# Writing > Short Story Sharing >  Thank You (a short story awaiting your comments)

## Nikhar

_Note:- I have purposefully kept the language of the story very simple hoping that the correct emotions are brought out._  

I am sincerely awaiting your comments!  :Smile: 

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Thank You!

In one of those sunny days, when each soul is eager to roam outside, I was given the mundane task of fetching some household items, which I surprisingly, accepted with buoyance.

Humming a mellifluous tune to myself, I commenced towards my first destination  The Bakery. After selecting the buns, the breads and the cakes, I thanked the baker, gave him money and thanked again. Still humming, I proceeded towards my next stop. The process of selecting, purchasing and thanking at various shops continued for a little while.

On my way back, enjoying the lovely tickle of the tranquilly flowing breeze, lost in some other thought process, I suddenly collided with a man, a smartly dressed man, as I had noticed later. My bag of purchases fell down spilling its contents all over the road. The man, with complete grace, helped me recollect the contents. All the while he was doing this, I was thanking him. Then he handed me the bag and turned. I called him and said once again, Thank you sir! Have a nice day!

After this small little incident, I proceeded my way back. Not learning from my mistake, still humming and still lost in another world, I strolled. An abrupt change brought me back to my senses. I stepped over a peel and slipped, falling backwards, waiting for an injury. But to my relief, two hands supported me from back and helped me stand still. I turned and opened my mouth, Than-.

On turning, I saw a terrible poor and dirty man, smiling at me. His bedraggled clothes, the untidy hair, the dirty hands (the same that had supported me just a little back) and the bad breath all showed his poverty. My heart was willing to say something, but eventually, my brain overpowered the will. With a feeling of helplessness, I quickly turned back on my way home, with my mouth still open and an uncompleted phrase on my lips, but a genuine lesson in my heart.

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## LostPrincess13

I LOVED IT! :Biggrin:  Well, at first I thought the writing was a bit pompous because of the use (or overuse rather) of highfalutin words, but then I thought the writer may have done this on purpose to convey a rather sophisticated character. The story, itself, however, had a powerful impact on me, for I had a strong and vivid glimpse of society and its many ugly problems. (It gave me goosebumps :Biggrin: ) The ending was very well-written; the last line was memorable. Bravo! :Biggrin:

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## Nikhar

Thank You for your comments! :Smile: 

I would really appreciate if other members would comment too! :Smile:

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## JacobF

I didn't see much emotion in this piece. You are trying too hard to set a pleasant scene, and it ends up sounding like something a kindergarten teacher would read to her kids at the end of the day. In addition, what lesson did you learn? That rich people and poor people alike will help you when you fall? I don't see the moral lesson there. Plus, in my opinion, the worst way to end a story is to tell the reader that the main character learned a lesson. We should be able to obtain from their actions, without the narrator telling us, that they learned some sort of moral lesson. 

Sorry, I just thought it was cheesy and flat.

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## Jocafer

hmm, its a pretty nice piece. it talks about the irony in our society today.

"why did the person thank the rich guy but not the poor man?"

a good example on how we treat different classes of people.

the story does not really aim to teach moral lessons but it aims to talk about the sad truths of reality to the reader, though JacobF is right about one thing and that is the emotions. i guess it lacks more descriptions IMO.
hehe, nice work and keep writing!  :Biggrin:

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## Nighteyes5678

This story needs editing. There are extra words that could be cut to create a more clean read (...to create a cleaner read). 

I have to agree with the second commenter. The "moral" should be inferred and I think this piece is a little heavy handed. Try and build in some subtlety.

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## AuntShecky

This is more like a homily or an essay than a short story.

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## jekan blazer

great story!!! it is very descriptive, and it shows you have a good vocabulary (Humming a mellifluous tune to myself).
have you thought about publishing your story/stories?

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## Nikhar

Firstly, thanks to everyone for commenting on it.

Well, the intention of the story was not to give some kind of moral. Infact, it was a short story based on some thoughts.

@Jekan

I would love to publish the stories......but it's not so easy to get publishers.

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