content
as they listen for every crackle 
from the homely fire

the calico molds herself 
into the side of the basset hound
her man, her rock

below the cherry colored calligraphy
I imagined scripting my own
_us, winter 2010_

but then you don’t care for 
Christmas cards
and I never reached 
for the pen

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

I don't think you really mean _under_ the calligraphy? That short 3rd verse is especially moving, and the last verse is very sad (though I think "from anyone" is superfluous information, unless you mean it as a hint that the "basset" has something of an anti-social condition in general).

----------


## hillwalker

One imagines the writer identifying herself with the calico cat - and her estranged other half has perhaps been replaced by the bassett hound.

The decision not to write the Christmas card after all - realizing the sentiments would be wasted - is particularly touching.

H

----------


## Bar22do

You always touch deeply, especially when pets are involved... "Us, winter 2010" sounds quite self-sufficient, I think! Happy Christmas and new year... (this is not a card, and I hope you do care  :Smile5: ) Bar

----------


## Haunted

*Bar*, yes I care!! Thank you so much!

*Prince*, by "calligraphy" I mean the printed calligraphed greeting card copy. I rephrased it, hope it's clearer now. The "basset" isn't anti-social (your reference managed to extract a chuckle from me despite the prevailing sadness). "From anyone" is to say that the "cat" is just anyone to him and not someone special, whether it's really the case or only self-perceived. I added that as an afterthought, it was not in the original version. I'm going with your comment and have taken it out.

*Hill*, estranged indeed. How did you know? Your psychic abilities is amazing. It's one of those "based on a true story" story, sigh. No dog replacement. She already has a "guy" cat that shares some characteristics with a dog, namely drinking from the toilet.

----------


## hillwalker

My psychic abilities are purely down to your skill as a writer in conveying the context... and for a moment there I thought you were inferring the cat shares the toilet-drinking habits of the estranged one! :-)

H

----------


## Haunted

no no, just the caninish feline!! :=D

----------


## Maryd.

You character. Took me a moment or two, to work out the cat and dog thing. But I married it all up and came to the conclusion that you are an excellent poet. I often wonder why though, that you call this a thread a trashy thread. Your work never ceases to amaze me. This one being my favourite - well for a while, or until you create another amazing one.  :Smile:

----------


## Haunted

In this case I hope that one man's trash is another man's treasure. You're a doll for saying that, Mary.

----------


## firefangled

Haunted, this was done so well. You know the secret of less is more in that ending.

----------


## Haunted

Fire, thanks so much, I enjoy reading your comments as always!

----------


## Haunted

*New Year's Eve at Times Square*


the countdown has begun:
the first day of the year
would be her last

she is the centerpiece
a sultry nude frozen in
a sculptured block of irony

of all the millionnaires
and filthy rich heirs 
at the high society A list party
her heart beats only 
for the penniless porter

_at the stroke of midnight
he would sweep her up
and they would walk down 
the aspalt aisle of Broadway 
attended by a million guests_

after the ball dropped
so did a tear
and then another
and another
_they were supposed to
live happily ever after_
she weeps all night
she’s losing her head...

on new year’s day
the porter mechanically 
reaches for a floor mop 
and proceeds toward a pool 
of melted ice

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

she is the centerpiece
a sultry nude frozen in
a sculptured block of irony
is especially fine, given that one half imagines the word "ivory" that would have been the ideal, romanticized preference here. And throughout this, there's a sort of hands-off approach that keeps the piece from becoming mawkish.

----------


## hillwalker

This is so, so subtle - almost a reversal of the Pygmalion myth. 

Bravo madame

H

----------


## Haunted

*Prince* I don't want them to think ivory. It's an ice sculpture and I want to show the fragility of life and the transience of love. I'm wondering now if I should change "sculptured block of irony" to "an icy block of irony". But "frozen" and "icy" seems redundant and I would be repeating ice again in the last line...hmm

*Hill*, I didn't see that at first, how interesting. Happy endings would be good sometime. I should try it. Thank you sir :=)

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

> *Prince* I don't want them to think ivory. It's an ice sculpture and I want to show the fragility of life and the transience of love. I'm wondering now if I should change "sculptured block of irony" to "an icy block of irony". But "frozen" and "icy" seems redundant and I would be repeating ice again in the last line...hmm


No, the fleeting thought of "ivory" only intensifies your use of "irony," which works here extremely well!

----------


## Bar22do

Tough while so delicate, well mastered and penned. Thank you Haunted, Bar - a very happy New Year to you again!

----------


## Haunted

*Prince*, I'm relieved, thanks!

*Bar*, it's always so nice to read your comments. Have a wonderful New Year yourself!!

----------


## Maryd.

Ha, yes the irony... All melted in tears of chill.
xo

----------


## Haunted

thanks Mary, love the way you put it. xoxo

----------


## Haunted

*the anesthesiologist*


I took all my clothes off
shoved them out of sight
in the painfully heavy bag
reached for the sad looking gown
with unfairly short ties 
opening to the back

walking out I wonder
if my tush is showing

I have no insurance
no next of kin
he said it don’t matter
where I’m going

he promised there won’t be pain 
and with an assuring hand
he pried my bag from me

I press my cold cheek on 
the back of that hand 
I feel a slight tickling from
the small golden hairs
I turn until my lips touch
the warm padded skin 
then I take my time kissing it

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

This has got to be one of your best poems - and also, of course, one of your most morbid. I *hate* the ending but exactly in the way you mean me to hate it.

You need to make the switch from past to present more gracefully than you do here, before the final stanza.

----------


## Delta40

wow what an anethesist! I like the description of the hospital gowns but I have to say, I got the impression that where you were going, you weren't coming back as if you were kissing the hand of a merciful God...

----------


## hillwalker

Loved it - haunting and nightmarish, yet also reassuring.
The way we always surrender meekly to people in white coats whenever we need their mercies.

I can't say more - you really created a gem here

H

----------


## Maryd.

For a momment there, I thought I was going under.... You tease - you -...
xo

----------


## Haunted

Thanks Prince, Delta, Hill and Mary!

*Prince*, thanks for the thumbs up. I agree, I had trouble with the tenses from the getgo. Any suggestions?

*Delta*, you're right 100% ; ) 

An l-word from *Hill*, can't ask for more. 

*Mary*, always enjoy reading your comments!

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

> *Prince*, thanks for the thumbs up. I agree, I had trouble with the tenses from the getgo. Any suggestions?


You could narrate it in the present tense all the way through. Why not? But if you have objections to that, any of the following are places where a switch from past to present would be less obtrusive:

walking out I wonder...
The switch would work here because of the shift from simply carrying out an action, to the self-consciousness of the line that immediately follows.

Or you could do it here:

I have no insurance
no next of kin
he said it dont matter
where the anxiety of being uninsured comes to the surface, in which case "he said it don't matter" should become _he says it doesn't matter_ and off you go for the rest of the poem

----------


## Haunted

I'll go with "wonder", that's what it was originally but because I seldom write in past tense I thought everything should be past tense before the last stanza. Thanks Prince!

----------


## firefangled

I agree, Haunted, one of your best. The intimacy is harrowing.

----------


## Haunted

*Fire*, thanks for your kind words!

----------


## Bar22do

Wow haunted! It's overwhelming. Sensitive, close, distant, sad, impossible... and an exquisite poem indeed. Best of all for the new year, Bar

----------


## Haunted

*Bar*, I appreciated that! You too, best wishes for a wonderful new year.

----------


## Haunted

*Adams apple pie*


you smell delish
would it be too forward
if I finger taste you

its not Old Spice you need
its me

with a single head toss
I could drop enough star dust
to spice up your world

in return Id like a satiable 
piece of the pie
and I meant your net worth

you can find me on Facebook
my name is Cinnamon

----------


## Bar22do

A delightful poem! haunted. Delicious pie! sweet idea, smiling writing!  :Smile5: 

best from Bar!

----------


## firefangled

What a tease, this Cinnamon character! A very loaded poem it seems to me. I couldn't help thinking a tad bit biblical (probably incorrectly so), while at the end recognizing this fully contemporary material girl.

Great poem, Haunted!

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

Hey, Cinnamon, what a spicey young woman you are - and how delightful is your voice!

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Bar* your comment is even more delightful!

*Fire*, yeep, it's all about the money  :Wink5: 

*Prince* you are tooooo kind...!

----------


## qimissung

I was thinking a little biblical, too! Adorable, in any event!

By the way, I, too, love your previous poem. That's a keeper, short and stunning.

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Qim*, that means so much!

yes there is a bit of biblical suggestion but its only tinny tinny, mostly the reference is profane. It's a double entendre, Adam -- apple -- Adam's apple, anatomically speaking. Hence, Old Spice for the Adam's apple, and cinnamon spice for the apple pie. : )

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Hi Haunted
can you quit being so damn prolific... now I am miles behind  :Smile:  I loved the anesthesioligist and adams apple. They were both mysterious to me and very well written. They also both had a different feel to most of your work as though you have swerved off onto a diversion. 

The padded skin at the end of the former made me think of your cats, but that may be way off and your doubloe entendres of the latter were a delight. Way to go New Yoik .
Jerry

----------


## blank|verse

> would it be too forward
> if I finger taste you


Not quite sure how to read that bit, but yes, it does sound rather 'too forward'...

A cheeky little poem nonetheless.

----------


## Maryd.

Oh yes cinnamon very cheeky indeed... with a tinge of apple. A little cheekiness with a lot to say. Clever girl.

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *b|v* and *Mary*, hope it was fun for you, a cheeky apple poem a day keeps the nosy neighbor away...

*Jer*, long time no see. Thrilled to hear you're loving the anesthesioligist and adams, that's a double A rating for New Yoik, yay. Interesting take on the padded paws, but no cats here. I just love a nice soft hand, not the veiny ones. Makes the going a pleasure trip. 

Sorry *Prince*, I can just sense you getting totally morbid out now.

----------


## Janine

*Haunted,* well constructed and clever poem. I like it very much. Interesting use of metaphor and precise words to invoke suggestion. Now this one seems to be based very much on 'imagery', even though 'concept' is still very obvious.

----------


## Haunted

Janine, really glad you like it. You're right, I'm not big on imagery. It's one of my weak points. But your comment is reassuring. Thanks!

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Hiding my veiny hands here  :Biggrin:

----------


## Haunted

hands with big blue veins
now in a poem that tries to rhyme
I say Jerry is just as vain
his blue blood going to his head 
Baldy he might be but not in vain

 :CoolgleamA:

----------


## Haunted

*A Short Collection of Trashy Poems*

 introduction
 D22 westbound
 love story
 overnight snow
 his green eyes
 September 2nd
existence
dinner date
don't take my baby
car talk
Google Earth
dead on
My name is Jane
hazardous driving
of cat and men (a Christmas poem)
the anesthesiologist
Adam's apple pie
honesty
the real me
the fire
Sense and Sensuality
800 days of winter

----------


## Haunted

*0*


thanks I’m just fine
yes I got disconnected
no I don’t know the number
no I don’t know the name
ummm actually...
I wasn’t callin’ anyone
I have no one...
did you know you can 
implode in a void...
now there’s an echo 
can you fix that
that low drawn out wailin’
wailin’ wailin’ wailin’
before you do that operator
can you please 
reconnect me

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

Ouch! This has the ring (and the sting!) of reality....

----------


## Delta40

what a beautiful lonely poem! so effective with lack of number and name. An echo, a void and endless wailing! Very moving Haunted. 

I think 'quickly' detracts for the sense of emptiness and disconnection of the poem and would consider removing it.

----------


## Haunted

*Prince*, thanks for your comment, so cleverly playing back on the poem.

*Delta*, I wondered about that, it's really not necessary, I just stuck it in, er, quickly. It's now taken out at your suggestion. Thanks for the pointer and kind words.

----------


## Maryd.

Hmm, this one almost sounds familiar, but not. To be connected is a good thing. But sometimes it's not all that... 

Another excellent piece of reality.

Well done my dear.

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Mary*. Speaking from experience perhaps?

----------


## Maryd.

hmmm. Don't even go there.

----------


## DieterM

Hmmm, this sounded familiar from the Minimalist Poetry Contest. Good idea to post it in your thread, as we all can now comment. I think with your editing, it has gained in power and looks even more minimalist to me, which makes it all the more poignant. And it rings a bell in my head, a sad bell from the past... Thank you for posting...

----------


## hillwalker

I liked this - not sure whether the subscriber is actually speaking to the operator (do they really still have telephone operators in the US?) or to herself and the '*wailing*' of the dialling tone.

H

----------


## qimissung

Pithy and dark night of the soulish...reminds me of that old song by Jim Croce. A good'un as usual, Haunted.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Lonely.

----------


## firefangled

I like the element of confusion in this. It suits this tale of desperate loneliness

----------


## Haunted

I hear ya, *Mary*, sigh.

*Dieter*, I recycle trash  :Wink5:  It's great to know that you find the rewrite better.

*Hill*, amazingly (some) phone companies haven't totally abandoned us yet, they still have operators on their land lines. Also most businesses do if you survive the endless loop of menus. I usually just press 0 randomly and if I'm lucky I get an operator. But yeah, it's an internal dialogue in many ways. I didn't even realize the dial tone resembles wailing, you are brilliant :=D

*Qim*, I know Jim Croce's voice but not familiar with his music. Do you know the name of the song? Thanks for your comment as always.

*Jerry*, lonely indeed. Thanks for the read. 

*Fire*, so glad it works for you. I value your comments. Thanks!

----------


## Haunted

*Night & Day*


that's us
we NEVER see 
eye to eye

all except 
that one moment
every day

when we meet
each other
halfway 


face to face


nose to nose


until we fuse 
into one climactic
flushed Sunset

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

Love the spareness of this, the absence of pushiness in it!

----------


## hillwalker

Cryptic but filled with so much promise.

I just wonder whether the "*will*" in L7 is essential to the message in this poem - if not you might consider removing it to smooth the final few lines' gentle flow to its conclusion 

(or possibly making it "*we'll*").

H

----------


## Haunted

*Hill*, I agree "will" gets in the way and I removed it. 
If it's cryptic it's because it's not written all that well and I just revised it. I wanted to write about the magical daytime and nighttime border on the globe as the earth turns (Day > Sunset < Night). At the same time I want to draw a parallel that people (couple) who are opposites of each other can meet each other halfwayperhaps. 

*Prince*, I hope I didn't muck it up too badly and spoil the spareness.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

I too read it as cryptic at first when the light was blinding. Exposed in the dawn looking in all the wrong places. x

----------


## yuka

a brief and meaningful piece

I love the title, the last 3lines. end with forceful

well-done. haunted

----------


## hillwalker

ooooops - wrong thread!

----------


## yuka

> ooooops - wrong thread!



Haha, I am wondering , how, did you do that?

----------


## hillwalker

> Haha, I am wondering , how, did you do that?


Trying to post a new poem in someone else's thread!!! and trying to do two things at once.

H

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Yuka* for your kind words!

*Jerry*, that cryptic word again. I guess not everyone shares my meteorological obsession and the concept that sunset is when day and night get together is a bit lame. Sigh.

*Hill*, you left your flippers here  :Biggrin:  I'll go down to the Water after I'm done with the half dozen clams on the half shells.

----------


## Haunted

*honesty*


there are days 
I doubt you 
and I love you less

if you were hurt
I dont owe
any apologies

I would walk away
take the next Amtrak 
and wake up in a new state

_truth is
_
seeing your eyes again
in the morning 
is the only reason 
to open mine

----------


## Delta40

honesty. what a sad truth! so dependent and yet able to exile oneself emotionally if need be as a matter of survival. Is this the essential difference between honesty and truth? whatever it is, you've captured something thought provoking in your poetic net Haunted.

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

I'm not sure whether you mean us to read these as two separate poems or as two phases of the one relationship? Somehow the difference between them is too extreme for the 2nd interpretation... and there's something that doesn't quite work for me in the second stanza of the first half. Surely there ought to be a "you" after _I don't owe_?

And how economical each of the two halves is.

----------


## Haunted

*Delta*, you see so much more deeply than I felt capable with my words. There's certainly a sense of codependency happening here. I had to choose between "self exile" and "sanity", both a technique in survival. Thank you for your insight, you made the poem seem worthy.

----------


## Maryd.

Hey Haunted I may be looking at this one differently. But I feel it could either mean two things. The end of one relationship and the start of a new one. Or, what the reader is trying to portray, is mixed emotions of the relationship he/she is in at the time. Anyway whatever the message, you've manage to do it again. Keep us on our toes.  :Smile: 
Well done my friend.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

read it as it is the honesty of expressing feeling and the underlying truth that sometimes the all you can do is go on loving. simple understated and poetic.
J x

----------


## Haunted

*Prince, Mary,* thanks for your comments. It's one relationship, one poem. It speaks of the many feelings in a relationship that conflict with each other, just as you surmised Mary. In that respect I guess it may appear to be separate poems. 

Thank you *Jerry*!

----------


## hillwalker

I sense the narrator is torn between facing the truth and giving in to her heart :wanting to cut all ties when acknowledging the flaws in this relationship, yet unable to let go due to the overwhelming love she still feels for him.

And it's neatly encapsulated here.

H

----------


## Haunted

*Hill*, you just sized it all up. Should I even be surprised coming from you? : )

*Prince*, I forgot to put in "you" in S2 but then it seems cleaner and universal in a sense. So I decided to leave it out.

*Jerry*, I re-read your comment, it's so eloquent like I don't deserve it. Thanks again  :Biggrin:

----------


## Haunted

*the real me*


I am the knock 
on their door
they ignore

I am the voice 
on their phone
they hang up on

I am somebody
@something.com
they delete

I am a 100 pixels
by 73 pixels avatar
nothing more.

----------


## Delta40

Oh Haunted. I hope you don't actually feel this way!

Secondly as a poem you use the sounds of existence and the technology of existence to your advantage to diminish the real you. Very effective and it hits home to me straight away.

----------


## zoolane

Sound of 1 st stanza tried to avoid someone at the front, the rest of it remind me of have photo taken but really does not want to have taken.

Sorry just re reading the poem. I also hope you don't feel that way to. You have home and family here. xxxxxxx

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

God, this is surely close to the bleakest of the poems you've written & posted - but your confidence in handling this very terse form just grows and grows!

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Zoo* and *Prince*.

*Delta*, true that, from real life to cyberspace. sigh.

----------


## hillwalker

I missed this because it was buried in the basement of the previous towerblock - but having retreated one page there you were. And as bleak and regretful as this reads - at least it got noticed, so your efforts were worthwhile. As are the efforts of reading your poetry.

H

----------


## Jerrybaldy

You are HAUNTED. Screw them all . But you know that  :Biggrin:  x

----------


## Haunted

*Hill*, thanks for hauling it out of the basement, hope it was worthwhile for you too.

yes *Jerry*, with a driver  :Biggrin:  Cheers

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Your value is splashed all over the recent history of this classless society of ne'er do wells  :Biggrin:

----------


## Haunted

translation please (too much screwdriver in my noodle)

----------


## DieterM

Haunted, it's maybe because I feel somewhat weak and shaken at the moment (after a ghastly ex re-contacted me some days ago – a two-hour-phone-conversation too gruesome for words) but 'honesty' hit me in a tender spot, almost made my eyes water. You painted with so little and simple words a whole world in which I recognize so much of myself that it nearly hurts. When I was living with my ex (it lasted 13 years), I had that tendency to give up who and what I was for my Significant Other. I felt that 'seeing your eyes again/in the morning/is the only reason/to open mine'. When it was over (the creep had a sideway affair going on for months before I discovered it and left), I suppose you can imagine the pain, the feel of loss, the world crumbling down. I find all of these in your precious lines.
'The real me' is excellent, too; yet it appeals more to my head, less to my feelings ('honesty' was like an emotional hit with a hammer on my head!).

----------


## Haunted

*Dieter*, I'm touched by what you said and how much you relate to "honesty", means a lot to me. xo

----------


## AuntShecky

#345 is one of your better pieces. I say this because unless there is explicit evidence to the contrary, I try never to confuse the "I" of the poem, the speaker, with
its author. This piece works because it is expressed artfully (each stanza or "strophe) begins with the same phrase, "I am," it depicts an individual against the inroads of an extremely superficial, technological society, but most of all it's effective because rather than an amorphous, overly "personal" journal entry, it is actually "about" something specific. 

All this gobbledy-gook above ^ is just to say that you've done a good job with this particular poem.

----------


## Haunted

*Aunt*, it's a pleasure to read your thoughtful gobbledy-gook. I walk a fine line between fiction and autobiography. But in this last one it really is me.  :Frown:

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunted, Sorry, been neglecting you a bit. Really liked your last two offerings but have a couple of suggestions to run by you.

In *Honesty* I would recommend dropping the last line of S3. By doing this you'd leave the statement open and give state a double meaning. It would also even the stanzas out so that they are all three lines. For this reason I'd also tweak the last one. try:

"To see your eyes every moring
is the only reason 
I open mine"

Lastly I'd drop the italics on truth is.

*The Real Me*

The only thing I'd suggest here is changing the indefinate article to the definate in the first two strophes. Economical and effective poem.

Best, H

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, so glad you are back and with a bagful of suggestions no less! I'm guilty of the same but never for a lack of interest in reading the poetry here.

In *honesty* it is supposed to be a double meaning, so I dropped the last line as you said. I'm holding on to the word "again" in the last stanza, it implies a bit of codependency and for that reason I'm also leaving the bold/ital emphasis for "truth is"

In *the real me* you are absolutely right about the article. 

thanks so much!

----------


## Haunted

*A Short Collection of Trashy Poems*

 introduction
 D22 westbound
 love story
 overnight snow
 the little dancer
 his green eyes
 September 2nd
existence
dinner date
don't take my baby
car talk
Google Earth
dead on
postmarked 1948
My name is Jane
fashionably speaking
of cat and men (a Christmas poem)
the anesthesiologist
Adam's apple pie
honesty
the real me
800 days of winter

----------


## Haunted

*the fire*


it took more than 1,500 degrees
but less than 10 minutes to reduce 
11.5 pounds of pink flesh 
and spotted orange fur
into 2.3 ounces 
of ashes


last night just as
I was feeling all burnt out
he walked gingerly
over my tummy to the pillow
I was so damn scared to open my eyes
if I did he would simply vanish



_~for Apricot_

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

Oh God! Each part of this is heartbreaking on its own and almost unbearable read in sequence!

----------


## Delta40

What a painful yet eloquent poem Haunted that makes your loss so apparent. I can still hear my dog Barkie coming up the hallway at night.

----------


## Haunted

ah *Prince*, your comment touched me, thanks so much for reading. 

*Delta*, I really think they stay close to us still, thanks for sharing your story of loss. The next day (this afternoon) Tiger was poking at the kitty steps which Apricot used to get on the bed. Tiger looked under it and even knocked it over. But somehow it straightened itself, and Tiger sniffed the floor next to it and looked to the other side of the room. Then he went up to Apricot's nest, about to go in but changed his mind, as though it was occupied.

----------


## Delta40

awww!

----------


## Haunted

*Sense and Sensuality*


what is it about the scent 
of a brand new book
that makes me want you more

is it the novelty 
or the sense of exclusivity

or is it the feeling of entitlement 
to everything inbetween
your covers and the glossy jacket 
which I can remove anytime
without permission

how each page rises at
the whim of my fingertip 
wetted with my tongue
and lets me dog-ear the parts
I would return to
like a kitten back to her toy

side by side
top bottom bottom top
we will be spending
considerable time together
you'll see, I'm a terribly slow 
and meticulous reader

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

Oh, this is freaking beautiful! Not that I would isolate them from the rest of this, but the line-breaks are so witty!

I picked up the hint of sexual double entendre at the end but couldn't read it back to the beginning of the poem despite the title...

----------


## Jerrybaldy

More than anybody else, your writing has changed out of all recognition (in a good way, before you throw a screwdriver at me). I get the impression you now craft each one in a way I never do, but hope to one day. 

The days of puctuation police nitpicking seem to have subsided for now, thankfully as your poem shows. Excuse the pun but it's all between the lines dear haunted. 

JerrystillhereB

----------


## Haunted

*Prince*, thanks so much for your wonderful comment and support. 
I didn't get what you meant by not being able to read back to the title. Was I wrong then that I thought it completes itself in a full circle?

*JerrygladyourestillhereB*, make sure you are and visit often!! 
I didn't notice any changes in my writing, the same ole trashy poetry, except that this one is not about my dead pets. Anyhoo your writing is always consistently amazing to this humble writer.

----------


## YesNo

Your poem, Sense and Sensuality, made me feel like I'm missing something by reading on the computer. Perhaps sitting in a chair with a keyboard and monitor is the new missionary position.  :Smile: 

Nice job. The sensuality was well conveyed.

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

> *Prince*,
> I didn't get what you meant by not being able to read back to the title.


No, I meant that I looked back to see if I could find previous suggestions that this might be about a love affair as well as about reading but didn't find them - although, going back over the poem now, I do.

----------


## Bar22do

I like the J Austen's allusion plus feel pretty much the same about the intimacy with books I read (and own)! With a bit of effort but I managed to read it in "a wheel" way! Your inventiveness and subjects you pick up are praiseworthy!! Best from Bar

----------


## Haunted

*YesNo*, very funny, whatever works for you. Thanks for your comment.


*Prince*, you are good!!! My original version has an extra line to introduce the relationship, then I decided to lose it to avoid redundancy. 

what is it about the scent 
of a brand new book

I thought this is enough, maybe not. I have revised it with the extra line. 


*Bar*, you read my thoughts. Thanks for your kind words.

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

> *Prince*, you are good!!! My original version has an extra line to introduce the relationship, then I decided to lose it to avoid redundancy. 
> 
> what is it about the scent 
> of a brand new book
> 
> I thought this is enough, maybe not. I have revised it with the extra line.


What if that last line read

you see, I am a slow
but attentive reader
?

----------


## Delta40

I like Prince's suggestion for the last line or:

you see, I like to take my time when I read

----------


## Haunted

Thanks Prince and Delta for weighing in! 
Delta, believe it or not, your line was in my early drafts! but I'll go with Prince's version, it's more economical.

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunted, I love this poem with its sensual appreciation of the physical presensce of books. I reminds me a little of the opening to "Perigore", and unfinished short story of mine in the Short Story thread. You can keep your kimbles or kindles or whatever they are called. Give me paper and past-board and the feel of a book in the hand, the smell of the ink and the crackle of the pages as you turn them. Pure magic, as is your poem.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, I was away for a little bit and couldn't wait to say thanks as I always look forward to your comments. I love your descriptions. I should also add how the spine bends as pages are turned. It just goes on and on. I have to check out Perigore.  :Smile:

----------


## Haunted

*900 days of winter*


day one 
is a balmy September afternoon
but thirty thousand feet up 
flying against the jet stream
it is subfreezing all the way
to the ICU


day 3
the death of a second parent
feels no different than
having a five dollar ice pick 
aiming straight for
the ventricular chamber
the body retracts into 
its original fetal position


between day 382 to 899
three more instances of
sharp force trauma to the heart


day 900
life exsanguinates
on a field of red snow


day 901
Happy Hour and baseball
and summer tv reruns
all is well in the world
just a few less people

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

Oh, this is a devastating poem! And accomplished without one drop (a far as I could tell) of self-pity! So strong!

----------


## Delta40

I think devastating is the word. Every line is like some painful blow. I actually thought of the twin towers disaster in the first two verses.

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Prince* and *Delta*. You have come to be my moral support in my darkest poetic hours.

----------


## blank|verse

This is a rather discomforting poem, *Haunted*, that works well in suggesting some terrible loss, without being overly emotional.
 
The number '800' is clearly significant to the narrator, although the reader isn't told specifically why; but I don't think that matters a great deal, the suggestion is strong enough.

The poem is controlled emotionally by the use of medical or scientific diction: 'subfreezing', ICU', 'exsanguinates', 'ventricular chamber', and the diary-entry form, both of which gives the narrator a certain cold detachment from the reality of the poem's content.

At times, I felt the diction weakened the poem a touch - being threatened with an ice pick in the 'ventricular chamber' for me doesn't carry the same visceral fear as saying 'skull' or 'stomach' would.

But it's an inventive, compelling poem, and you've used form much to the advantage of the content.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

I have to ask what happened to day 4 to day 381? It definitely starts on 9/11 and 800 days on must take us to about 2004? Or just the winters... I give up haunted, I will buy you a screwdiver if you explain x

----------


## Haunted

*b/v*, *Jerry*, thanks for your kind words. Glad that you asked me about the years/numbers, shows that you are almost as obsessed with numbers as I am! It should have been something like 1,200 days, but I couldn't have any commas (punctuation) in my poems if I can help it, so I made that 800. But it should have been 900 for it to be a summer day, but my math is off. 

Anyway 800 is a good number to look at. Sideways 8 is infinity, and squishing 00 together you get another infinity. But I should change it back to 900.

I wish I could write more passionately with words like stomach and heart without becoming overly sentimental. In the end I went with clinical words to avoid a pitiful tone. 

4 to day 381 were spent anticipating day 382 and thereafter. It actually starts in 2007 when the sh t hit the fan.

*screwdrivers*

----------


## Haunted

[deleted]

----------


## deryk

I think sometimes the height and durability of a wall will express what is on the other side. Fantastic illustrations of condensation and displacement. Very stoic. Almost tragic in the original sense, maybe even heroic in that regard.

----------


## Haunted

deryk, welcome to the forum. It's a really nice comment but I'm confused, it refers to which poem?

----------


## Bar22do

It was such a good poem, why did you take it down, haunted!!!!!....  :Bawling: 
Bar...

----------


## deryk

> deryk, welcome to the forum. It's a really nice comment but I'm confused, it refers to which poem?


Ah, sorry. The last one in the sequence. 900 days of winter

----------


## Haunted

*deryk*, I'm relieved you were referring to 900 days of winter and not the one I deleted. There are autobio elements in it so your kind words touched me, thanks again




> It was such a good poem, why did you take it down, haunted!!!!!.... 
> Bar...


aw *Bar* you are so sweet. I deleted it almost immediately and hoping no one saw it. In read back it was all over the map, there are two poems in it, and the whole thing is so depressing I couldn't stand it. I should know better not to post anything while I'm sick, it clearly shows my diminished creative/critical judgement. On the other hand, it was a personal poem and your comment is deeply appreciated

That said, I'm writing a fun one, I hope it works... stay tuned

----------


## Bar22do

> *Bar* you are so sweet. I deleted it almost immediately and hoping no one saw it. In read back it was all over the map, there are two poems in it, and the whole thing is so depressing I couldn't stand it. I should know better not to post anything while I'm sick, it clearly shows my diminished creative/critical judgement. On the other hand, it was a personal poem and your comment is deeply appreciated
> 
> That said, I'm writing a fun one, I hope it works... stay tuned


All that is right, but it still was a heartfelt, well written poem, and your judgment too hard... anyway, let's forget about it since it's your wish; and it looks as though you've recovered! (since a fun poem is on the way!
Best regards from me!

----------


## Haunted

*exit strategy*


I dont feel dressed unless
my toe nails are colored 
in high gloss funeral black

when my feet sink 
into the ghost white carpet
they look like ten onyx beads
fallen from a broken rosary

Ill sidestep your charade
my misgivings Ill leave
on my side of the bed

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

Verse 2 is a killer! The imagery is so strong. 

And in the final line of the last verse the reference to "my side of the bed" looks innocuous at first reading but is very potent.

----------


## Bar22do

Here it's again, thanks, and it's even better!!! (not because less pessimistic...) kudos indeed! the ghost white carpet with its ten beads is such a powerful image. 
Best, ar

----------


## firefangled

Add me to the list on this last one. Wow! Short like a pocket knife.

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Prince*, *Bar* and *Fire*.

*Bar*, this poem wouldn't be here again without your earlier feedback which I appreciated very much. So you did see the very first version, argh. Yes, less pessimistic, I didn't feel it needs all that garbage in the end. 

*Fire*, your pocket knife simile blew me away. We were so on the same page. There were 3 extra lines but I decided to lose them, they belong as another poem. Had I kept them, the poem would read as follows:




> exit strategy
> 
> 
> I don’t feel dressed unless
> my toe nails are colored 
> in high gloss funeral black
> 
> when my feet sink 
> into the ghost white carpet
> ...

----------


## Bar22do

Ah, ah, and if you only could decide to change your avatar as well... (follows a deep sigh, not a behest!)

----------


## Haunted

You mean a less haunting avatar? Not going to happen my dear Bar  :Wink:

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Oh Haunted. Masterpiece of memorable images. You were right to lose those last three lines the lily needed no more gilding. I loved it.

----------


## Haunted

so glad you agree as well. *clang*

----------


## Jerrybaldy

*clang* and kudos to you dear haunted

----------


## Haunted

*those three words*


so I have this idea for a poem...

yet versions after versions went into the proverbial waste basket. I failed terribly. 

then I got to thinking...why dont YOU write it?

A Haunted Poetry Contest

...

----------


## deryk

> *exit strategy*
> 
> 
> I dont feel dressed unless
> my toe nails are colored 
> in high gloss funeral black
> 
> when my feet sink 
> into the ghost white carpet
> ...


I must admit, the title gave me expectations for an allegory of current events, but I decided that I was trying too hard. It's very vivid and painstaking. I'm still unpacking the possibilities. Well done.

----------


## Haunted

*Deryk*, I'm guilty of taking big words and apply them to small personal events. The way you worded your comment is very interesting: Unpacking the possibilities, while the persona is all packed and ready to exit. It seems you understand more about the poem than me. Cheers.

----------


## deryk

> *Deryk*, I'm guilty of taking big words and apply them to small personal events. The way you worded your comment is very interesting: Unpacking the possibilities, while the persona is all packed and ready to exit. It seems you understand more about the poem than me. Cheers.


"Charade" and "misgivings" could equally bear a thousand faces - the rest of the action was extremely precise, so it was a point to wonder for me. I just thought it was interesting that you left those points very open. I read it as an appeal to universality, not a misunderstanding, but room for reflection.

----------


## Haunted

You got me there. I was intentionally vague with "charade" and "misgivings" after a sharply defined image of exiting metaphorically in black and white. There are a lot of gray areas in what goes wrong in relationships. I thought I would just let the readers to "unpack the possibilities"  :Smile:

----------


## Delta40

> *exit strategy*
> 
> 
> I dont feel dressed unless
> my toe nails are colored 
> in high gloss funeral black
> 
> when my feet sink 
> into the ghost white carpet
> ...


ooh! I love this one. The second stanza is a fantastic image. Will you leave his misgivings on his side?

----------


## Haunted

> ooh! I love this one. The second stanza is a fantastic image. Will you leave his misgivings on his side?


nay  :Wink:

----------


## Haunted

I want to take a moment to thank you all.
Your kind words and critical comments are priceless.
I'm a better writer because of you. 

Goodnight Litnet


~ - ~ - ~ 



*A Short Collection of Trashy Poems*

 introduction
 love story
 his green eyes
Google Earth
dead on
My name is Jane
fashionably speaking
of cat and men (a Christmas poem)
the anesthesiologist
Adam's apple pie
honesty
the fire
Sense and Sensuality

----------


## Delta40

Goodnight Haunted. Sleep tight  :Wave:

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Miss you already and you are going no where sweet haunted, see you soon x

----------


## Haunted

Be careful what you wish for Jerry x

----------


## Haunted

*stay with me*


he says something
I ignore him
it’s late 

and then he sings
like his life depends on it
that gets my attention
my full attention

slowly I lie on the floor
my eyes fixating on him
he takes a step forward
throws his head down
now he's almost over me
stay with me he says
his fists tighten
the mike screams
but he screams louder
stay stay stay with me 
pleeeease stay
stay with me
he’s relentless 
I'm feeling helpless
staaaay with me he sings
I melt
I’m a puddle 
of warm chocolate fudge
flowing towards his feet
he’s my new reality
on the other side
of the plasma screen

----------


## Maryd.

Wow, this one reaches out to me, Haunted...

_"I’m a puddle 
of warm chocolate fudge
flowing towards his feet"_

Very nice my dear, very nice indeed.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Al Green? One of your finest moments haunted. The line quoted by maryd is a pinnacle in a poem lost in the joy of sweet sweet music.

----------


## DieterM

I always enjoy reading your poems, and this one really made something vibrate in me (although, barbarian me, I don't seem to know Al Green – gotta Youtube the guy, I reckon). The only thing that puzzles me a bit is the single use of the past tense whereas the rest is told in the present tense (you know, the line "he took a step forward"). But not being a native speaker, I've perhaps missed something there... I sure have missed you and your poetic voice, haunted!

----------


## Haunted

Thank you so much *Mary*, *Jerry* and *Dieter*, I'm thrilled it engages you! I fixed it, thanks for the correction D, my grammar is awful.

Alas, it's not Al Green, I don't know him, had to wiki him. It's Pat Monahan, here it is.

----------


## Haunted

*to a woman I used to know*


I just want to 
know how you are doing
did the nightmares stop
does the dry skin over your knuckles 
still split open and 
bleeds for hours 
when you bend
your knotty boney fingers

mine are better
the nightmares that woke me up
now it’s just dreams
I can't wake up from
and I’m still bleeding

mom nod if you can
hear me see me
recognize me
any better 
than the last year
of your life

----------


## Delta40

how painful haunted. Like watching an aging parent fade away into the thick mist of dementia.

----------


## Hawkman

Hello Haunted. I missed this first time round. It is a great poem, with the concision of Okham's Razor. So simple and so effective.

best - H

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

A raw voice speaking to a dead ear!

----------


## Jack of Hearts

Agree with *Prince*. What a hard thing to have to go through.





J

----------


## Haunted

Thank you all for your comments!

*Delta*, glad (in a saddening sense) that you can relate...

*Hawkman*, thank goodness you found it the second time around, I value all your comments.

yeah *Prince*, that's the size of it.

*Jack*, thanks for the read and the kind words.

----------


## Haunted

*this kiss*


he gently eats my lips
like they are liver delicacy
char-blackened by
designer lipstick as dark
as midnight

I lick every inch of his neck 
before I nip on his earlobe

_kiss my neck again_
he moans

so I tease it with my tongue
and then I finish it off 
in one impassioned bite
with my fangs

----------


## Delta40

Hey Stranger!

I like this poem but I think the last two lines are too revealing. Would it help to slip in a full moon and/or a metaphorical feast? IMHO

----------


## Bar22do

the kiss
is a nice poem, Haunted! I agree with Delta re the ending. Sensuality is in the air these days! and it's not the beginning of the spring (well, not it this part of the world)! 
Long live erotic poetry!

----------


## Haunted

hi Delta and Bar, thanks so much for your comments. 

I agree with both of you, but my brain turned to mush, this is the best I could come up with. At least I didn't say "blood red lips"!

----------


## Delta40

> hi Delta and Bar, thanks so much for your comments. 
> 
> I agree with both of you, but my brain turned to mush, this is the best I could come up with. At least I didn't say "blood red lips"!


lol. the red lips would have been too much!  :FRlol:

----------


## Bar22do

You were extremely restrained in this kiss!  :Wink:  indeed! and charitable, too.

----------


## Hawkman

Hey haunted, welcome back! I must say I enjoyed this but I have to tell you it sparked some neurons in my brain which you probably never intended to reach - lol. Did you know that when the single strip colour film by Kodak was first introduced for shooting movies it lacked the red sensitivity of the old Thechnicolor three strip system. Red lipsticks always came out brown. The effect was called liver-lips!

But enough of this old movie history lore! This is a great poem and bags of fun. thanks for sharing  :Smile: 

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

Bar, restrained in sensuality or bloodlust? If it's lacking that's because good writing eludes me! 

Hawk, so glad you enjoyed it. I equally enjoyed the old movie history that transforms red lipsticks to "liver-lips". It might not be desirable on film, but it makes a mysterious color. How fascinating!

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

I agree that the last two lines - or the last at any rate - are too much of a sucker-punch and _kiss my neck again_ ought to be within quotation marks or italicized, as one (or I) initially took it as being in the voice of the narrator, but the slow unfolding of this heightens the eroticism.

----------


## Haunted

good catch Prince, I overlooked that. It's ital'd now.

It seems unanimous that I should do something about the ending lines, so I changed it somewhat. But not sure if it works. I welcome your suggestions and edits.

----------


## Hawkman

Actually I rather liked it as it was, it had more immediacy and was more tongue in wound, if you get my drift  :Biggrin: 

Best, H

----------


## Haunted

ok Hawk, I revised back to what it was before but added an extra line. I thought maybe it ended too quickly for most commenters, so perhaps this will help readers ease into the "sucker-punch" as Prince so aptly put it.

----------


## Hawkman

Works for me  :Biggrin: 

H

----------


## Haunted

thanks so much Hawk!

----------


## Haunted

*dad’s anniversary*


he was sitting up and 
staring into space
when he crossed over

few days later
eyes shut and shuttered
he sleeps in peace

how it fills me with envy
that I am not the one 
in the satin lined box

----------


## Bar22do

poignant brevity, haunted. a great tribute to dad... wonderful writing. 
but tell N not to envy. for we do not know... ? ?

----------


## Hawkman

Well it says a lot, Haunted but at the same time, not quite enough. I'm undecided whether this is a good thing or not. I kind of want to know the reason for the envy. There's just so much left unsaid.

Live and be well - H

----------


## blank|verse

Yes, I agree with the others; the last line definitely makes an impact, but as it comes from nowhere, it seems to be unsatisfying.

And I think the 'shut-shuttered-utter' internal word-play is a bit too playful for the tone of this poem. I'd consider removing 'utter' as I think the first two work well. Still, interesting piece.

----------


## Haunted

Thank you so much for your comments, Bar, Hawk and BV. 

*Bar*, it's true, we do not know, but the grass is always greener on the other side...

*Hawk*, *BV*, I thought about what you both pointed to and it's been several days and I couldn't come up with anything more satisfactory and less clinical. I didn't want to ramble on, I just want to say it's the notion of eternal peace that's very appealing. I left it at that, rather than going into reasons, it would be distracting and it's meant to be just a thought.

BV you are absolutely right about utter, it's obviously gratuitous. It's gone!

----------


## Delta40

very short and to the point Haunted. Reminded me of my own dad. I'm curious about the envy though...

----------


## Haunted

Delta, I'm sorry about your dad. You are the third person who tripped over the envy thing. After days of scratching my head, I came up with an alternative. Here it is.



*dads anniversary*


he was sitting up and 
staring into space
when he crossed over

few days later
eyes shut and shuttered
he sleeps in peace
and it fills me with envy
that I am not the one 
in the satin lined box

----------


## Bar22do

This is how I understood it previously, haunted, therefore I mentioned that since we can't know of that state, why envy... but I guess there are quite a few reasons N does.
I like the new version even better. 

Best from Bar

----------


## Hawkman

There is still tragedy in this piece, Haunted, and I'm not sure that one should envy the dead, but it definitely reads with more balance. I would suggest though that you make the last three lines a seperate stanza, which would give you three, three-line verses and slow the reader before the final thought.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

*Bar*, I figured that was your question. It just got to be better, why else would they say RIP?

*Hawk*, good idea, Done!

----------


## Haunted

*how many people does it take 
to paint a table?*


one to apply 
lush paint strokes

another to perform 
itty-bitty touch ups

_touch up where_ he said

_everywhere_ I said

_nice_ he said

and so we work
eyes closed

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

I suspect we're meant to infer a sexual encounter here and though I can't decode the subtext, I love the seeming artlessness of it, the spontaneity.

----------


## Jack of Hearts

Like *Prince* said, this reader likes how it just seems to pop out of nowhere and bloom into a poem. Good read *Queen Jane*.








J

----------


## cafolini

I think no one would envy being in the box. I think this has more to do with the way of going. That could be envied. Perhaps a slight modification, like something implying fast and painless, could apply.

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunted, your latest offering would seem to possess an erotic subtext. It takes some skill to convey so much in so few sparse lines. it's very effective and a pleasing read.

Live and be well - H

----------


## DieterM

I just have to agree with the praise above. It's always a pleasure to read one of your poems, and this one turns out very effective in its simplicity. How is it you always manage to say so much more between the lines than with the sparse words you use?

----------


## Haunted

*Prince*, thanks so much for your comment. And you are very kind to word "seeming artlessness". But "seeming" or not, I fall short in the art of descriptions I find in other people's work. But then I'm a minimalist and pleased that you like the off the cuff spontaneity. 

*Jack*, you said it so eloquently in your comments. In fact I too was surprised it ended up the way it did and worked. Jane says thank you!

*cafolini*, welcome to Litnet. I'm grateful for your thoughtful comment.

*Hawk*, I equally enjoy your short and sweet comment!

*Dieter*, funny you said that because I admire your skill in delighting us with extensive and engaging poems. To answer your question, I'm a simple person with very simple thoughts  :Biggrin:

----------


## Haunted

*a day after the nuclear war*


my eyelids glued shut
from dried acid rain
that earlier poured out 
of my eyes

I see nothing 
hear nothing
though I can still feel

red
...raw
my heart fell out
I’m just a cavity
I can't move

I won't survive 
or do I want to

because it’s my own fault
I started it

the first fight 
is the most wrenching

----------


## Hawkman

This poem has a direct simplicity about it that is very effective. There is a danger though, that it can be read as the introspective wail of someone wallowing in self-pity, so if that's what you were going for then you've nailed it. It's certainly emotional.

Not sure if, 'nuclear war' is intended ironically or not, though it could be, given that nuclear war has global connotations and this poem is all about one person's reaction after what was probably a fairly trivial "first" argument. Of course, if the argument was between the premiers of two nuclear superpowers, then in could, just concievably, lead to one - lol.

Live and be well - H

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

Oh yes, those first fights are often the most wrenching, as they perhaps signal the end of the halcyon period of the beginning of a relationship. It has always been my belief that a first argument bears close examination as, whatever the surface issue has been, it may be symbolic of deeper issues previously not addressed.

Taut poem!

----------


## XQZ

I like the simplicity of this, and the space on either side given for wondering. It's curious how the stupid fights linger, and after the final break up the things you remember the most, while the good times are just a long forgotten fairytale you don't have the spare energy to revisit. Put like this with the narrator admitting guilt, gives it a raw acid turn, one which speaks volumes. Should be more poems and stories about personal fallibility.

----------


## Haunted

Thank you Hawk, Prince and XQZ.

*Hawk*, it's indeed introspective wail but minus self-pity. Nuclear war is an analogy to how annihilating first fights are, and for the person it's their whole universe that's destroyed. Yes, the subject of the fight could be seen as "trivial" but the implications are often more serious.

*Prince*, we are on the same page. Worse yet, the first fight can also be the last.

*XQZ*, well said. I think it's self preservation that we remember the bad stuff to prevent from going back and making the same mistakes all over again.

----------


## Delta40

Interesting poem. I especially like the desciption of your eyes

----------


## Haunted

Thanks Delta, glad the description captured it for you.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

hello long lost haunted. You still have it, great choice of subject. The first fight where the honeymoon ends and realty kicks in. We are all probably best off alone and of course we always really are. Thought provoking and a reminder of what I have been missing whilst absent from here x

----------


## Haunted

hello homecoming Jerry. Thanks for your kind comment. I see that you haven't lost your cynical and pessimistic views of the human condition, thank gawd. Looking forward to more JB writing. x

----------


## Haunted

Hawk's Earthquake poem reminded me of something I wrote eons ago. It goes like this...




*morning news*


downstairs neighbor told us
there'd been an earthquake
all night long

----------


## hillwalker

Hmhm - was that his less than subtle way of complaining about what his upstairs neighbours got up to?

H

----------


## Hawkman

Rather sounds like it, hill. It's a cute one-liner Haunted, but I'd change the apostrophe *s* for an apostrophe *d*. 

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

Ha, I'd say that's considered subtle in NY. Yeah, it was all one-liners back in the day, almost riddle-like. Now I tend to ramble and end up paring down a lot. Thanks *Hill* and *Hawk* for the read.

----------


## blank|verse

Yeah, short and sweet, unlike the subject of the poem, which sounds more long and sweaty...

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *b/v*, your comment is just as short and sweet and the last part right on the money.

----------


## Haunted

*spoons*


the world 
reappears 
sideways

reflexively
you turn over 
until we fit 
like a set

----------


## Hawkman

It's quite a nice image Haunted. Perhaps "Reflexively" rather than "like reflex" which isn't quite right.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Bar22do

_morning news


downstairs neighbor told us
there'd been an earthquake
all night long_

haunted, this is both clever and subtle. And the subject entity clearly in need of rescue operation!

----------


## Delta40

> *spoons*
> 
> 
> the world 
> reappears 
> sideways
> 
> like reflex
> you turn over 
> ...


I like this and the vision of nestling into a partner

----------


## deryk

> *spoons*
> 
> 
> the world 
> reappears 
> sideways
> 
> like reflex
> you turn over 
> ...


Excellent. You have the wit of Gustave Courbet.

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, thanks for weighing in. I changed to "reflexively" but not sure if I actually prefer "like reflex." Don't know about the grammar but it's a bit punchier. I'll sleep on it....

*Delta*, really glad it visually works for you.

*Bar* and *Deryk*, in lieu of an equally clever and witty response to your kind comments, let me just say thanks so very much!!!!

----------


## Haunted

*terminal*


the grand wall clock 
has the right time
but I'm biding mine
in the waiting room

I hope the last call will be made 
by a sympathetic conductor
who will wait till I’m ready

_really really ready_

I wonder if I have enough makeup
need to look stunning for the trip
make that nice lasting impression

even if they have to
repaint the locomotive

will you come and
identify me

----------


## Hawkman

Hi there, Haunted. I see you have decided to honour your avatar with a suitable post! One hopes that getting it in print, albeit virtual print, will be sufficient to exorcise such dark thoughts! However it's a nice little poem although the repetition of time in S1 in successive lines is a slight weakness. I'd recommend:

"the grand wall clock 
actually has the right time
but I'm biding mine
in the waiting room"

I must remember to bring my DNA testing kit  :Sad:

----------


## Haunted

Great constructive comment *Hawk*. I noted myself "time" was repeated in consecutive lines which is a big no no in my poetry writing policy but didn't think hard enough for an alternative. Thanks for the fix. 

You and *b/v* put me to shame with your respective rail poems. Both have helped inspire me. Kudos!

----------


## hillwalker

Of course, glamming up for suicide adds yet another surreal dimension to the current crop of rail-related tragedies.

One request for Christmas. Could you use a slightly larger font size so I don't have to dig out my Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass to study your little gems?

H :-)

----------


## blank|verse

Maybe we should all publish an anthology? What about 'Between the Lines' as a title?  :Smile: 

Anyway, I thought the power of this poem comes from the tension between the narrator's matter-of-fact tone, and the suggestion of her actions.

I didn't see the original, but found 'actually' (line 2) a bit distracting. I presume the suggestion is that clocks in train stations are often wrong, but found the inclusion of a disjunct (an adverbial used to comment on what is being discussed) introduces an opinion about the clock, where perhaps a more straight-forward description or subtle figurative image would work better. I'm reminded of Charles Simic's 'The Clocks of the Dead':
One night I went to keep the clock company.
It had a loud tick after midnight
As if it were uncommonly afraid.Similarly in the line: 'who will wait till Im really ready', I'm not sure if you need 'really'. With it, I found I skimmed the first five words, and placed heavy stress on 'really'; without it would give a more measured two-stress line: 'who will *wait* till Im *ready*' which seems a more apt rhythm... although perhaps loses something of the narrator's idiolect.

Anyway, just some thoughts, and thanks for your comments about my own railway poem.

----------


## Haunted

*Hill*, thanks for the read and yes, you will have your Christmas wish  :Wink: 

*b/v*, it sure would make an awesome volume especially with the very clever 'Between the Lines' title, LOL. I vaguely remember *JerryB* wrote a train poem too, quite remarkable if I recall.

Those lines from Charles Simic are just great. Clocks in public places are either broken or have the wrong time so yes, it is a pet peeve of mine, which doesn't have to be in the poem. I put "really" in there because it's a trip of no return, so to speak, and one really has to be ready for it. Without it, it becomes more matter-of-fact which is the overall tone. I'll have to sleep on this one.

Actually I have you to thank because your Trainspotters and replies to my comments, along with *Hawk*'s Exit, reminded me I'm long overdue for a train poem.

----------


## Bar22do

oh my god, what's happening over here! yet another conspiracy! haunted, perhaps it's time to choose a new avatar (a figure lying in the grass, a Lolita kind or so?) 
thanks for sharing anyway! I'd prefer the poem ended at "locomotive" (a stronger ending).

take a very good care of yourself (and of N!)! 

Bar

----------


## Haunted

No conspiracy, no worries. I agree it can end with locomotive but it might be a bit too subtle. Also there's a tremendous sense of pathos in identifying the mangled body of someone you know..... Thanks for weighing in Bar, and also for looking out for N.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Ahhh. My favourite Haunted poem since about, oh I dont know... 1948? suicide and glamour? whats not to love? Its right down my dark street and I loved it dear haunted.

----------


## Haunted

Oh the L word again *JerryCharmy*. 63 years in the making, for your reading pleasure my fave reader.

----------


## Haunted

*downsize*


it’s rotten to watch
the gallon of milk
long expired and soured 
draining down
an unforgiving dark hole

even more rotten 
is the scenario 
swirling in my head

in some cold isolated dairy aisle
I’m reaching for a quart of milk
same time as a stranger
and the static electricity I feel
is the shock that I once knew this hand

but all I can choke up is
’cuse me

----------


## Hawkman

I think we've all felt that dread at the anticipation of bumping into someone we don't really want to meet. This is nicely crafted Haunted, but watch for the tense change from present to past in those last three lines. You might want to add an *is* at the beginning of S3 L5.

A good read.

Live and be well - H

----------


## hillwalker

A strange and subtle one this - we're left pondering is the 'stranger' really a stranger, or is there some shared history. Now estranged they both go through the same motions of emptying the fridge then stocking up again on fresh milk (but this time by the quart rather than the gallon).

H

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, it's indeed dreadful! Thanks again for alleviating my tense-ion  :Biggrin: 

*Hill*, wow, you are good! Once again your interpretation is right on. I was concerned that it might be too subtle. To expand the drain imagery I revised S2. In case it's too obscure for anyone...wind/liquid moves counterclockwise in the Northern Hemisphere—where this writer lives.

----------


## Hawkman

Actually Haunted the coriolis effect is a myth. The deciding factor of which way the liquid drains is all to do with diameter of pipe, angle of fall and imperfections in manufacture. Sad but true  :Biggrin:  You still need to replace *was* with *is* in the penultimate line and I fear that your modification of the whirling may have disrupted the rhythm of the piece.

Live long and prosper - H

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk* you're right about breaking the rhythm, I tossed "counterclockwise" but not because it's a myth  :Tongue:  I didn't even see "was", it's now fixed. Thanks again!

----------


## Jack of Hearts

You picked up on such a subtle experience that this reader has personally felt many times but would never think to write about. You're pretty much a rockstar, Queen Jane.




> an unforgiving dark hole


This reader felt that the word 'unforgiving' was out of place here.

A small nitpick in what was definitely a good poem.







J

----------


## Haunted

*Jack*, I'm pleased that you can relate. Actually that wasn't the poem. The one I started writing was "unforgiving" with apathy being the most rotten thing I feel, and the poem that should have been written is as follows. 




*downsize*


it’s rotten to watch
the gallon of milk
long expired and soured 
draining down
an unforgiving dark hole

even more rotten 
is your face fading
with the murky runoff
and the scenario 
swirling in my head

that on some distant cold night
down an even colder dairy aisle
we happen to bump
face to face
hand over hand
reaching for the same 
quart of milk
and all I see is a stranger
and all I have to say to you is
’cuse me

----------


## Haunted

*gingerbread house*


as he bakes 
he holds my hand

while we wait
we nibble each others nosetips

when the winter moon rises
he tears the bread 
into golden sheen tiles 
and builds around and over 
until Im enclosed 
in the warmest homestead 

then we fall 
on the flavored floor
sweet cravings 
almost unbearable

----------


## Hawkman

So! Haunted has a pet baker! - lol

I feel there is a slight problem in S2 L2. Ending the line with *on* stops the thought dead, creates an unnatural pause before the succeeding line. I'm not sure you actually need the on at all, and I wonder if the line wouldn't be better as, "We nibble each other's nosetips"

The middle line of S3 baffles me a bit. It is unclear whether you are personifying the moon, or the *he* refers to the aforementioned baker. What is he actually building? I don't particularly like *engirdled*, not that it's "wrong" as such, but it makes me think of ladies undergarments, though maybe that's just a personal fixation - LOL.

I like the idea behind this poem though, it is atmospheric and sensual.

Live and be well - H

----------


## hillwalker

I'd prefer '*engulfed*' to '*engirdled'* since one assumes the lover is slowly absorbing the narrator with his warm, biscuit-scented body rather than encasing her in a set of ladies' undergarments.

And yes, it's a difficult metaphor to keep hold of right the way through but one is left in no doubt by the end that this pair are indeed "*cookin*'".

H

----------


## Bar22do

this is so immediately sensuous, haunted! I agree with hill about "engulfed", the rest is sheer pleasure to read! bravo! from bar

----------


## Haunted

Thanks all for your input!

I wish *Hawk*, LOL. I don't consume much baked goods because of carbs, but Scottish butter shortbread and Italian bread are staple in my pantry. I agree about losing "on" after nibble. Also rewriting the "engirdle" lines to make it clearer. Glad you still find it enjoyable. 

*Hill*, "engirdled" is tossed. I changed it quite a bit. "Engulfed" makes me think of "engulfed in fire" so I picked a more neutral word, "enclosed". Yes, it is a very difficult metaphor, why did I even attempt it! I had this scenario of someone making me a gingerbread house and I'll live inside it. Silly isn't it. But it's Christmas, anything goes. Hope you liked the cookin'. 

Thanks *Bar*, your comment is equally pleasurable to read!

----------


## Hawkman

Yes that's a big improvement but I'm not sure if you need "in the warmest homestead". I feel it slightly over-extends the strophe and spoils the transition to the last. You're almost there I think  :Wink: 

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

Good suggestion *Hawk*, I wondered that myself but left it in, otherwise it might mistakenly cause people to think the narrator is being covered in bread, rather than put inside a house. That would have to be a different poem, LOL.

----------


## blank|verse

Sweet, sensual and playful, *haunted*, very nice.

I'm not keen on the alliteration-overload of 'we fall | on the flavorful floor', and I wonder if the analogy breaks down here, as if a gingerbread wo/man were to fall to the floor, it would smash into pieces. That aside, it's wonderfully imaginative.

----------


## Haunted

Thank you so much for your kind words, b/v. I know what you mean about the alliteration-overload, it's a bit much but I tried a few words and "flavor" is the word of choice that goes best contextually. I eliminated the internal alliteration by changing "flavorful" to "flavored", so now it's 25% less flavorful. I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it overall.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Romance must be in the air having come from Delta's Ferris Wheel to Haunted's Gingerbread house. Sweet indeed Haunted, not a haunted house  :Smile:  but a smart sexy romantic eatery. Good fun.

----------


## Haunted

Aw thanks Jerry. Maybe someday they'll make a Gingerbread Ferris Wheel  :Smile:

----------


## Haunted

*Christmas 2011*


the ice sculpture of a reindeer
came from a distant factory
that molded it in clear resin 

the berry wreath sends forth
a whiff of new red plastic 

behind the firescreen
electric logs flicker 
flames set on medium

for warmth there’s the mink throw
made of 100% acrylic
dyed to arctic white

I wait up watching a live show
a petite ballerina glides 
over the shiny wood floor 
inside the music box

he promised 
to be back for Christmas...



another silent night

all is calm
all is fake

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunted. A catalogue of illusion surrounding the festive season. The lonliness of disappointment and broken promises handled subtly. Not sure about the use of "trusty" though, it undermines the point you are trying to make and I'd be inclined to shift:

"he'd promised to be back for Christmas
in his replica bomber jacket" 

to the slot before, "another silent night" so that the unnamed other's failure to appear fits more coherently in the narrative - also change he to he'd - tenses again - and lose the second he'd in favour of "to"

Live and be well - H

----------


## hillwalker

You've covered so much territory with this one yet deep down it carries a simple message.
I agree with *Hawk* re '*trusty*' because that's the one thing '_he_' isn't.

My only quibble would be the opening verse - I'm not particularly keen on *'the deer ice sculpture'*. It sounds rather awkward.
Something along the lines of

*A reindeer 
sculpted from ice
resin molded in some distant factory* ??

At least your fellow LitNetters are the real thing.
Best wishes

H

----------


## Haunted

Thanks both for your valuable perspectives, I mulled over it and revised accordingly.

*Hawk*, I see your point and switched the last two stanzas before the "silent night" ending, it's a good idea because now the payoff is at the end where it should be, and it didn't break up the narrative. Good call!

*Hill*, "trusty" was meant to be ironic, like everything is in appearance only. But since both you and Hawk have problem with it, it's a red flag so I tossed it and made it more transparent. Also rewrote the deer line.

_"You've covered so much territory with this one yet deep down it carries a simple message."_  Err, too simplistic? 

I agree, my Litnet friends are diamonds and not a cubic zirconia as far as I can see. 

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all.

----------


## Haunted

*papercut*


it came from wrapping 
your Christmas present

the first drop 
was like a seed

then like crazy love
it grew

the reddest amaryllis 
spreading wantonly
across a field of
the purest snow

----------


## Hawkman

Very good Haunted. The only suggestion I might make would be to change, "uninhibitedly" (something of a mouthful at 6 syllables) to "relentlessly", which would ease the flow of the stanza.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Hawk*. Good catch. I didnt even see it, six syllables, good Lord. Haunted is all about KISSing (keep[ing] it simple stupid, for non-Americans). Only short anglo saxon words here. I got one better, just 3 syllables  :Wink:

----------


## hillwalker

This reads like the ultimate sacrifice to a loved one - a gift of intense feelings that can never be adequately reciprocated. One pictures unrequited love somewhere in the mix.

H

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Hill*. One can only hope that it's at least acknowledged, if not fully appreciated and comprehended.

----------


## AuntShecky

Re: "Papercut"

Although brief, this little verse manages to blend both the joy and melancholy of this mystical and at times mystifying season. Good work.

PS Have the happiest of all New Years!

----------


## Jerrybaldy

A thing of beauty Haunted.

----------


## Haunted

Thank you so much *Auntie* for gracing this thread. I wish you the same, happiest of all happiest. 

*Jerry*, so pleased that you enjoyed it.

----------


## Haunted

*on the last day of the year*


she sneaks in just as
I’m getting the kinks
out of my purple dreads

I know those eyes
shell-shocked by flashbacks
and disturbing dreams
weighing on the fragile frame
inside the pink babydoll dress

she’s welling up
no I won't let her
BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY

_but I’m just a little girl
_
I hurl the hot curling iron
smack into the mirror 
glass explodes

I pick up the longest shard 
with all my might I thrust it 
right in her chest

now I’m ready 
for the New Year's party

----------


## Hawkman

I detect an element of Black Swan in this Haunted. But purple dreads! Oh dear...  :Biggrin:  S2 is problematic as it reads awkwardly. Two one-line declarative statements at the beginning of the verse make it a bit of a jerky read. I'd be inclined to tweak it to allow the thoughts to flow a little more easily. I don't think I like "clearly she never got out" as this enire line could be replaced with the word, "trapped." I think the rest of it works pretty well.

Live and be well - H

----------


## hillwalker

Sounds like something Stephen King might have come up with during his 'Carrie' years.
Are we to assume the narrator and 'she' who never gets out are one and the same person (hence the mirror)? Creepy indeed.

H

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, purple dreads (gothic style) are cool, you should try it some time  :Biggrin: 
I'll revisit that stanza but the line "clearly she never got out" (vs. "she's stuck") is to mean getting out of that dress as well as her mental state. But I'm pleased that you are pleased with the rest. 

*Hill*, once again you nailed it, (why am I not surprised?  :Smile: ) It's indeed one and the same person — the death is symbolic in order to start new as signified by a new year. But plot-wise the chance of "she" coming back from the dead is highly probable. How's that for creepy? However if the stabbing is as creepy as you imagined...you got me thinking of a softer ending....

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

I thought the transition from the "purple dreads" to the narrator's recollection of herself in her "little pink babydoll dress" beautifully pointed up the situation.

And, speaking of pink, check this out:

http://milford.patch.com/articles/so...ke-superheroes

----------


## Haunted

OK *Hawk*, S2 is edited for a smoother read. Hope you agree. BTW I never watched Black Swan and don't know anything about it. 

*Prince*, glad you picked that up and the contrast worked. Cute video. Pink was indeed my favorite color, talk about predictable!

----------


## Bar22do

A happy New Year *haunted*!!!! and - what a poem. I mean so very powerful. Reading it aloud, I thought these two would benefit from more concision:

_I hurl the hot curling iron
smack into the mirror 
glass explodes
shards everywhere

I pick up the longest 
and sharpest I can find
and thrust it in her chest_

just an idea, please disregard if not to your liking:

I hurl the hot curling iron
smack into the mirror 
glass explodes

I pick up the longest shard 
thrust it in her chest

and now am ready
for the New Year's party

my very best as always, Bar

----------


## Haunted

*Bar*, thanks so much for your comment. Love your suggestion! I went back and made some modifications. 

the very best to you too and have a wonderful New Year.

----------


## Bar22do

wow, now it's great! and I too am ready for the New Year, though not for a party, I'm afraid...!  :Angel Anim:  greetings! Bar

----------


## Haunted

I don't do New Year's parties either, it's so overrated. For a low key celebration, best wishes for you in the coming year *Bar*!

----------


## Haunted

*hours on end*


I would lie next to you even if 
on a bed of brambles just to listen

theres no music more beautiful 
more addictive than your rhythmic snrrrrrrrr.....
hhhhhhh.....snrrrrrrrr.....hhhhhhh.....snrrrrrrrr. ....hhhhhhh.....snrrrrrrrr.....

----------


## Bar22do

That's a woman in love, I should say... for how else!  :Wink:  I'd suggest you use only one first "more" then the enumeration, but as always I might be wrong... 

Best to you, haunted,

Bar

----------


## Hawkman

Nice idea Haunted and it's humour is a winner. But it is a bit overstated. too much snrrrrring. in the absence of punctuation I'd adjust the line breaks in the second part:

"there’s no music more beautiful 
more addictive 
than your rhythmic 
snrrrrrrrr....."

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

Indeed, *Bar*  :Smile:  I agree about the redundancy. I went back and took out a few more things. As always a pleasure to read your comments. 

*Hawk*, you've got my contracted style down pat, LOL. But this one is different. The onomatopoeia _is_ the poem. The repetition is also meant to create a hypnotic effect and extend the rhythm. Thanks for weighing in and finding humor in this little piece of silliness.

----------


## aliengirl

Lol! I had the pleasure of reading your works for some time. They may or may not say much but they are unique. To make onomatopoeia the poem is singular. XO

----------


## Haunted

*Aliengirl* that's quite an astute observation. I do dig the most insignificant subject matters — the lowest denominators of life. Sometimes it's the smallest things that matter most. 
And for your delightful comment, hugs from this haunted writer.

----------


## aliengirl

I don't know whether I'm really so good at observing but I'm pretty sure you are good at detecting smaller details.  :Smile:  
This girl hugs you back.  :Grouphug:

----------


## Delta40

your hours on end could be read in a number of ways I'm sure Haunted. A genuine romantic - the sacrifices we are so willing to make and not even prepared to call them that anyway! Or the wonderful sarcasm you have put to use, underlying so well the hours on end themselves. I don't know. I'm still on my first cup of tea. Either way, those few lines brought a smile to my face Haunted.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

You would love me haunted. truely. I can hhhhh and snnrrrrr for hours.... but then I stop and scare the flying crap out of myself. I remember you referencing brambles a while back as an English expression you loved and glad to see it pop up here. I genuinely cannot decide if your poem is sarchasm or love .. but maybe thats the point, or not. Screwdriver! Clink! x

----------


## Haunted

*Delta*, glad it put you in a good mood  :Smile: . I can see how the title Hours on End would lead you and *Jerry* into thinking it's sarcasm. But it's nothing close to a full-blown snore, as there are no vowels in either "snrrrrrrrr" or "hhhhhhh". So I'm afraid it's truly a stupidly-in-love poem. 

Jerry, I'd sure love you but dunno about that boil...never mind  :Biggrin:  clink x

----------


## Haunted

*listener*


the side of the face resting 
on the moistened asphalt
bears imprints similar to 
bumpy scar tissue

every few days
I turn over to the other side 
so I wont stiffen 
into stone

still this is the best way
to detect distant sounds

like an imminent apocalypse 
or your footsteps 
coming back up the road

----------


## Bar22do

this is stunning, haunted from first to last word. a very powerful poem indeed! bravo! from Bar

----------


## aliengirl

Awesome! It seems as if written by someone living alone in a post-apocalyptic world. Very evocative. XOX

----------


## Hawkman

It's very good, Haunted.  :Smile:  The opening is perhaps a little prosy, but it's very atmospheric and the internal narrative logic works well. The whole piece flows beautifully. 

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

*Bar*, that's so sweet and heartening, many thanks!

yes *Aliengirl*, something like that. Thanks for dropping in. oooo

*Hawk*, what can I say, I am poetically challenged. Anyhoo if you find it atmospheric and making sense, then I'm a happy camper.

----------


## Delta40

Listener

Wow Haunted, that's a short poem with a punch if ever I read one. I can even imagine the skin bubbling like the asphalt before popping then scarring....a dedicated listener. You captured the gravity of a place nobody ever wants themselves resorting to.

----------


## Haunted

Thanks so much *Delta*. Yeah, I'm attracted to places where few dare to go.

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

The revelation in the last three lines makes this even more stunning than the sufficently graphic preceding lines.

----------


## Haunted

*Prince*, thanks for your kind words, it's really reassuring.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. Face down on asphalt for days??? That image has popped into my head regularly the last day or two since I read your masterpiece. The darkness of it, the hopelessness of the listener but most of all, that image that I cannot get out of my head. Stunning, as bar and Prince noted and I could not agree more. You should be very proud of this one. It is a Gem shining in the black asphalt x

----------


## Haunted

*Jerry* it's comments like yours that give me a purpose again...write another poem, or get up from the asphalt...... x

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Haunted. Now and again a poem a poem creates an image, no matter how unlikely, that just stays with you and hours later it comes back to your mind. You did this here and you should be proud. They dont come along every day. like 1948 this one lingers.

----------


## Haunted

*Jerry*, you have a few of those as well, particularly narratives from a child's point of view, the images stay with me. I'm truly moved by your comments. Means so much. x

----------


## Haunted

*insulating the attic*


under my feet
loose thin floor boards 
seemingly stable
only to give and 
play me for a fool

you said youll help but

the boards end abruptly 
theres no warning 
no apologies
no goodbye

I fall between two beams
something is broken
I can feel it 

the roll of insulation unravels
fiberglass looking as lovely 
and innocuous as cotton candy 
hits me like a barrel of lies

I have no protective gear
my eyes tear 
asthma flames



I can't 
breathe




not 
on my own






its not an inhaler 
that I need

----------


## Hawkman

This is a good one Haunted. The only thing I'd highlight as perhaps not quite right is is the description of the fibreglass.

"the roll of tight-lipped
cotton candy pink fiberglass" 

Why tight-lipped? It's not as though we expect fibreglass to be loquatious, I'd be inclined to drop it. The rhythm of "cotton candy pink fibreglass" is awkward too. Pink cotton candy scans better. You could say:

"...fibreglass, cotton candy pink" but it wouldn't really fit with the fluidity of the rest of the narration. But do we actually need to know the colour of the fibreglass? is it relevent? I'd also query use of the definite article. We know you are in the loft, but we are not told why. as there has been no previous reference to the roll of fibreglass it might be better to refer to a roll, rather than the roll. lastly in the last line of this stanza there's a typo, an, which should be a.

to maintain the fuidity of the piece I'd word it like this:

"a roll of cotton-candy fibreglass
unravels and hits me
like a barrel of lies"

However, there is another obption in which you don't mention the fibreglass at all:

"a 20lb roll of pink cotton-candy
unravels and hits me
like a barrel of lies"

have a think about it.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Bar22do

> *insulating the attic*
> 
> 
> under my feet
> loose thin floor boards 
> seemingly stable
> only to give and 
> play me for a fool
> 
> ...


Your transposition of the relation to the attic in need of protection is genial, IMO. If I may suggest, I'd compress the second part to sth like (only an idea): /like a barrel of lies/ my asthma is taking over,/my eyes burn and I can't breathe/ not on my own/ it's not an inhaler/that I need 

I'm shaken by the power of this poem which "looks" so casual at first, Haunted. A good one, for sure. 

Thanks for the experience, Bar!

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, thanks for taking so much time!!! "Tight lipped" was meant to go with telling "lies", it also describes how tightly the material is rolled up. "Cotton candy pink" was meant to go with "white lies" but then I forgot about it and dropped the word "white" in the posted version. That's what happens when trying to do too much. I rewrote the stanza and altered a few other lines.

*Bar*, your depth in writing can be seen in your reads as well and I'm glad you picked up on the deceptive casualness. I changed the part you mentioned, thanks for pointing it out.

----------


## aliengirl

Perhaps I missed this one earlier and I think you've done some editing. Anyway, I like the way it ends... with line spaces after every two line as if the narrator is gasping for breath. It is such a good visual effect enhancing the meaning of your awesome poem. Thanks for the update haunted!

----------


## PrinceMyshkin

> *insulating the attic*
> I fall between two beams
> something is broken
> I can feel it


Yes, and I believe that we can feel it, too - and it isn't made of bone.



> I can't 
> breathe
> 
> 
> 
> 
> not 
> on my own
> 
> ...


These make for such a visceral ending!

----------


## Delta40

I love the ending. It's like this top level is a deception, stifling us rather than enlightening us and the last few lines are powerful indeed.

----------


## AuntShecky

The cotton candy motif is apt-- that's just what fiberglass insulation looks like. But everything about this verse is good. The first version is superior, methinks, but go with what your gut tells you.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Quite a metaphor Haunted!! You are never more careful where you tread so of course it works. can only but guess how this formed in your mind.

----------


## Haunted

*Aliengirl*, thanks, I edited it more since then, it seems that I just can't get it right. Installing insulation is hard work, you know...hmm

*Prince*, I was agonizing over whether "broken" is enough of a hint, or whether the whole conceit worked at all, so thanks for your reassuring comment! I'm also very pleased you got the effect of the new ending.

*Delta*, I always find it touching that others can experience exactly what I'm trying to say, I enjoyed your comment.

*Auntie*, I take every comment seriously, especially yours, which is most kind. Yeeea I did overwrite the revise, didn't I? I cut it back again. Thanks for your big vote of confidence!

*Jerry*, I wonder the same of you, how you think up the things that you think up. I guess treading dangerously isn't such a bad thing if we can get some solid poetry out of it. Cheers.

Thank you all for the read, really really really much appreciated!!!

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunted. I've just read the new edit and the problem verse is now almost perfect. There is a slight niggle in the last line of it though, "exposing shrapnels of lies."

Henry Shrapnel was a British artillery officer who developed an anti-personnel artillery shell in the 19th century. The word has come to describe the fragments of an exploded shell, so in context, it is a collective noun and consequently doesn't need an s. As a result, the last line isn't particularly grammatical. Better to say: "exploding shrapnel lies." this gives you a double meaning in exploding, a word which fits with shrapnel better and also has a sub meaning of exposing a lie for what it is. 

I'm afraid that I really don't like those excessive gaps between the last few stanzas though.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

> Hi Haunted. I've just read the new edit and the problem verse is now almost perfect. There is a slight niggle in the last line of it though, "exposing shrapnels of lies."
> 
> Henry Shrapnel was a British artillery officer who developed an anti-personnel artillery shell in the 19th century. The word has come to describe the fragments of an exploded shell, so in context, it is a collective noun and consequently doesn't need an s. As a result, the last line isn't particularly grammatical. Better to say: "exploding shrapnel lies." this gives you a double meaning in exploding, a word which fits with shrapnel better and also has a sub meaning of exposing a lie for what it is.


wow I didn't know the history behind the word shrapnel. Perhaps it deserves it's own poem. Now that you pointed it out I realized it's yet another metaphor, it just feels busy. I made a wrong call, it's coming out! 




> I'm afraid that I really don't like those excessive gaps between the last few stanzas though.


No? auhh, I'm sure it'll grow on you....... :Wink5:

----------


## Haunted

*departing JFK*


30,000 feet up
we can't be summoned 
back to earth

ceremonially
we unbuckle

we flip up all four armrests 
of the unoccupied five seat row
and descend

smooth gives way 
to turbulence
visibility almost zero
I can't see beyond my arms
arched over your shoulders
bumps intensify 
before long we seek refuge
in the bathroom 
panting

all this and the plane 
hasn't even taken off

----------


## Hawkman

Sounds like the N gets turned on by aeroplanes, like Awsome Wells' secretary in 1941  :Biggrin:  Very convenient that the plane seemed to be empty  :Wink: 

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

Who's Awsome Well, secretary et al? I know, I can wiki it but a Litnetter's I'd storytelling trumps those cut and dry html pages. 

You raised a good point *Hawk* about airliners being empty. That's just not believable.Years back there were flights with very few passengers but that probably contributed to their bankruptcy. Now they sardine as many people in. It also bugged me when I was writing this and pre-post versions had a few lines about clouds and zero visibility to suggest why they didn't see anyone. I guess I should write that back in, as well as changing "empty" to "unoccupied". I also dropped the destination of busy LA from the title so it can be any obscure place in the world. But just a little tidbit, if you pick a seat way in the back, there are moments where that part of the cabin has just a small handful of passengers, they are stuck behind front row boarders with their enormous carry-ons and reach the seats in the back much later. So flying Economy has its advantages. First Class / Business Class are right at the entrance, those rich folks have to suffer the long parade of lowly Economy Cass people. But they do get to get off first. 

oh many thanks for your sharpness btw, I got carried away. I think the revise adds more credibilty to the piece now, your comment sure helped.

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunt. I think that wikiing, 'Awsome Wells' probably wouldn't do you much good - lol. I was punning on Orson Wells' name. But actually I made a mistake, I was confusing his role in Catch 22, where he played a pyscopathic general who had a voluptuous secretary. I can't remember exactly what her status was in the film, but in 1941 there was a dishy WAC who was an iceburg, though she was an iceberg only until she got near a plane. Planes turned her on.

I think the problem with your poem is that you seem to be getting to the nitty gritty right out in the open in the middle of the cabin. This stretches the suspension of disbelief a bit. If the 'turbulence' occurred while the narrator and their partner were in the bathroom it would make a bit more sense.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Delta40

I really liked it and was slow off the mark to read it other than an every day domestic flight till I got to the end and thought 'woa! I've missed something here' So re-reading it and clicking to the real meaning was a pleasure (and a sign that I definitely need to get out more...) Great piece Haunted and always a joy to read you.

----------


## Haunted

Yes, they are already flying high, in their heads anyway. The pleasure is mine to be graced by your insightful comments *Delta*.

----------


## Bar22do

Haunted, in a plane! I myself never flew in one that has five seats rows - that certainly do expand one's imagination, especially if one's traveling in the right company!!!  :Smile5:  Good to read you always!! Best to you, talented Haunted!

Bar

----------


## Haunted

Always so nice to get your feedback *Bar*, your comment brightens up my day. Thanks!

There are planes with 2/5/2 seating so if you pick the center row and no one else sits there, you can stretch out and sleep. Also if you get the right and left rows which just have 2 seats, it's great for traveling with a companion, more private. Downside is you can't stretch out. There are also 3/3/3 seating, not so good for hogging and sleeping but much better for "inside" people getting out as they don't have to tramble on so many people  :Biggrin:

----------


## Haunted

*stranded in a noreaster*


as if hypothermia
would take too long
the 50-mile gust wind
fills the slack
shooting off ice pellets 
across the dim and 
deserted mall parking lot

my face burns
before it goes numb

that's the cost 
of closure

at least I got a refund
returning your present

the glass doors at Macys
slam open close open close
until they smash

I hold on to the shopping bag
as empty as the house
I'm going back to

----------


## AuntShecky

Bravo for this last one! ^^^^ The last two stanzas are especially effective,
but I loved all of it.


Just returned from a short outing with my bitter half and the icy wind was actually painful. It's supposedly thirty-seven degrees, but the wind chill makes it seem like we're in Antarctica. (If it's like this in February, what are the notorious March winds going to be like? Still very little snow, though. I guess that's good, except for the ski resorts.)

----------


## Bar22do

would you believe? just returned from a meeting here where the holy city's gusts of wind lashed my whole body and got me frozen to the marrow! my face burned before it got numbed... you can't escape the cold wherever you are!
however, to read your "cold" poetry (under a warm quilt at the time like this!) is always heart warming while this poems tears it too, alas... but perhaps there is hope for N, for nature abhors emptiness and fills it as soon as it can!

keep warm, dear Haunted, ah, and the introductory lines to your poem are especially classy: 

"as if hypothermia 
would take too long..."

bravo!

from Bar

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunted,

a powerful, if chilly, image, but this line in S1 reads oddly to my Anglicised ear:

"the 50-mile gust wind
fills the slack"

To me it reads that the gust is 50 miles long as one would have expected to see "an hour" after, 'mile'. This would have made the line rather ungainly though. Is this a standard way of indicating wind speed on your side of the pond? You don't really need the word, 'wind' as gust is sufficient, and I would have gone for 'knot' rather than mile, as a knot, in context, is a measurment of speed. Also, slack is not so much filled as "taken up," but is slack the right word? Slack what? A slack sail could be filled by wind, I suppose, but hyopothermia is the subject of the sentence.

try:

"a fifty-knot gust 
adds some chill"

In case you were wondering, I like the poem though -  :Wink: 

Live and be well - H

----------


## Jerrybaldy

A joy to read. I could go on, but a joy to read should capture it. You were always good. You got even better.

----------


## Haunted

There must be a nor'easter in cyberspace, I typed up a long reply and as if a gust of wind just blew it off my screen, poof, it was gone. Gone! arrrrhhh. So I apologized for a delayed thank you to everyone. 

All the planets must have lined up that day, what are the odds that *Auntie*, *Bar* and Haunted all bowed to the same force of nature? 

*Auntie*, exactly! Was trying to capture how painful it was, with the icy wind and sleet beating on the skin. It must be downright excruciating Upstate. But no snow is good where you are. We didn't' get much of anything here this year either. They said it's the jet stream. Usually they blame it on the poor guy El Nino. Now I'm rambling. Thanks for your kind words!!

*Bar*, just when I thought Jerusalem is all milk and honey! I hope you got out of the wind, especially if it carries sand. It must be cozy to be under the quilt afterwards. Yes, it will/would get better, because the emptiness is of the "house", not "life". Thanks for "tolerating" the cold in the poem in your sweet ways!

*Hawk*, I know, I wrote "gust" and somehow "wind" got added to it, don't ask me how!! I abbreviate things when I talk, I usually just say "50 mile wind", I assume everyone knows it's calculated as per hour. Anyway I do like the way it reads to you, a 50 mile long wind. I actually like that interpretation, can I keep it? Oh, keep that Anglicised ear open, I know I'll need help again. Glad you still find things to like in the poem. 

*Jerry*, more joy to me to read your comments. I treasure every one of them. x

----------


## Haunted

*mirage*



the heat was 
a hologram 
I could touch

in the distance
the lanes were shiny
like it just rained

and there you were
far up the road
wavy quivery
in the midday air

I raced to catch up with you
but no matter how fast I drove
you stayed distant

this can't be real

I stopped
swung the door open 
doubled over
and retched
until there was nothing
left of me

----------


## Hawkman

I like this Haunt. The only suggestion I might make, would be to cut S3. Everything else about the poem is observational narrative, whereas this stanza is a speculative digression which doesn't really add much. For me it slows the poem down and dissipates its punch. The poem's ok as it is, but I feel it would be better without.

One thing though, there is a tense change in the penultimate single line stanza. everything else is in past tense but this one is present tense. I don't necessarily think this is a problem though. It is in the last stanza though, *there's* is a contraction for 'there is' and as this stanza has jumped back into past tense it should be, "there was."

to be honest I think the best fix would be to keep in present tense in the last stanza, altering its beginning to:

I stop
get out
double over
and retch
until there's nothing
left of me

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, good call. I totally agree about S3. I took that out and instead elaborated on the mirage. 

I'm always tense-challenged! I was aware of the single line, it's meant to be a thought of that moment. I could have ital'd it but... The last stanza is now all in past tense. Thanks for your help!

----------


## Bar22do

As often with your writing, this poem to has moved me and stopped my breath. 
Just a thought, perhaps you could consider compacting S3 and 4, something like:

you seemed
quivery in the midday air,
distant,
no matter how fast I drove

I'd cut "this can't be real", too, I feel it somehow in the way. However, minor remarks aside, this is a heart tearing poem. 

Thank you for sharing your art and its deep realities, dear Haunted.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Stunning.

----------


## AuntShecky

This one has three remarkable features:

--those short, A. R. Ammons-style lines and the tight little stanzas ("strophes")

--accomplishes something it's very hard for a writer to do and that's extend the metaphor throughout the whole poem. From beginning to end, it never loses sight of its central motif, the mirage. 

-- the word choices--"wavy, quivery" very expressive. Shows that even poems with sad themes can exhibit wit.

Splendid job. 

Yr envious auntie
"A louse in the locks of literature."

----------


## Haunted

*Bar*, I'm glad you feel the effects of this poem. I like your suggestion, it does read well. Because of the ending, I'll keep the narrative progression. As for that single line, I too find it a bit redundant. But the poem needs something to slow it down and the exclamatory emphasis seems ok. Thank you so much for your and sweet and thoughtful comment!


*Jerry*, so kind. Cheers.


Dear *Aunt*, I was really delighted by your encouraging words. Yes I try to be disciplined, so many thanks for validating that. As always your time in reading and commenting means a lot to me.

----------


## Delta40

I especially like the word quivery Haunted and the effect of the mirage on after a rainy downpour on a hot day.

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Delta*, I was trying real hard to describe a mirage. So pleased it works for you!

----------


## Haunted

*need professional help*


I don't want to impose
but the screen won't
fit back into the window
after a very bad winter

there's a slow gas leak 
I know it because
my head was just
inside the oven

I would open the window
but I need the screen
to keep the flesh flies out

if you don't mind
it's leaning over there
please watch your step
around the carrion

he is still my child

----------


## Hawkman

That's pretty bleak Haunted, but the last line's a killer. I would be inclined to change "dosen't" for "Won't" in S1, It's not essential but I think it would read better. I'd also drop a "very" from the fourth line. the emphasis of the repetition is at odds with the air of detachment which flavours the rest of the poem. I think I'd be inclined to put a stanza break after the gas leek line, and also after "carrion" in S4, to give it more punch.

S3: "Some" doesn't work here. Replace it with *the*: changing windows to window won't work because you've only asked the _other_ to replace one screen. In S4 you don't need to mention the screen again, "it's" is quite sufficient. Good poem.

Live and be well - H

----------


## aliengirl

The last line is indeed a knockout. Short line length adds to the air of detachment you've so successfully evoked. And talking of success, when don't you succeed in writing a poem in your own unique way? Love you, love your works. X

P.S.- The head in the oven is reminiscent of Sylvia Plath.

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, as always thanks for your keen eye and kind words. I totally missed the redundancy of "screen" in S4, there was a stanza before it that I took out but forgot to proof it again afterwards, it was a difficult poem to write, even harder to read back. Thanks for helping and appreciating. 

*AG*, you and your beautiful words, such rarity. Stay the lovely self that you are. Love you too. xoxo

----------


## DieterM

I'm still stunned and almost wordless. You created a whole, bleak, hopeless world out of so few & simple words! Great poem that moved me no end…

----------


## Bar22do

Are you reading Plath? but no, it's so much you, Haunted, your poetry is that ongoing Scream Munch's brush has released long ago. A very good, powerful poem indeed, hugs from me.

----------


## Haunted

*Dieter*, even when it's minimalist, there are moments I wondered if I overwrote, so thanks for your comment!

*Bar*, no Plath, just coincidence. Much appreciated your comment, makes it all worthwhile. Hugs back.

----------


## Haunted

*homecoming*


the heels would have
caused echoes like crazy
so I left them out
at the stone cold entry

I pretend it isn't 
broken porcelain
and I wasn't stepping 
in my own blood
from cuts I can't feel

against my own will
I look around and round
but I know exactly
where to find you

I thought you might
reach out and
stroke my cheek
through the glass
of the photo frame

----------


## Bar22do

You are back, Dear Haunted! this is great, welcome back!

Your poem, your very self.... poignant as yours are so often, delicately allusive, containing worlds of sorrow, the emptiness...

The last stanza is a great close of the suspense the previous have built. 

Powerful, minimalistic work, Haunted, I read it several times and will return. 

Stay here for a while, please.

----------


## hillwalker

Worth coming back for. I can say no more.

H

----------


## Jerrybaldy

FINALLY. Even Hill (the recluse on behalf of his unsightly knees and justified despise of certain contributors) welcomed you back. I will second Hills comment. It is always a wise move. This place is better for your prescence and your writing.

----------


## Haunted

Bar, always so sweet, I'm really moved! 

OMG Hill you are back! So good to hear from you, you had no idea!!!

Jerrrrrr!!!! 

Oh really good to be back, but not without you guys!!!

----------


## zoolane

> *homecoming*
> 
> 
> the heels would have
> caused echoes like crazy
> so I left them out
> at the stone cold entry
> 
> I pretend it isn't 
> ...



The poem is very poignant obvious about mother loss of child, have them in the sitting room and longs to be with that child, and also moment of reality hit hard at end.

----------


## Lykren

"I thought you might
reach out and
stroke my cheek
through the glass
of the photo frame."

Wow. Stunning. An elegant idea, so simply yet effectively put.

----------


## Haunted

*Zoo*, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!

*Lykren*, I'm so glad this part works particularly well for you. Thanks for commenting!

----------


## Haunted

*what have you done
*

at my feet
crushed cranberries

the flesh no more 
than a pile of pulp

it's only ten ounces
but it weighs

and now it is 
fast deliquescing 
like decomp

I clutch my chest
as I sink on my knees

I sweep it up
with bare hands

but the dark sticky liquid 
drips right through my fingers

my heart
oh my heart

----------


## Hawkman

Hello Haunted. Nice to see you around. Homecoming only has one flaw:

"...so I left them out
at the stone cold entry"

Entry should be "entrance" (as in doorway, not rapture  :Biggrin: ) Entry is a noun but it is the act of entering not the entrance itself.

Apart from this minor glitch it's a very good, evocative poem.

"what have you done"

Great word choices. "Deliquescing," really juicy! Very expressive and a good read. Much enjoyed.

Live and be well - H

----------


## hillwalker

Subtle, sad and understated as always.

I particularly liked this reverse statement:

_it's only ten ounces
but it weighs_

H

----------


## Jerrybaldy

It has a dark, dark beauty haunted. A miscarriage? Or the remains of your heart?

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, great to see you here too! Depending on which side of the pond you are on, "entry" is correct. Over here it means "a place of entrance, such as a door or lobby" (Oxford American Dictionary). Same definition, just different wording, from Merriam Webster. It's actually a term I picked up from poring over architectural floor plans. In the poem I pictured a foyer. I'm heeding your comment and I dont' want confusion, but in this case I'm sticking to "entry" because the "n" sound in "entrance" is a tad too heavy and nasal for the line. 

As for your "what have you done" comment, your brand of dark humor carries over and despite the subject matter it brought me a chuckle! 

*Hill*, I said that before and I'll say it again, it's such a blessing that you are back and commenting, your comments are valuable in pointing me in the right direction. Don't go anywhere!

*Jerry*, it's the latter *sniffles* I need a screwdriver right about now  :Wink:

----------


## Bar22do

I returned to 'homecoming' and had that poignant feeling in my heart again; now 'what have you done' stands here before me, this outstanding metaphor, the rhythm, the lament, contained... you are such a genuine poetess, Haunted. It's a privilege, en enriching experience and more... to read you again and again.

----------


## Jack of Hearts

What fine touch this displays. You've shown us more than a few inspired moments.







J

----------


## Jerrybaldy

:Auto:  taa daah! (arrives with screwdriver)  :Party:

----------


## Haunted

*Jerry* to the rescue! x

*Bar*, you are so kind, so sweet. You have such depth as a reader and an accomplished poet yourself. 

*Jack*, means a lot to me, thanks

----------


## Haunted

*one story
*


I know these stairs 
to second floor bedrooms
up and down so million times
that I can tell the risers 
have gotten taller

after two steps up 
joint pain radiates like fire
burning from the roots
of a family tree
I grab the bannisters
the only bona fide support system

at the half landing
I catch a deep breath
at this altitude the air is thinner
lightheadedness adds 
to the confusion

my hand slips off the iced up railing 
I continue the climb slowly
on both hands

after an hour
I reach the top
and collapse

face resting on the ground
I have a panoramic view
of nothing

I run my chapped fingertips 
over the arctic white carpet
feeling for remnants

there must be a hair somewhere
to suggest that he isn't gone

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunt. A good strong poem here, but I'd query S1 L5: The only thing the it can refer to in context is the thought and this would appear to be that the risers are taller. but the poem is in present tense and the thought occurs today, so it kind of contradicts itself and doesn't really make sense. To be honest you don't really need this line.

The other line I'd query is, "the only bona fide support system." it's a bit of a lonely comment amid all the excellent description. Where the rest of the poem shows, this tells. I guess you could either cut the line and combine the first line of the next stanza with "I grab the banisters" to make a discrete stanza, cut the line or replace it.

Apart from these two tiny issues its a good poem which takes us on a journey up the stairs and delivers its punchline on target. I like it.

Live and be well - H

----------


## hillwalker

*Hawk* is spot on with his disapproval of Line 5 - it brought me up short as well. What's the 'it'? The number of times you climbed the stairs presumably but it could be misinterpreted and is a distraction.

I'm also not so keen on 'definitely' in line 7. You're describing their physical properties but I feel it would be more effective if you stuck to *showing* us how they seem steeper as your footsteps falter... just my opinion.

I don't have such a problem with line 14 - it's foreshadowing what will follow; the narrator left in isolation inside her icy tower.

I could recommend another cut or two to tighten this but overall a very effective piece.

I particularly like the play on words within the title.

H

----------


## Mojtaba-Iraqi

I hope I'm not bothering you, but would you please explain its connotations to me?

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Hawk* and *Hill*. 

You both echo what was in my head when I was throwing this together, about L5. In fact I had a problem with both L4 and L5 (up down up down a million times / I don't think it anymore.) I'm losing both lines. It's just something of my anecdotal experience, I go up and down the stairs so many times, I do it automatically without thinking, the climbing up, and coming down. Until the day the climbing feels so much harder.

The line "the only bona fide support system" is one I actually like, Hawk. I know what you mean, it's a comment and might be out of place, but one can still inject a thought in a description of an event, and it goes with the destruction of the family tree, as family is still one of the greatest support system in our lives. Just now closed up the space and combined the two stanzas into one thought. 

Hill I get what you mean about "definitely". There should be a better way, it's so not elegant and shows laziness, but think (and hope) the strain from going up the first two steps answers that. And yes, it's a bit wordy for my liking too, but opted to preserve the sentiments in this particular one, since it's autobiographical. Very pleased that you noticed the little play in the title. 


*MI*, no bother at all, I really appreciated your interest in the piece. It's about losing a family member who lived in the same house. The persona dreads going upstairs to where she used to find him, knowing she won't find him there anymore. So climbing up the stairs becomes really grueling, psychosomatically, as though she is actually climbing a steep mountain, or even Mt. Everest, and succumbing to panic attacks along the way. Searching for a hair is a compulsive act as we treasure a lock of hair from loved ones, or fur clippings of a pet. Hope this makes sense to you, I welcome your feedback.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

The closing lines , I love good closing lines. You write the poetry I connect to. *clink*

----------


## Mojtaba-Iraqi

I have nothing to add but to express my admiration. That was a brilliant work. As mentioned by previous commenters, you beautifully brought the text into a successful end. I really enjoyed this pessimism in the text. Moreover, psychologically it is proved that a pessimist person tends to be more logical than an optimist. That's what made your poem distinct.

----------


## Haunted

*Jerry* you are a gem *clink*

*MI*, you are too kind, and thanks for gracing this thread!

Hill, I"m paring down some more, taking out the squeaking steps stanza. I can flesh that out and it can be a poem by itself. Here it seems to be getting in the way. Also tried to replace "definitely" but it became indefinitely worse! I'll see if I can fix it.....

----------


## Bar22do

> *one story
> *
> 
> 
> I know these stairs 
> from foyer to 
> second floor bedrooms
> up and down million times
> but today the risers 
> ...


The end here is poignant; you build the tension through the poem wonderfully, though I'd tend to join hill in his suggestion to pare down the poem here and there to make it even stronger. Always so rewarding to read you, Haunted! Thank you and am waiting for more...

----------


## Haunted

Bar, thanks for the valuable input. I know what else to cut, in addition to what I already clipped out, for a tighter construction, though I can't lose too much as I need a certain length for the built-up in order for the end to be effective. As always I enjoy your comments and critique and likewise, also on the lookout for your new work.

----------


## zoolane

Lovely poem not sure what else to say.

----------


## Haunted

thanks *Zoo*, short and sweet is you!

----------


## firefangled

You do leave me wanting more of this story

----------


## Haunted

*Fire*, it didn't even occur to me that it fell short of fleshing out the story leading up to the stair climbing, which, at least for me, _is_ the story. So it's fair to question where's the story behind the story. It's an interesting thought that's worth some further exploring, so thanks for the feedback!

----------


## Haunted

*clockwise*


are you getting 
goosebumps
I am tingling 
with a billion 
butterflies

for the few seconds 
when your hand moves
so instinctually over mine 
the sun and the moon
and the Halley's comet
stop in their tracks
and I melt

do you believe in eternity
will we have a future 
what if you knew my past
would you still come around
in the next hour

or will we one day be stuck 
at opposite ends
citing unreconcilable
differences

(previous)
*timing*


are you getting 
goosebumps
I am tingling 
with a billion 
butterflies

for those seconds 
when your hand moves
so instinctually 
and unhesitatingly
over mine 
the sun and the moon
and the Halley's Comet
stop in their tracks
and I melt
like the Dalí painting

do you believe in eternity
or is it just a concept
will we have a future 
what if you learn my past
would you still come around
like clockwork

----------


## DieterM

Hi Haunted,
a bit surprised by the positive tone of the poem - no one dies, no one is left, no ghosts ;-) Positively surprised, do I have to point that out? Not that I don't love your other poems, but these just were THE lines I needed this morning. I just wonder whether the poem wouldn't have more impact if you left out the first stanza? The goosepumps and butterflies (I'm rather too fond of them, too, in my own writing) are not all that original, I know (and still use them *sigh*, always the romantic dude). Another minor quibble, it's not the Dali painting that melts, but precisely the clocks. "like Dali clocks" would give the ending away too soon, I'm aware of that; how about "and I melt like Dali hours"? Not the best of suggestions… Another little thing: why didn't you use "learned" in line4 of the 3rd stanza (which would fit better with the "would" in the following line)? 

All in all, though, I really enjoyed this.

----------


## Bar22do

Haunted, what a change of perspective! It's a simple, quiet poem, but intense; the shy emotion awakes hesitations, but wants to (and allows) hope... 

I agree with Dieter regarding "learnED" and Dali's melting clocks, plus would suggest that you find another image for melting, since Dali, if I'm not mistaken, alluded in those paintings to the time's decomposing effects while the melting of your poem's "I" is more of an opening to a (hopefully) building relation. 

"Do you believe in eternity/or is it just a concept" - would deserve a discussion, as for me abstract ideas, the moment they're thought, become reality (the density of which may vary) and therefore "just" reads superfluous. 

Just my little observations...

I enjoyed and thank you for your sharing this piece illumined with a soft light.

----------


## hillwalker

More optimistic than some of your material but still asking questions of what relationships signify.
The closing verse in my opinion suffers because of those first two lines but the rest of your poem is another gem.

It's about time yoy changed the self-deprecating title of your thread!

H

----------


## Haunted

*Dieter*, *Bar* and *Hill*  it's "positive" and "optimistic" only because I cut out the last stanza. Surprise!

*Dieter*, you're so funny. In my original version, someone did leave, but glad I left it out or else it would ruin your morning! I totally fudged up the poem though. I can see how the first stanza may sound cliche, but it would only be cliche if spoken by people. That thought actually came from an inanimate object, but when I was shortening the poem, some of the clues got lost. I couldn't say Dali clock because it is a clock! LOL. Couldn't give that away, although I'm doing it now. I have to put back some lines and re-post it. The "learn" is intentional and thought I could get away with it. oh well...

*Bar*, do I dare return to an earlier version that is less hopeful? I probably will, this is so unfinished! I'll fix the conditional, I get obsessive over word counts and letter counts... I hated that extra 2 characters, makes the line longer. I'm crazy like that.... About the Dali clock, it's commonly referred to as the "melting clock" and the original poem was about a "decomposing" relationship. The "eternity" lines is me moving into a "voice" poem, that was my genre. But the words didn't come out right and you are right in pointing them out. 

*Hill*, I"ll see what I can do about those two lines, I like it but not the way it's written. Change the title of my thread? No!! What would I change it to, add a superlative perhaps, "A boring collection of the trashest poems". That's the direction it's heading these days, I have rocks in my head!

A big thanks to all, very constructive comments. I will post a revision.

----------


## Bar22do

Your "less hopeful" version, Haunted, resembles you better (I'm afraid). You're now going with your voice. Before, I did have an impression it wasn't exactly YOU (though for your personal life I wish you had simple love, sure and forever happy, ah).

I still have some problem with 'right here on the table/inside Dali's painting,' I may miss something, but would prefer S2 to end simply at "am melting."

Waiting for developments of this!

----------


## hillwalker

Like your second version - missed the metaphor completely in your first!

'the Halley's comet' should be 'Halley's comet' methinks.

H

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Great opening this time, Haunted and divoirce is the best of endings  :Smile:  I love to read you.

----------


## Haunted

*Bar*, I certainly feel more comfortable with this version, I over-edited it the first time trying to put a positive spin but that turned disastrous. I don't like how that "painting" lines read either. I agree ending with "melt", it's a good place for a commercial break, so to speak. I put "clock" upfront into the title to take away the guesswork and strengthens the metaphor. Thanks for the close read and valuable input!

*Hill*, really glad you preferred this version, it's also my preference. The first version wasn't any good at all and your feedback about its clarity (or the lack of) is much appreciated.

*Jerry*, same here, fan of your work too and guess what, your "God at the Rise and Crown" inspired my next poem so stay tuned. I'd like to think of divorce as a new beginning *clink*

----------


## Haunted

*how to heal a painful past
*

here I am on a cliff 
in Los Alamos staring 
at a wild bush of ancient hair 
white, electrified 
like a florescence of fiber optics 
so brilliant my eye tears

I came a thousand miles 
to hear it straight from him
the one and only timeless truth

"this is real"

I almost choke 
I fall into his arms

he pops open a 1955 vintage 
bottled just yesterday

"they exist at the same time
past, present, and future
like triplets of the universe"

so that's it
so simple
one quantum leap back
and I can be there again
to kiss it all better
the mother of all wounds

I'm ready to jump
he throws his goblet
down the gaping, echo-y canyon
as if to resonate

"pain is no different 
than happiness

it's all relative"

----------


## hillwalker

Interesting exploration of reality or relativity - a Mexican Einstein.

May one politely ask 'What's a gobbler?'
I thought I'd ask before Jerry gave you the UK interpretation.

H

----------


## Haunted

Oh dear, it should be "goblet". I got it confused with "tumbler", cross contamination! I fear to hear what the UK interpretation, especially coming from Jerry  :Wink:  Fixed!

And the other thing  New Mexico is the state of New Mexico where Los Alamos National Laboratory situates. I didn't say Los Alamos because I thought it might be too obvious, but I totally forgot there are non US readers. I can't t think of anything inbetween so I"m going to swop it and see what others say. Thanks *Hill* for the feedback!

----------


## hillwalker

The term 'provider of oral services' explains one UK interpretation of 'gobbler'.

H

----------


## AuntShecky

Hi Haunted, sorry to say I've been lax in keeping up with the personal poetry forum because of all the time spent on the "Lyin' King" novella, still not done btw, but getting there. Anyway, I saw your thread and went back to read the ones from September to now--

Liked "What Have You Done" for the effective line breaks (arrangement on the page) and esp., as Hawkman pointed out, for the "juicy" verbs and imagery, albeit gory in a metaphorical way. Stairway poem really accessible, true to life, doesn't get bogged down with lots of metaphysics; same with "clockwise" -- despite the mechanical title,it's earthy and sensual like some of the stuff by Sharon Olds. I got the Los Alamos reference, but again, I'm glad you didn't hit us with a sledgehammer(or an "atomic flyswatter." It's not entirely historical accurate --Einstein's famous letter _warned_ rather than advocated the development of atomic weapons, which physicists like Oppenheimer and Fermi worked on. Also,it's my understanding that the theory of quantum mechanics (and string theory later) was presented by physicists who were looking for an alternative to Einstein's explanation of the Universe. (I'm not a scientist, I don't even play one on TV, but that's where I get all my scientific info.) Still, the tangible imagery allows "travel log" accessibility -- the bottle of wine vintage 1955 (a decade after The Event) is cute; as a whole the piece is whimsical rather than polemic, refreshingly so, since the topic is usually treated with dead seriousness, but your piece cleverly avoids the earnestly-wrought clichés.

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunted, like this one rather a lot. My literal mind has a problem with "on a cliff in Los Alamos" because all I see is the flat desert. Maybe on the tower would be better? Corked is the wrong word to use, I think you mean bottled, because "corked" is a term for wine which has gone bad, having reacted with the cork. Consequently it doesn't quite make sense as worded. But these are minor quibbles. I like what the poem has to say and the ideas you're playing with, though why you have a thing for Einstein is a bit of a mystery  :Biggrin:  refreshingly original.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Bar22do

The subtle complexity of this poem is breathtaking, Haunted. Its power imposes a deep reflection, the nucleus of which is humanity, around which circle so many deriving thoughts. You surpass yourself and - what a privilege to be in touch with your depths! Thanks a lot.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

God at the Rose and Crown inspired this? Well, it did some good  :Smile:  You definitely outdid it  :Biggrin:

----------


## Haunted

Yikes *Hill*, that made it a turkey of a blunder! 

*Jerry*, your _God at the Rose and Crown_ indeed inspired this. I'll explain, this will also help answer some of the comments. 

Lately I'm a bit obsessed with the concept of time, with the aspect that one can reach back to the past. (Yes, there are ways.) Someone pointed me to Einstein and according to him, the separation of the past, present and future is just an illusion. 

So you are right, *Auntie*, the reference to Einstein has nothing to do with the atom bomb. Some said Einstein was never even in Los Alamos, but because of the Manhattan Project, I figured I'd use the association. 

Los Alamos is symbolically useful: It is canyon country — no, *Hawk*, it's isn't flat, check this out. It's just so perfect as a metaphor, where the persona is literally on a cliffhanger learning that she can go back in time, and also a nice high ground for a leap, as doing the whole quantum leap thing, and the actual jumping, just being in character  :Wink: 

Anyway I wanted to write about "time" and was thinking of a technique when suddenly, *Jerry*'s poem, God at the Rose and Crown, popped into my head. I had previously commented on it and it's really an exceptional and memorable piece. Then it hit me Jerry, if you can talk to God, I can talk to Einstein! Thank you very much, you get full credit!

*Hawk*, I didn't know that definition of "corked', I just thought of it as corking the bottle. I originally wrote "bottled" but changed it because I needed to say "bottle" in the previous line. I'll have to come up with something else. I'm really glad you like it, it turned out not having the effect as I had planned, but I wouldn't know what to change.

*Auntie*, The "Lyin' King" novella sounds intriguing, good luck! I'm so appreciative that you'd take the time to read my old stuff, and really pleased that it pleased you! The "juicy" poem worked the way I intended, and I just barely got "clockwise" to work, phew!!! About being historically incorrect with the Einstein stuff here, there's so much I don't know, and it isn't exactly sinking in, as I'm just reading bits and pieces whenever I find time which is like never, so there isn't much for accuracy but more an exploration of time as well as an exercise of poetics. 

*Bar*, thank you so much for your kind words, as always. It is a rather ambitious subject and I certainly didn't give it justice. The poem is coming up short, but knowing that you get the sense of it, its so very rewarding.

----------


## Bar22do

Your explanation, Haunted, was very instructive, because actually I read your poem from a slightly different perspective. But since there seems not to be conscience of time (linear or otherwise) except in man, I may still have grasped a hair of your reflection... Wonderful poem, Haunted. Thanks again.

----------


## Haunted

Ah. *Bar* you just gave me an idea. I am changing the title to something more transparent so the rest of the poem can be more readily understood. The original "travel log" refers to the travel to Los Alamos, and also the trip back to the past but it is obscured unless one gets what's going on in the poem, and apparently it isn't as easy to grasp as I had hoped. The poem doesn't scream "spacetime" and I really don't want it to, it's not the center of the poem. So, at the risk of hitting people over the head with it, I'm going to establish the subject right from the get go, this way, it would help in following the train of thought as the poem unfolds. New title coming up....

----------


## firefangled

Very good read. I got the feeling it was the receiving of the quantum 1 commandment E-mc2.

----------


## Delta40

so that's it
so simple
one quantum leap back
and I can be there again
to kiss it all better
the mother of all wounds

excellent writing Haunted.

----------


## Haunted

Thanks so much, *Fire* and *Delta*, it's reassuring and I really appreciated it after wrestling with it for so long.

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunt. Fair comment about Los Alamos and thanks for the link. We learn something new every day  :Biggrin:  Generally a good edit. The only thing I'd quibble at is "as if to resonate" resonate what? given the context, "and it resonates" would make more sense here as it would then connect directly with the cup in the echoey canyon. Just a thought.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

Good catch *Hawk*, I was using "resonate" to mean the reverberations within the canyon, and also contextually in the sense of reaching an agreement that both pain and happiness are relative. Did I phrase it correctly, taking into consideration of both meanings? Maybe, "as if trying to resonate", or "in an attempt to resonate"... I don't know....have rocks in my head this morning, oh, its almost pm.

I can see how you would think Los Alamos was flat. The whole area is a semidesert and most people picture deserts as a flat piece of sand that stretches for miles, like the Sahara. Here, maybe certain parts of Nevada, I really don't know that area too well, just that I've driven through miles upon miles of flat desert from LA to Vegas. But Los Alamos is in New Mexico which the state just below Colorado which has some really great mountains for skiing and even hosted the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, and Los Alamos is part of that regional landscape. Maybe it's part of the Rockies? And while I was looking it up on the map, I spotted a place called Truth or Consequences south of Los Alamos. What a name. Imagine spinning a poem out of that destination....

----------


## Haunted

*revealed*


a friend found out
from another friend
who found out that heaven 
is actually a few feet 
above where we are standing

as I confide in him
I measure by eye
that heaven starts
roughly around his ribs 
while he leans over
the slick quartz counter
and laces my virgin bloody mary
with a pinch of sin

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunt. Nice little poem but you've got a slight problem in the expression in S2. As written, it says that the slick quartz counter is lacing your Bloody Mary with sin. Easy fix: "and laces..." As this would flow from the preceding concept without incongruous ambiguity.

Nice wry humour in this piece with a little bite. Much enjoyed.

Live and be well - H

----------


## hillwalker

Nicely suggestive - though I'd expect the narrator's version of heaven to be a few inches below the ribs.

H

----------


## Bar22do

Walker's going down the hill! though I must confess I had the same thought,  :Smile:  Haunted. Loved the wit of your poem!

----------


## qimissung

Love it, Haunted! You are the mistress of suggestion!

----------


## Haunted

Thanks *Hawk*, I didn't see that, I'll fix it. So glad you enjoyed it. 

*Hill*, you have no idea how many different body parts I have auditioned, from buns to booties to Elvis pelvis  :Biggrin: . But I decided on ribs. It's not the most interesting, I admit, but it's got the biblical reference. And I didn't want to give it away so early and quite frankly, I couldn't come up with anything else half decent!

*Bar*, I figured you would. Thanks!

Thanks *Qim*, that made my day  :Smile:

----------


## Jerrybaldy

I nearly missed this one. Damn you, single thread!  :Biggrin:  
I enjoyed your devilish side, Haunted  :Wink:  Those closing four lines are straight from hell. I love them.

----------


## Haunted

So glad you found this Jerry and thanks for your comment!

----------


## Haunted

* about to post a new half baked trashy poem, bumping this down to start on a new page *

----------


## Haunted

* again *

----------


## Haunted

* one more *

----------


## Haunted

*Santa's list
*

nothin' crazy
just a camera

naturally the best possible 
resolution on earth

one with the most pixels
to pick up the least palpable 
that are their faces
and the peace 
that has become their eyes

I would also like optical zoom 
to pull them close

and infrared lenses
for that extra spectral clarity

and thermal imaging 
to chart the orbs as they float 
as elusive as sheer white oregano
while I sit in the dark room

waiting
wailing
waning

Santa, if you're real
_f*cking bring them home for Christmas_

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunt: There's a bit of a problem with S3: 

"one with the most pixels
to pick up the least palpable 
that are their faces"

there are acouple of things about the underlined which jar a bit. The declension in the third line here is not in agreement with line 2 and line 2 reads as incomplete. "Least palpable is a long way of saying impalpable, perfectly good word, but where you say "are their" afterwardes, you need to have something after the plapable word so that the specific of faces agrees with the expression. A word like 'traces' would do this.

not sure about most in the first line here either. 

"one with enough pixels
to catch the impalpable traces
of their faces"

would probably be the most elegent way to say this. 

S6 L3 you can drop the first "as" because you don't need it.

"waiting
wailing
waning"

I'm not sure about this verse, but I can see why you'd want it. However, it's impact would be improved by making "waiting" the last word. Wailing and waning are weak, with soft consonants, whereas "t" is a hard aggressive sound. it needs to be the one which ends the stanza, otherwise it comes over as weak. I'd use waning first and waiting last.

Lastly, given the title, To Santa, the penultimate line doesn't really agree with the idea of the letter to Santa. The title and body of the the text imply that Santa is being addressed directly, so, "if you're real" would make more sense in context.

Overalll though, the poem is very effective in conveying a sense of lonliness and loss, reaching out to the ephemeral and expressing greif.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Bar22do

Amazing, how you convey desperation and sorrow here. Newtown come to mind, of course. But not only. You surpass yourself in originality, Haunted. Thanks a lot for this one. And my warmest wishes for a magic Christmas and a blessed New Year to you and yours, as well as to our common linnet-friends! (I'm so little available these days, have moments to read a piece or two, here and there. Please forgive my hastily reactions!)

----------


## qimissung

_"extra spectral clarity"_-I like this line. It's a good poem, Haunted. I think Hawkman makes some good points, but on the whole, you get the point of love and loss and being extraneous to your loved ones across quite effectively.

I like your last line a lot, too.  :Biggrin:

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, "if you're real" works! I had been rewriting that line over and over, this sounds most direct. Regarding the 3 "least palpable" lines, I wasn't thinking of the word "impalpable" at all, just "least palpable, yes, seriously. There is something tangible about the paranormal. Grammar-wise, one might expect a noun after "least palpable", but I wrote it to be similar in construct to "the least obvious" which doesn't require a noun, it is the noun. I do like your version, it's smooth and certainly grammatical, but it lost something for me. I could grammarize it and rewrite it as "least palpable/as their faces" but for now I'll keep its original form, for even if it misses grammatically, it's punchier. Your comment on "waiting/wailing/waning" is spot on, with the soft consonants, but that is intentional — it's meant for a fading effect, as one becomes emotionally drained and reduced to nothing. All in all this is another piece that's been a challenge to write, and your attention to details is hugely appreciated!

*Bar*, I'm really glad you have had a moment to leave a comment, and being so supportive and sweet as you always are. Happy holidays!

*Qim*, thanks so much! Who knew, the f word is a crowd pleaser  :Biggrin:

----------


## Haunted

*tom*


I can't remember the last time
but the first time 
was some awakening 

there he was
on my bed
curved into me
without my consent

but he was crazy 
and I love crazy...

a wound-up mountain lion 
morbidly mighty 
stopping at nothing 
next he'd be the softest teddy
and so I let him act out his beast

he was the first thing I saw each day
he'd look me lazily with one eye
like I didn't deserve both 
but that just made me laugh
at night he'd give me an earful
if _his_ bed — me —
wasn't ready on demand 

all this for fourteen years
and I can't remember the last time

the last time 
we slept together

they said it'd come back 
with time 
(or not)

but I do remember the first time
when I got down and crawled 
to the forbidding shadow 
where he lay

and once again 
we were sleeping together 
even if it was
on the dusky floor 

I dabbed his decrepit face 
until the cotton ran out
and there was nothing left
nothing but a small set of bones
under paper-thin skin

the last time he took his breath
it was a very strange day
the world was wrapped in sun
but at the same time 
it was raining cats and tears



~ ~ ~ ~


for Tiger
1994 - 2012

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunt. 

There are a couple of things to pick up on in this poem. Generally the emotion of the piece, the memeno rmori aspect is well realised, but I feel the poem suffers a little from being a tiny bit over written, and there are some peculiar word choices on occasion. There is a danger, when communicating intensely personal memories, either to become obscure or throw in unnecessary exposition.

The first thing which jarred for me as a reader, was "morbidly mighty" Perhaps you really meant this or perhaps you meant something else, but the image of sickly unwholesomeness seems to be at odds with the image of a mountain lion. It conjours the image of a morbidly obese mountain lion! Quite frankly it's over egging the pudding and could be dropped with no ill effects. Another thing about this verse is your use of "but next" for this to sit comfortably, the stanza reall should begin with "one moment..." or a similar expression. The conjunction "but" might be better as "the" in this case. It works as it is though.

S5: "if his bed — that would be me —" This jars a bit. Much too wordy in the exposition and the style of an aside breaks the connection to the moment. Much better to just say: "if I, his bed,"

Likewise with the parenthesised "(or not)" completely superfluous. It should be dropped.

"but I do remember the first time
when I crawled to the shadow 
where he lay
and once again 
we were sleeping together 
even if it was on the dusky
unforgiving floor"

This verse has a problem in the construction. In the first line you say "but I do remember the first time" but the fourth line then says, "and once again." It cant' be a first time if it's an, again! This verse really needs re writing so that all the elements agree.

My favourite bit:

"he was the first thing I saw each day
he'd look me lazily with one eye
like I didn't deserve both 
but that just made me laugh..."

and the poignancy of the penultimate verse is well realised.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Delta40

I was never a critic Haunted but your writing is so powerful now and wonderful. It's a joy to read. Have you been published yet?

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, thanks again, as always, for your lengthy and indepth comment, and your observations are all good and correct. It took me like, 4 months to complete this, trying to stay relevant. I wanted to record a tale, abridged, with a condensed timeline and some personal thoughts and sentiments along the way. With that ambition it started out truly overwritten and I've already cut one or two stanzas as I was finishing this. I think I'm ok with the content right now, it's a tad long for my own taste but I can't think of a way to shorten it yet keeping it the same, because the poem also needs to be relevant to me as well, since it's a personal piece, with a dedication. 




> The first thing which jarred for me as a reader, was "morbidly mighty" Perhaps you really meant this or perhaps you meant something else, but the image of sickly unwholesomeness seems to be at odds with the image of a mountain lion. It conjours the image of a morbidly obese mountain lion! Quite frankly it's over egging the pudding and could be dropped with no ill effects.


"A morbidly obese mountain lion", good lord no! I"m using "mighty" here just to describe strength and power, not size. I combined it with "morbidly" to allude to his hunts and kills, that's all. It's an aspect of his character so I want to leave it in. I'll dangle it out and see if anyone else comes to your "unwholesome" conclusion :=D




> Another thing about this verse is your use of "but next" for this to sit comfortably, the stanza reall should begin with "one moment..." or a similar expression. The conjunction "but" might be better as "the" in this case. It works as it is though.


I knew something was missing! But I don't really write complete sentences in poetry, only contracted forms so instead of adding "moment..." to make a smooth sentence which isn't really my thing, I'll change how the "next" line is written, I"ll see if I can contract it a bit more.




> S5: "if his bed  that would be me " This jars a bit. Much too wordy in the exposition and the style of an aside breaks the connection to the moment. Much better to just say: "if I, his bed,"


Totally agree. I just threw it in there quickly, wasn't happy with it. I've rewritten it. 




> Likewise with the parenthesised "(or not)" completely superfluous. It should be dropped.


That's a self-conscious thought, yes. Wordy, yes. But I need that to complete that thought because it really isn't coming back....




> This verse has a problem in the construction. In the first line you say "but I do remember the first time" but the fourth line then says, "and once again." It cant' be a first time if it's an, again! This verse really needs re writing so that all the elements agree.


THe "first time" refers to the crawling over. "Once again" refers to what happens after that. It's sequential, same event but not the same actions. If it's confusing I'll split up the stanza and see. 

Lots of great feedback and ideas for improvement, thanks so much for your time and intensive reading, much appreciated!!!!


*Delta*, thanks for popping in with such kind words. I have some thoughts to share with you and I want to devote some time to it, I'll get back to you in a little bit.

----------


## qimissung

What if you did something like this:

I don't remember the last time

the last time 
we slept together

but the first time
the first time

I crawled...


Oh Haunted, so sad! I felt it all. It's beautiful. What a lovely tribute for Tiger.

----------


## Haunted

> I was never a critic Haunted but your writing is so powerful now and wonderful. It's a joy to read. Have you been published yet?


*Delta*, thanks for your comment and patience. I was thinking the same of you, and I think I have already said that in comments posted to your poems. There are a few people here that have the weight to carry an anthology of their own and you are one of them. Your persona as the domestic diva has its charm and is tremendous fun to read. And now you've grown darker, it gives your writing another dimension. Your use of metaphors and how tightly you've spun them, it's a work of art. I used to do that a lot, but then I took a different approach but admire it when others do it. I hope I get to read your published work one day.

I just have had a few loose pieces floating out there, since then my editor passed away and I lost interest in poetry writing altogether. I did return to poetry but dropped off again. This is Poetry 3.0. My style has changed a lot and to be honest I really don't know what I'm doing  :Confused: 





> What if you did something like this:
> 
> I don't remember the last time
> 
> the last time 
> we slept together
> 
> but the first time
> the first time
> ...


*Qim*, funny you suggested that, I have experimented with that but abandoned it as I already have a few repetitions — "nothing" is repeated in a later stanza — and I tried to avoid overusing it. But repetition is indeed a technique here since it's showing someone who is obviously stuck. I've just revised it, I think it works. Thanks so much for reading and the precious comment, I'm really moved. (I hope he likes it too  :Angelsad2: )

----------


## firefangled

Haunted, this is a beautiful, well written tribute. I understand how you must feel; recently I lost a cat named Rascal, very similar to your apt description of Tiger.

Every word was precious.

----------


## Haunted

*Fire*, thanks so much for gracing this poem with equally beautiful words. And it means a lot to me because I started writing this since September and I struggled so much with it on so many levels, so I'm really gratified you can relate and also share with me your own precious Rascal. There's sure similarity  Tiger was a rascal too, with a capital R! Your comment was reassuring and comforting and I thank you again for taking the time.

----------


## deryk

> *tom*
> 
> 
> I can't remember the last time
> but the first time 
> was some awakening 
> 
> there he was
> on my bed
> ...


There is a lot of emotionally energized contrast in this poem. Along with the plain, truth-honed words, the poem paints a very stark and real image. I appreciated it for that. But what also caught my attention was a coincidence. I've been writing a poem about my father manifesting as the ghost of a dog, who shares the same name as your lost animal. Maybe it's an omen.

----------


## Haunted

Oh wow *deryk*, that's what I'd call an omen, yes. You've got to write it! It sounds really unique and I'll love to read it, I'll keep an eye out for it. And many thanks for your comment!

----------


## Haunted

*I wonder how you are
*


how's the weather there
have you made new friends
is the food agreeable 
do you enjoy the sparrows 
the bats and the chipmunks
as much as before

I still put water out for you
filtered and kept cool
in the same metal bowl

for my tabs
I just use plain tap water 
I'm taking more
_I can't sleep at night
_
have you regained some weight
is the sun stroking your back 
has it rid you of the subcutaneous cold

are you over it now
that ten prolonged minutes 
on the stainless steel table 
I did not stop in time 

would you forgive me
for what I did shorten
by one day 
perhaps a week 
or were we merely counting hours
on one hand

----------


## kittypaws

Cats are cool....they are so independent that is why I am envious of them!

kittypaws

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunted, nice to see you posting again  :Smile: 

The "I've added" in S5 L2 confuses the sense of the verse, so I'd be inclined to drop it. The first line of S6 just doesn't make sense, I'm afraid. You really need to take a look at that line and decide what it is you actually want to say. To enhance the flow of the narrative I'd recommend swapping the order of "for my tabs" & "I just use plain tap water" in S3. It'll read much better if you do this.

Apart from my quibbles I think this is a good piece, although I do prefer punctuation in my poems  :Wink: 

I love the opening line. I'm sure the departed kitty is enjoying his time in Elysium.

Live and be well - H

----------


## DieterM

hey, h., your poem had a strong echo with me as it's been less than two months that my dog left for the Elysean fields, too. Am glad I read Hawkman's comment, too, because I thought it was only stupid me who didn't grab the meaning of the S6 opening line. Same liking here for the opening lines, they remind me of some lines out of a Sinnead O'Connor song ("Troy"). Good to read you!

----------


## Jerrybaldy

I am not a man who keeps pets. But I could not fail to see the pathos and poignancy you captured in S5. Time to move on though maybe Haunted. Your station is somewhere down the line. No need to catch the express and miss the journey. X

----------


## Haunted

A belated thank you to all 

*kittypaws*, so sweet of you, loved the cat comment.

*Hawk*, as always, thanks for helping me improve, I've made some edits. 

*Dieter*, I'm sorry about your dog! Even in your grief your words are comforting and beautiful. 

*Jerry*, thanks for looking out for me x

----------


## Jerrybaldy

It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it  :Smile:

----------


## Haunted

*the green line*


it follows a fixed path
from left to right

springy like a grasshopper 
it jumps up a few times 
lays low 
and starts all over again

and so it seems happy-go-lucky 
until the seasons end
and the bone chilling cold 
stops it in its tracks

then ever so slightly
a twitch 
and another

I hold my breath
hope hangs in the air
like the smallest snowflake

it's just reflex
the nurse says

my father looks on
he isn't blinking

I'm sorry for your loss
she adds in a voice as flat 
as the bright green line

without closing his eyelids
she disconnects the wires

----------


## Hawkman

A remarkably vivid evocation of those last moments, Haunted. The poem definitely puts the reader in the room, as it were. Very well written; captures the emotions of the moment and presents them without fuss. Very powerful piece.

Live and be well- H

----------


## Evan Shaw

Independence Day

Fireworks exploding, reminiscent of Francis Scott Key
That Ode he wrote to victory,
So beyond adequately. Play ball!
Cannot capture the essence of that rapture.
When the Flag was waving still. 
No wonder he took up his quill!

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, thank you so very much. Really nice to know I was able to convey it to you. This was one of those which I wasn't sure about.

*Evan*, a little bit of a surprise holiday contribution. Curious why you'd choose to post here, considering all this gloom and doom from the last few entries. I'm not seeing any connection other than the date/day of posting itself. Didn't it deserve its own thread? I did enjoy it.

----------


## AuntShecky

Hi Haunted, your latest piece is indeed poignant and despite the morose topic, wit shines through, namely likening the topic to the movement of an insect, similarly green. I also envy your ability to shape short lines.

(And Evan, please don't bury your work in other LitNutter's threads as it deserves its own spotlight. Why not put all your work in a convenient single thread, with later poems posted as "replies" just as others have done: Haunted, Loksenna, DocHeart, and another LitNutter whose name escapes me.) :Blush: 

Auntie

----------


## Jerrybaldy

I was a while in before I realised what the green line was. I was thinking it was some ropey metaphor. I should have known better. Think the last two lines would be better shortened. The slow adding of detail is brilliant. So well written and so well handled. Beautifully understated.

----------


## angliholic

I didn't find any trash at all
It's a pity
it has been turned into gold

----------


## Haunted

*Auntie*, thanks very much for your kind words. Short lines have their perils but really glad it worked for you. 

*Jerry*, you are absolutely right. I struggled with last 2 lines, felt they could be tightened. Done. Good call x. 

*angliholic*, you are so kind. Noticed you started your own thread. Will visit when I have more time later this week or next.

----------


## angliholic

Take your time and all the best to you and your poetry of gold

----------


## Haunted

*coffee*


fresh brew is smooth 
calm and clear like a dark mirror 
and when the cream touches
the swirls are crisp
like calligraphy 
penned by a genuine artist 

instant… on the other hand
is foamy, crude
made up on the spot to please 
only to dissolve into nothing
a pretender at best

with that in mind 
I'd like to thank you
for the coffee

as you take your sip
to carefully form a conversation 

just so you know
I can tell the difference

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunt, I really like this one. The coffee analogy works well as an extended metaphor. I have a couple of observations though. I feel that the last line of S1 slightly over extends the verse. for me, the natural place for the verse to stop is at artist: "on an enchanting invite" feels a bit weak.

The second point is the line break at S2 L3. This feels unnatural. I can see why you wanted to end the line at spot, it's a stronger word with a harder consonant, but everywhere else in the poem the individual lines represent complete thoughts/clauses, as it were. To follow this pattern I'd have started the next line at "but". I wonder if you shouldn't drop "to please" altogether. Just a thought. 

Lastly the final line is a bit weak, ending the line with is... hmmm. Maybe, "I can tell the difference" is a bit more subtle and still conveys the same message.

Always good to see your work gracing the boards.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, agreed totally with everything you said. The "invite' line is just window dressing, to match the "thank you for the coffee" bit. Not really necessary though. Regarding the line break, I realized the mistake after I clicked "post", but too lazy to fix it. And I got caught, lol. Made the changes. Oh, great suggestion for last line. Thanks so much!

----------


## Delta40

Oh the company you must keep! Which is it I wonder? You got me thinking with this one Haunted.

----------


## Haunted

*Delta*, lol. So true though. There are a lot of tells if you pay attention. Most are benign, thankfully. Thanks for popping in!

----------


## blank|verse

Thats a nicely observed moment of the sort of (un)conscious judgements we make of others, Haunted. The personification in the line a pretender at best is slyly humorous and shifts the poem subtly onto a figurative level.

It puts me in mind of Charles Simics At the Cookout, in which the male narrator is looking at his wife and her friends laughing at something, but he doesnt know what, which he finds unsettling.

The lines are quite conversational, which seems fitting, but I wonder if theres more you can make of the poems form  for example, writing the first two stanzas, which contrast the types of coffee, in contrasting ways. You might consider reducing the poem to just three stanzas as well; the last three stanzas seem to belong together.

----------


## Haunted

*BV*, I see your point about contrasting first 2 stanzas, kind of like pairing, or opposite pairing. I kept changing the last line in S1, I'll change it back to "artist", which would probably make more sense to you and it contrasts better with "pretender". You are right about that. Good call.

Otherwise I am comfortable with the loose form because the feeling between S1 and S2 is so different. S1 is meditative, but when it gets to S2, the tone is more annoyed, almost like venting. Ironically I make instant coffee all the time. But that's beside the point, it's about being served instant coffee when it should have been "real" coffee!!!

The last 3 short stanzas certainly can be combined, but I separated them out for pacing and emphasis. I'd like to slow it down to mimic conversation. Talk... think... look down at cup... look up... talk, etc. 

I really appreciated your comment, very helpful. Thanks!

----------


## AuntShecky

Sometimes we can glean good poems from ordinary, everyday things -- looking at the familiar with new eyes. The Imagists wouls approve the first half of your poem. Yours fooly admires how it "connects" w. the second half.

----------


## Haunted

*Auntie*, thanks for your kind words. Your hermit crab comes to mind.... but even better!

----------


## AuntShecky

I saw your name at the end of the thread and thought you'd posted a new one. Looking forward to when that time arrives.

Your fan,
Auntie

----------


## Jerrybaldy

A well roasted and very smart coffee analogy. I particularly liked your use of calligraphy in describing the coffee and the bittersweet closing stanzas x

----------


## Haunted

Dear *Auntie*, so sweet. That's one F word I wouldn't mind hearing over and over, LOL. <3

*Jerry*, I'll add some whiskey to the "good" coffee, just for you. Clang x

----------


## Haunted

*tsunami*


never know 
when it's going to hit

when it does 
there's no stopping
the swell
that rises from 
the center of the earth

choking me

my chest convulses
my face squeezes tight

behind a wall of 
black mascara tears
all I see is you

you wouldn't know
the damage done
but it really ruins my makeup

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunt. Yup that's a strong poem, but you could lose the 'it' from S2 L2 and did you really mean massacre or should that be mascara? Mascara would be better  :Wink:  

"Goes into convulsion" is a long winded way to say what you mean, "my chest convulses" would be tighter. I like the concept of the last verse I'm not keen on wouldn't. Perhaps don't would be stronger. Just a thought, but there is some good strong imagery here. Love the likening of the tsunami to the emotional swell and tears. Poignant with humour. Your strengths in poetic expression.

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk* you are Godsent. Just the help I needed! First off, I wasn't even sure if anyone gets it. And what was I thinking, after I typed massacre I thought it looked a little funny...lol. Agree with "convulses". I convulsed to see how long winded it was! Thanks so much!

----------


## AuntShecky

I like the wit in this-- but are we women still expected to mess with mascara?

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Thank you Haunted. In this sea of s hit ( there is an elephant in this room) it's a joy to find you bathing in your tsunami in your 1948 swimsuit. Thank f uck for you and a few others. Wiping your mascara and topping you up. X

----------


## Delta40

I love how you personalize the inner tsunami. Great crash onto the shore with the closing line

----------


## DieterM

Well, no, you never know when it's going to hit, do you, huh? Strong evocation of a strong emotion I've never quite understood. And always relished. What a sweet damage even to those of us who don't apply mascara, and how aptly described, dear Haunt. Your poem deserves to be bumped up. Done :-)

----------


## Haunted

> I like the wit in this-- but are we women still expected to mess with mascara?


Only when they are writing poems ;=) Thanks *Auntie* for reading and liking. Makes it all worthwhile! I mean writing it, not putting on the mascara.

*Jerry*, I know that elephant. I'd say the same about you. 1948 swimsuit? You are a riot! x

*Delta*, thanks. I put all I've got in the last line!

Dear *Dieter*, good to know that the other half of the non-mascara population can appreciate it. And thanks for the bump!

----------


## Haunted

*stress management
*

I regret
I never took up smoking
or else I'll have something 
to bite down on
butt and all

maybe I'd get dressed 
(or strip)
and crash 
a socialite pharm party

or stay put 
druggy eyes swirling with 
the hypnotic wine legs 
until I can't stand it anymore
and just grab the neck 
of that bottle

----------


## AuntShecky

Yeah, you're so right. Sometimes stress gets to be so much, we seek out questionable forms of "self-medication." (Hah! And they say we don't need Obamacare!)

And you know what, Haunted? If we modeled our lives on that of celebrities, as shown by on Page Six of the paper or reality shows, we might begin to believe that the seamy underside of life --drugs, sex,overdrinking--is the norm and the reality-based, less "glamorous" life style is the anomaly. 

I like the wit of this piece.

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Don't like to disagree with auntie but I see more desperation than wit here. It's always good to read you haunted. Post more bloody often.

----------


## AuntShecky

> I see more desperation than wit here.


Yeah, but sometimes the best humor comes from desperation. Hence, the great comedians stemming from various ethnic heritages with a history of oppression and suffering--he Jewish people, Black people, the Irish, not to perpetuate any stereotypes, mind you.

Then again there's the cliché about the clown who's laughin' on the outside and cryin' on the inside. He yucks it up--until he sees how little he's being paid (less his agent's commission.)

----------


## Haunted

*Auntie*, really enjoyed reading your comment. I think a lot more people will sign up for Obamacare if it offered THIS stress management. Then again their website wouldn't be able to handle it. Sigh. About the celebs and their high life… now rehab is the in thing. It's almost "good" to have a problem…. another irony, to continue your thoughts about the best humor comes from desperation. 

*Jerry*, I'm a bit dyslexic and for a moment I thought you wrote pour more bloody mary lol. Either that or the usual. BTW desperation is my middle name  :Wink:

----------


## Hawkman

Hey, Haunt. Where did this come from? I missed it! Sorry about that.

First off, I like it  :Smile:  but you've mixed your tenses a bit. S1 L3: "or else I'll" would be better as "I'd have something..." Not sure about S2 L2: the dressed/undress jars a bit - but possibly you could just say "(or strip)"

Still wondering about the hypnotic wine legs... Never seen any, so I'm a bit baffled by them.  :Biggrin: 

Nice to see you're still alive though  :Smile: 

Live and be well - H

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, I hope you'll pardon my tardiness. Barely alive. I lost my kitchen and couldn't think straight… Long story. 

I'll fix the tenses. I always got them wrong, thanks for the help and please keep correcting. Dress undress does sound boring. I like strip so strip it will be. 

Wine legs are the streaks on the glass when the wine is swirled. I didnt' know the term myself until I wrote this. Actually found out via research. Imagine that, I actually research for these dumb simplistic poems, LOL.

----------


## Haunted

*
late winter
*

the cold is numbing
except my hands 
warm under my sweater
sweeping up and around
where yours have been

never know
if it'll snow again

still I want 
one last blizzard

blinding
intensifying
hyperventilating
no questions asked

down we go
limbs fanning
two fallen snow angels
doing what we do best on our backs
the world be damned

so would there be
more snow

or is this
the end

----------


## Hawkman

Hi Haunt. Really like this - longing and passion in a neat package. It as a couple of small issues though. The last line of S1 lacks the elegance of the rest of the poem. Perhaps "where yours have been" would be better here. My only other niggle is in S6 where you say "so would there be" to fit with the rest of the piece the would really needs to be a will, and I'm not sure about "another". I think more would fit better here. Using would confuses tenses. The rest of the poem is in present tense but would makes it sound like a comment on the past, i.e. You could say "I wondered if there would be more snow" but "so will there be more snow" is a smoother transition from the present to the future.

Apart from my nit picking I love the immediacy of the piece. Very expressive. Good work.

Live and be well - H

----------


## DieterM

haunted, very impressive. I fell in love with the image of snow angels…

----------


## Jerrybaldy

Wherefore art thou?

----------


## Jerrybaldy

You posted!!! So good to read you again. Welcome back. Love the metaphor of longing for the blizzard. The closing line of S1 .. should it be too rather than to or is it s question? You have an individual style Haunted. Post more often. Clink.

----------


## Haunted

*Hawk*, thanks for taking the time to help with a few bad usages, as always!! I knew it but didnt spend the time to think it through, counting on Hawk to help out  :Smile: . I got the corrections, except for "would". It started out talking about weather and future snow, hence, "will" as future tense. But the piece transitioned to a wish dependent on an unpredictable weather event, that's when I wrote "would" instead. I knew the grammar police will frown, but just wanted to convey that thought with conditional. Really pleased the piece still works for you, despite these little spots. 

*Dieter*, so glad you actually pointed out the snow angels. As soon as I posted I was wondering perhaps I didn't need that stanza, but left it in to see if anyone says something. Definitely not touching it now. Thanks!

*Jerry*, it's always a '48 party when you post here! That line was just poorly written. I'm starting to think grammatically challenged is my style lol. Clink.

----------


## AuntShecky

Haunted, your postings are few and far between. But as Spencer Tracy once remarked to Kate Hepburn about her slim figure: "There's not much there, but what's there is 'cherce.' " (Choice.)

As to "Late Winter," it reminds me of that fabulous song, "Baby, It's Cold Outside." I just did an online search and found it was written by the great Frank Loesser! I should have known. 

Anyway, what that song and your latest poem do is pose cold weather, a winter storm, as a convenient excuse for a little romance. I always thought a soft snowfall was beautiful, but this year? Enough is enough. Be that as it may, I think your narrator wants one last snowstorm so she can have another session with her lover, right?

A witty -- and warm(!) -- little wistful piece.

Shoot some more of your bon mots our way.

Auntie

----------


## qimissung

> *
> late winter
> *
> 
> the cold is numbing
> except my hands 
> warm under my sweater
> sweeping up and around
> where yours have been
> ...


Fantastic! Love the bit about the snow angels.

----------


## Haunted

That's a very nice quote there *Auntie*, thank you! "Cherce" sounds exotic with an element of glam (must be the Hepburn association). Have to remember that, it'll make a good username somewhere. I didn't know that song but looked it up, enjoyed its music and construct. To your question, RIGHT! I don't write nature poems all that well anyways, so always some allusions. Ahh, talking about snow, I woke up to a white dusting a few days ago; temps got seasonal for 2 days and now it's freezing again. When is it going to end? 

*Qim*, so pleased you love the snow angels! I'll send a few down to you for next winter (I think now we are ready for some spring action)

----------


## AuntShecky

> That's a very nice quote there *Auntie*, thank you! "Cherce" sounds exotic with an element of glam (must be the Hepburn association). Have to remember that, it'll make a good username somewhere. [


I think Spencer Tracy was attempting to be humorous with a Brooklyn accent: "cherce" for "choice." Either way, it describes your "stuff."

More, please!

----------


## Haunted

I got the "choice" reference, but totally missed the Brooklyn accent! The worst!!! lol




> More, please!


After 4/15 Bet you know why.

----------


## Haunted

*contract negotiations*


if I lower the corner
of your business card
into the little tealight
will the pulp 
flare in indignation

or will it singe and subside
like this slow dancing
through obscure overwrought jargon 
and your nervous uncontrollable tics

would my hair catch fire
if I leant over to kiss you

would the terms of agreement
be nude and void

----------


## DieterM

would it be better if you used "leant over" in s3? I didn't mind the present tense when giving your poem a first read, but during the thrid reading, I stumbled over it… and am still not sure. "leant" WOULD sound grammatically better, I guess. Other than that, you had me there. I dunno how you did it because you didn't describe neither a location nor physical characterictics nor anything, it's all very subdued & minimalist (haunted-ish, I'd say), but I heard music, saw you two dancing ever so slowly… and the song "Private Dancer" came to mind (as well as—go figure why, even I don't understand—the B.E. Ellis-novel "American Psycho").

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## Hawkman

Hi Haunt. S2 is stalling the flow a bit. The last two lines of this stanza aren't working for me. They don't flow from what comes before. The 'but' is the biggest problem. However, these lines feel superfluous to me, a digression... Going nowhere. Consequently they sap some of the energy from the poem. I'd also be inclined to put the line break before beyond...

"beyond disclaimers
and obscure jargon"

The words flow better like this. Apart from that. Cracking little piece!

Live and be well - H

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## Haunted

hi *Dieter*, I'm never getting the conditional tenses right, sigh. Thanks for the correction. I'm afraid you gave me more credit than I deserved. I wish I could claim your lovely interpretation of the dance and music, you are a true romantic! But it is about something much more mundane. I used the urban meaning of "slow dancing" to convey a business negotiation not advancing, and the inevitable tension I tweaked it to make it a little more clear. Thanks!

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## qimissung

Hi Haunted. I might remove the "but" and then make the last two stanza one (maybe). And maybe add an "or" as in "or would my hair catch fire..."

I really like it. But after reading your response to Dieter I'm not sure what it's about. I thought it was about two people who cannot decide whether to move forward in a relationship in some way-maybe it's just a date and he can't decide whether to kiss the girl or not? Whichever, it's a nicely moody little piece.

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## DieterM

haunted, well, I stand corrected, too, as to what you wanted to express :-) anyway, in my humble opinion, you shouldn't have tweaked anything at all; what I like in a poem is that I can read it twice, thrice, a thousand times, and discover something new each time (new music, new meanings, etc.). so don't make things clear, gal, for God's sake! And do not tweak! I for one am a fan of yours whenever you choose to appear "untweaked" :-) (not that the tweaked version is not good, but now that's the haunted-fan talking, and we won't have any more flattering, now, will we?)

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## YesNo

I liked the last two lines about the terms of agreement.

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## Haunted

*Hawk*, you called it, I was having mega problems with that stanza. Felt the same way about going nowhere, it's redundant after slow dancing, basically saying the same thing twice. Tightened the whole stanza. Hope that improved it Thanks for the comment :=)

*Qim*, I'm glad you liked it, despite its many flaws. It's really just a trashy piece about two strangers in a business relationship that turns personal during the course of a dinner meeting. Trying to capture the strange dynamics in contentious negotiations and the kind of tension that arises. And yes, tried to create a mood too. At least that one worked, phew! I took out "but", actually changed the stanza quite a bit. The hair stanza is supposed to come out of nowhere, so just going to make it stand without a connector. Your input is solid, many thanks, AND it's really great to see you around more now!

*Dieter*, I most certainly listen to everything you have to say! In many cases my subjects are quite specific, so if people reading it are confused, then I must rewrite. I think it's better now, based on your comment and others', I knew what to tweak. Ohhhh did you say fan? Wowy! Must say it's mutual, I'm quite a fan of yours as well and it pleases me when I see a new D posting so keep them coming!

Dear *Y/N*, so nice that you graced this thread, your comment is much appreciated!

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## Jerrybaldy

Sublime Haunted. You don't post much these days but when you do its always worth the wait. You have developed a theme of relationships and usually their dark side and you play them out in metaphor and romance, here through burning business cards and a contrast of self hatred and the hatred of the would be suitor along side the burning of romance itself whilst also being hopelessly romantic in its telling. Love it.

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## Haunted

*JB,* so kind! I made more changes since your commented. Hope it still works for you. Clink x

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## Haunted

*stranded*


even when I haven't 
gotten out of the chair
since we last spoke
and life has 
abruptly stopped

my hair continues to grow
eclipsing my face

behind the frozen mask
there is a budding thought 
of you bending down
and lifting a strand
out of the left eye

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## Hawkman

Flawless, Spooky. So good to read you again.

Live and be well - H

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## Jerrybaldy

I haven't learnt much. Who does? But I have learnt that Haunted posting something new is a litnet treat more than it deserves. You put so much into so few words. I love your writing .

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## DieterM

didn't see yesterday that my dear haunted has "haunted" this place again! And I second Jerrybaldy: shouldn't have missed your entry yesterday; am glad I came back to discover this little gem. hope all's well with you, h. :-)

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## Jerrybaldy

Bump. A big bump. Not one of those little bumps. Oh no. A big one. On merit

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## Haunted

Hawk, Jerry and Dieter, so glad to come back and be greeted with such lovely comments. Makes me want to hang around again!

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## AuntShecky

Didn't know you were back! I like the concluding couplet in #740.
Don't be a stranger.

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## Bar22do

Always love your writing, your last one is a gift, Haunted. Thank you. Hope to read more of you soon... Best from Bar

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## DieterM

Uhm, just for the record, there's a whole book of Haunted Poetry you can find on amazon. Don't know this forum's policy re. ads for fellow writers' books, so suffice it to say that you only have to look for a certain Calyna Haunt: "unrequited". Yep, that's our LitNet h! Her book's a gem, like all of the poems in this thread. Just wanted to let you know…

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## Jerrybaldy

Will buy it. Thanks Dieter

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## Haunted

Auntie, YES glad you are too, NO I won't be... at least I'll try not to be. Really thrilled you found something good in there, thanks!

Bar, what a treat! Missed you and hope to see more of you here. Warm thoughts going your way. 

tra la la D & Jer you guys just made my day! xoxoxoxoxo

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## Haunted

*high rise
*

I know it
you are stuck again
in an elevator
going sideways

until you unstuck
Ill stretch out
on the ledge
the way you stretch
the truth

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## Hawkman

Sorry Haunted, I missed this when you posted it. As always, a succinct and and minimalist piece, expressing much in few words. You might want to address S2 L1 though, as there seems to be a typo: "you're" rather than "you," perhaps.

Always good to see an offering from you.

Live and be well - H

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## DieterM

Yes, I second Hackman, good piece again! I didn't see where H. had noticed the mistakeI took "stuck" for a past participle at first and found it perfectly normal to create the verb "unstuck". Then, after some mulling (2 seconds at least), I realized the present tense would have to be "stick", which I found odd, too. And after looking up this word that I thought I knew perfectly well, I found out "stuck" (as used in "to get/to be stuck") was an adjective. So of course, in straight grammar terms, "unstuck" as a verb is not possible. Yet, as everybody knows, "straight" is not what characterizes me best (lol), so I have to confess I rather like the oddness of "unstuck". Or should you use "unstick"?
This is the best occasion, too, to thank you, Haunted, for having commented on my latest poem (the title of which i've even forgotten, but you do remember the "whatever day", I guess). Didn't find the time to answer and say thanks.
And at the same time, I'd like to wish you and Hawkman and Auntie and all my other LitNet-friends and -acquaintances wonderful holidays, a merry Xmas to those who are concerned (wouldn't want to anger my non-Christian friends) and a happy, happy New Year!

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## Haunted

*the man in the red suit
*

the mall closes
and I catch up with Santa
wish for a small gift
a little happiness

he says its elusive
for people like us
the boxes always arrive
torn or crushed 

he says he is Greg
we dance to silent night
eggnog on his fake beard
gets in my hair

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## Hawkman

Haunted! It's been more than a year... But here you make a triumphant return with this little seasonal gem. Your expression is as crisp as ever. Good to see you posting. Don't be a stranger  :Smile:

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## YesNo

Nice poem about Santa. The receivable gifts are those able to be given.

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## Haunted

*Hawk*, couldn't believe it's been that long. So good you're here with your usual insightful comments. 

*Y/N*, thanks for the comment, and so well put. Did make me think deeper into the idea of giving.

Really appreciated both your comments.

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## qimissung

That is a little gem, Haunted, short, crisp, with a slightly skewed point of view-pure Haunted!

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## DieterM

Oh yes, jeez, time's a-fleetin'… but glad I took a glimpse online only to stumble upon your gem. I second all the other opinions: pure Haunted, Haunted-style :-) xo

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## Haunted

*Qim*, thanks for the kind words, just what I needed to get started on the next one. Have a happy new year and come back soon. 

*Dieter*, thanks and please take more glimpses in the new year, cheers! xoxo

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## Haunted

re: high rise, I fell off the tracks; belated thanks.

*Hawk*, good catch. Counting on a comment and help from you always. 

*Dieter*, hmmmm lets see unstuck is like undead, a made up word but feels right. I wouldnt mind you getting stuck in here and offer comments : )

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## Haunted

*a beach in Maui*

black sand happens 
when ejected lava 
melts like dirty hot syrup
hardens on its way down
then plunges into water

it sticks everywhere
we trace on glossy dark sweat
make full body tattoos on a whim
shower off when we want
no lifelong commitment

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## Hawkman

Hi Haunt. The second stanza is much stronger than the first. The description of the advent of black sand is actually irrelevant to the meat of the piece and it does not read well. I'd discard all but the first two words of it, which I'd use to open the second stanza. You'd then have a crisp coherent whole which conveys it's pithy sentiment of observational comment coupled with that touch of bitterness and regret.

A much purer distillation of Haunted verse!

Live and be well - H

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## Haunted

*Hawk*, love your version! I am currently reading spacetime and quantum mechanics, my mind is on matter, that was how the first part came about. Some commitment issues but mostly carefree. Thanks for the critique as always, invaluable!




*a beach in Maui*

black sand sticks everywhere
we trace on glossy dark sweat
make full body tattoos on a whim
shower off when we want
no lifelong commitment

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## Jerrybaldy

Haunted you are becoming Prince like in your brevity. Your posts are always a must read. That's a,lot said in five short lines. Screwdriver *

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## Haunted

*Jerry* so glad you are here *clang*

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## prendrelemick

> *the man in the red suit
> *
> 
> the mall closes
> and I catch up with Santa
> wish for a small gift
> a little happiness
> 
> he says its elusive
> ...


Just found this. It's really good, compact but wide, full of hints and nuances. I want more - but that would spoil it.

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## Haunted

*prendrelemick* I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for commenting!

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## AuntShecky

Good to see you posting on the NitLet agan, Haunted

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## Haunted

Hi *Auntie* long time no see. Enjoyed your new iteration of NitLet. See you around!

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## Haunted

*remembering Kilauea*

you open up
like a mountain would
you want me to let you in
the way you have
I’m on the verge
the earth’s paunch churn
the lava lake swells 
water closer closer closer
_can’t
I’m afraid_

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## Hawkman

Hi Haunted,

I seem to have missed this. Must've been posted during my apostasy. 

I can't help thinking that there's a typo in l6. Shouldn't that be "churns?" It doesn't quite make sense the way it is.

Apart from that, the poem is evocative. It puts you in the moment, that seductive few seconds of fear and wonder, the 'imp of the perverse' that tempts the will to oblivion. But at the same time, there are the polar opposites of fire and water, the lava lake conjurs the image of seething liquid red hot rock, but where does the water come from? It draws nearer. Is the narrator running from the fire, the consuming red heat of the mountain, closer to the sea which threatens to consume her if she jumps? Is the fiery mountain the red devil and the water, the deep blue sea? The narrator is trapped, and robbed of volition.

Interesting. You have earth, fire and water, all of which smother, suffocate. There is no air... 

The narrator is robbed of the freedom to breathe.

Nice one, Spooky.

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## Jerrybaldy

Come on home Haunted x

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## Jerrybaldy

This place needs you x

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